=r\ GIFT or Yoshi S. Kuno THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, BY CHARLES DICKENS WITH ILLUSTRA TIONS. NEW YORK JOHN W. LOVELL COMPANY 150 Worth Street, corner Mission Place f/ ' U .\ ^ -I -u / / / i/....\ • •' » ■ PREFACE. What is exaggeration to one class of minds and percep- tions, is plain truth to another. That which is commonly called a long-sight, perceives in a prospect innumerable features and bearings non-existent to a short-sighted person. I sometimes ask myself whether there may occasionally be a difference of this kind between some writers and some readers ; whether it is always the writer who colors highly, or whether it is now and then the reader whose eye for color is a little dull ? On this head of exaggeration I have a positive experience more curious than the speculation I have just set down. It is this : — I have never touched a character precisely from the life, but some counterpart of that character has incredulously asked me : " Now really, did I ever really, see one like it ? " All the Pecksniff family upon earth are quite agreed, I believe, that Mr. Pecksniff is an exaggeration, and that no such character ever existed. I will not offer any plea on his behalf to so powerful and genteel a body, but will make a remark on the character of Jonas Chuzzlewit. I conceive that the sordid coarseness and brutality of Jonas would be unnatural, if there had been nothing in his early education, and in the precept and example always before him, to engender and develop the vices that make him odious. But, so born and so bred — admired for that which made him hateful, and justified from his cradle in cunning, treachery, and avarice; I claim him as the legitimate issue of the father upon whom those vices are seen to recoil. And I submit that their recoil upon that old man, in his un- honored age, is not a mere piece of poetical justice, but is the extreme exposition of a direct truth. I make this comment and solicit the reader's attention to it in his or her consideration of this tale, because nothing is more common in real life than a want of profitable reflec- tion on the causes of many vices and crimes that awaken general horror. What is substantially true of families in this respect, is true of a whole commonwealth. As we sow, we iw 194476 iv PREFACE. reap. Let the reader go into the children's side of any prison in England, or, I grieve to add, of many work houses, and judge whether those are monsters who disgrace our streets, people our hulks and penitentiaries, and overcrowd our penal colonies, or are creatures whom we have deliber- ately suffered to be bred for misery and ruin. The American portion of this story is in no other respect a caricature, than as it is an exhibition, for the most part (Mr. Bevan excepted), of a ludicrous side, onl}\ of the Ameri- can character — of that side which was, four-and-twenty years ago, from its nature, the most obtrusive, and the most likely to be seen by such travelers as young Martin and Mark Tapley. As I had never, in writing fiction, had any disposi- tion to soften what is ridiculous or wrong at home, so I then hoped that the good-humored people of the United States would not be generally disposed to quarrel with me for carry- ing the same usage abroad. I am happy to believe that my confidence in that great nation was not misplaced. When this book was first published, I was given to under- stand, by some authorities, that the Watertoast Association and eloquence were beyond all bounds of belief. Therefore I record the fact that all that portion of Martin Chuzzlewit's experiences is a literal paraphrase of some reports of public proceedings in the United States (especially of the proceed- ings of a certain Brandywine Association), which were printed in the Times newspaper in June and July, 1843, at about the time when I was engaged in writing those parts of the book ; and which remain on the file of the Times newspaper, of course. In all my writings, I hope I have taken every available op- portunity of showing the want of sanitary improvements in the neglected dwellings of the poor. Mrs. Sarah Gamp was, four-and-twenty years ago, a fair representation of the hired attendant on the poor in sickness. The hospitals of London were, in many respects, noble institutions ; in others, very defective. I think it not the least among the instances of their mismanagement, that Mrs. Betsy Prig was a fair speci- men of a hospital nurse ; and that the hospitals, with their means and funds, should have left it to jjrivatc humanity and enterprise to enter on an attempt to improve that class of persons — since greatly improved through the agency of good women. CONTENTS. PAGE. CHAPTER I. Introductory, concerning the f>edigTee of the Chuzelewit family, ............ 9 CHAPTER n. Wherein certain persons are presented to the reader, with whom he may, if he pleases, become better acquainted, . . 15 CHAPTER HI. In which certahi other persons are introduced ; on the same terms as in the last chapter, ^ CHAPTER IV. From which it will appear that if union be strength, and family affection be pleasant to contemplate, the Chuzzlewits were the strongest and most agreeable family in the world, . . .51 CHAPTER V. Containing a full account of the installation of Mr. Pecksniff's new pupil into the bosom of Mr. Pecksniffs family, v.-ith all the festivities held on that occasion, and the great enjoyment of Mr. Pinch, 71 CHAPTER VI. Comprises, among other important matters, Peck- sniffian and architectural, an exact relation of the progress made by Mr. Pinch in the confidence and friendship of the new pupil, . . 93 CHAPTER VII. In which Mr. Chevy Slyme asserts the independence of his spirit, and the Blue Dragon loses a limb, .... 108 CHAPTER VIII. Accompanies Mr. Pecksniff and his charming daugh- ters to the city of London ; and relates what fell out, upon their way thither, 124 CHAPTER IX. Town and Todgers's 135 CHAPTER X. Containing strange matter ; on which many evenly in this historv- may, for their good or evil influence, chiefly depend, , 162 CHAPTER XI. Wherein a certain gentleman becomes particular in his attentions to a certain lady ; and more coming events than one, cast their shadows before, 177 CHAPTER XII. Will be seen in the long run, if not in the short ^one, to concern Mr. Pinch and others, nearly. Mr. Pecksniff asserts the dignity of outraged virtue. Young Martin Chuzzlewit forms a des- perate resolution, 199 VI CONTENTS. PAGE. CHAPTER XIII. Showing what became of Martin and his desperate resolve after he left Mr. Pecksniff's house; what persons he encount- ered ; what anxieties he suffered ; and what news he heard, . . 219 CHAPTER XIV. In which Martin bids adieu to the lady of his love ; and honors an obscure individual whose fortune he intends to make, by commending her to his protection, 241 CHAPTER XV. The burden whereof is, Hail, Columbia ! . . .252 CHAPTER XVI. Martin disembarks from that noble and fast-sailing- line-of-packet ship, the Screw, at the port of New York, in the United States of America. He makes some acquaintances, and dines at a boarding-house. The particulars of those transactions, . 261 CHAPTER XVII. Martin enlarges his circle of acquaintance ; increases his stock of wisdom ; and has an excellent opportunity of comparing his own experiences with those of Lummy Ned of the Light Salis- bury, as related by his friend, Mr. William Simmons, . . . 283 CHAPTER XVIII. Does business with the house of Anthony Chuzzle- wit and Son, from which one of the partners retires unexpectedly, . 303 CHAPTER XIX. The reader is brought into communication with some professional persons, and sheds a tear over the filial piety of good Mr. Jonas, 314 CHAPTER XX. Is a chapter of love, 330 CHAPTER XXI. More American experiences. Martin takes a partner, and makes a purchase. Some account of Eden, as it appeared on paper. Also of the British Lion. Also of the kind of sympathy professed and entertained by the Watertoast Association of United Sympathizers, 345 CHAPTER XXII. From which it will be seen that Martin became a lion on his own account. Together with the reason why, . . 366 CHAPTER XXIII. Martin and his partner take possession of their estate. The joyful occasion involves some further account of Eden, 377 CHAPTER XXIV. Reports progress in certain homely matters of love, hatred, jealousy, and revenge, . . . . * . . . . 387 CHAPTER XXV. Is in part professional; and furnishes the reader with some valuable hints in relation to the management of a sick . chamber, 403 CHAPTER XXVI. An unexpected meeting, and a promising prospect, 420 CHAPTER XXVII. Showing that old friends may not only appear with new faces, but in false colors. That people are prone to bite ; and that bijers may sometimes be bitten, 428 CHAPTER XXVIII. Mr. Montague at home. And Mr. Jonas Chuz- zlewit at home, 4C0 CONTENTS. vn PAGE. CHAPTER XXIX. In which some people are precocious, others profes- sional, and others mysterious ; all in their several ways, . . . 461 CHAPTER XXX. Proves that changes may be rung in the best-regu- lated families, and that Mr. Pecksniff was a special hand at a triple- bob-major, . 471 CHAPTER XXXI. Mr. Pinch is discharged of duty which he never owed to any body ; and Mr. Pecksniff discharges a duty which he owes to society, 488 CHAPTER XXXII. Treats of Todgers's again , and of another blight- ed plant besides the plants upon the leads, 506 CHAPTER XXXIII. Further proceedings in Eden, and a proceeding out of it. Martin makes a discovery of some importance, . .513 CHAPTER XXXIV. In which the travelers move homeward, and encounter some distinguished characters upon the way, . . . 430 CHAPTER XXXV. Arriving in England, Martin witnesses a cere- mony, from which he derives the cheering information that he has not been forgotten in his absence, 547 CHAPTER XXXVI. Tom Pinch departs to seek his fortune. What he finds at starting, 554 CHAPTER XXXVII. Tom Pinch, going astray, finds that he is not the only person in that predicament. He retaliates upon a fallen foe, 576 CHAPTER XXXVIII. Secret service, 586 CHAPTER XXXIX. Containing some further particulars of the domestic economy of the Pinches ; with strange news from the city, narrowly concerning Tom, ........ 596 CHAPTER XL. The Pinches make a new acquaintance, and have fresh occasion for surprise and wonder, ...... 614 CHAPTER XLI. Mr. Jonas and his friend arriving at a pleasant under- standing, set forth upon an enterprise, 629 CHAPTER XLII. Continuation of the enterprise of Mr. Jonas and his friend, 639 CHAPTER XLIIl. Has an influence on the fortunes of several people. Mr. Pecksniff is exhibited in the plenitude of power, and wields the same with fortitude and magnanimity. ...... 649 CHAPTER XLIV. Further continuation of the enterprise of Mr. Jonas and his friend, 671 CHAPTER XLV. In which Tom Pinch and his sister take a little pleasure ; but quite in a domestic way, and with no ceremony about it, 680 CHAPTER XLVI. In which Miss Pecksniff makes love, Mr. Jonas makes wrath, Mrs. Gamp makes tea, and Mr. Chilffey makes busi- ness, ............. 690 viii CONTENTS. PAGE CHAPTER XLVII. Conclusion of the enterprise of Mr. Jonas and his friend, . 713 CHAPTER XLVni. Bears tidings of Martin, and of Mark, as well as of a third person not quite unknown to the reader. Exhibits filial piety in an ugly aspect ; and casts a doubtful ray of light upon a very dark place, 722 CHAPTER XLIX, In which Mrs, Harris, assisted by a tea-pot, is the cause of a division between friends, ....... 740 CHAPTER L. Surprises Tom Pinch very much, and shows how cer- tain confidences passed between him and his sister, .... 754 CHAPTER LI. Sheds new and- brighter light upon the very dark place ; and contains the sequel of the enterprise of Mr. Jonas and his friend, ............ 765 CHAPTER LII. In which the tables are turned completely upside down, ............ 787 CHAPTER LIII. What John Westlock said to Tom Pinch's sister ; what Tom Pinch's sister said to John Westlock ; what Tom Pinch said to both of them ; and how they all passed the remainder of the day, 807 CHAPTER LIV. Gives the author great concern. For it is the last in the book, 816 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTORY, CONCERNING THE PEDIGREE OF THE CHUZZLEWIT FAMILY. As no lady or gentleman, with any claims to polite breed- ing, can possibly sympathize with the Chuzzlewit Family without being first assured of the extreme antiquity of the race, it is a great satisfaction to know that it undoubtedly descended in a direct line from Adam and Eve ; and was, in the very earliest times, closely connected with the agricultural interest. If it should ever be urged by grudging and malicious persons, that a Chuz- zlewit, in any period of the family history, displayed an overweening amount of family pride, surely the weakness will be considered not only pardonable but laudable, when the immense superiority of the house to the rest of man- kind, in respect of this its ancient origin, is taken into account. It is remarkable that as there was, in the oldest family of which we have any record, a murderer and a vagabond, so we never fail to meet, in the records of all old families, with innumerable repetitions of the same phase of character. Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of vio- lence and vagabondism ; for in ancient days, those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the quality of this land. Consequently, it is a source of inexpressible comfort and happiness to find, that in various periods of our history, the Chuzzl^wits were actively connected with divers slaughterous conspiracies and bloody frays. It is further recorded of . 10 . . MAK'l IN CHUZZLEWIT. 'tVem, that being cla'd'Tfo'ni head to heel in steel of proof, they did on many occasions lead their leather-jerkined soldiers to the death, with invincible courage, and after- ward return home gracefully to their relations and friends. There can be no doubt that at least one Chuzzlewit came over with William the Conqueror. It does not appear that this illustrious ancestor " came over " that monarch, to employ the vulgar phrase, at any subsequent period ; inas- much as the family do not seem to have been ever greatly distinguished by the possession of landed estate. And it is well known that for the bestowal of that kind of property upon his favorites, the liberality and gratitude of the Nor- man were as remarkable, as those virtues are usually found to be in great men when they give away what belongs to other people. Perhaps in this place the history may pause to congratu- late itself upon the enormous amount of bravery, wisdom, eloquence, virtue, gentle birth, and true nobility, that appears to have come into England with the Norman invasion ; an amount which the genealogy of every ancient family lends its aid to swell, and which would beyond all question have been found to be just as great, and to the full as prolific in giving birth to long lines of chivalrous descend- ants, boastful of their origin, even though William the Conqueror had been William the Conquered, a change of circumstances which, it is quite certain, would have made no manner of difference in this respect. There was unquestionably a Chuzzlewit in the Gunpowder Plot, if indeed the arch-traitor, Fawkes himself, were not a scion of this remarkable stock, as he might easily have been, supposing another Chuzzlewit to have emigrated to Spain in the previous generation, and there intermarried with a Spanish lady, by whom he had issue, one olive-complex- ioned son. This probable conjecture is strengthened, if not absolutely confirmed, by a fact which can not fail to be interesting to those who are curious in tracing the progress of hereditary tastes through the lives of their unconscious inheritors. It is a notable circumstance that in these later times, many Chuzzlewits, being unsuccessful in other pur- suits, have, without the smallest rational hope of enriching themselves, or any conceivable reason, set up as coal-mer- chants ; and have, month after month, continued gloomily to watch a small stock of coals without in any one instance negotiating with a purchaser. The remarkable similarity MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. ii between this course of proceeding and that adopted by their great ancestor beneath the vauks of the parliament house at Westminster, is too obvious and too full of interest, to stand in need of comment. It is also clearly proved by the oral traditions of the family, that there existed, at some one period of its history which is not distinctly stated, a matron of such destructive principles, and so familiarized to the use and composition of inflammatory and combustible engines, that she was called " The Match Maker ; " by which nickname and by-word she is recognized in the family legends to this day. Surely ther,e can be no reasonable doubt that this was the Spanish lady, the mother of Chuzzlewit Fawkes. But there is one other piece of evidence, bearing immedi- ate reference to their close connection with this memorable event in English history, which must carry conviction, even to a mind (if such a mind there be) remaining unconvinced by these presumptive proofs. There was, within a few years, in the possession of a highly respectable and in every way credible and unim- peachable member of the Chuzzlewit family (for his bitterest enemy never dared to hint at his being otherwise than a wealthy man), a dark lantern of undoubted antiquity ; ren- dered still more interesting by being, in shape and pattern, extremely like such as are in use at the present day. Now this gentleman, since deceased, was at all times ready to make oath, and did again and again set forth upon his solemn asseveration, that he had frequently heard his grand- mother say, when contemplating this venerable relic, " Ay, ay ! This was carried by my fourth son on the fifth of November, when he was a Guy Fawkes." These remark- able words wrought (as well they might) a strong impres- sion on his mind, and he was in the habit of repeating them very often. The just interpretation which they bear, and the conclusion to which they lead, are triumphant and irre- sistible. The old lady, naturally strong-minded, was never- theless frail and fading ; she was notoriously subject to that confusion of ideas, or, to say the least, of speech, to which age and garrulity are liable. The slight, the very slight confusion, apparent in these expressions, is manifest and is ludicrously easy of correction. ''Ay, ay," quoth she, and it will be observed that no emendation whatever is necessarv to be made in these two initiative remarks, " Ay, ay ! This lantern was carried by my forefather "—not fourth son, \2 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. which is preposterous — " on the fifth of November. And he was Guy Fawkes." Here we have a remark at once con- sistent, clear, natural, and in strict accordance with the character of the speaker. Indeed the anecdote is so plainly susceptible of this meaning, and no other, that it would be hardly worth recording in its original state, were it not a proof of what may be (and very often is) affected not only in historical prose but in imaginative poetry, by the exercise of a little ingenious labor on the part of a commentator. It has been said that there is no instance in modern times, of a Chuzzlewit having been found on terms of intimacy with the great. But here again the sneering detractors who weave such miserable figments from their malicious brains, are stricken dumb by evidence. For letters are yet in the possession of various branches of the family, from which it distinctly appears, being stated in so many words, that one Diggory Chuzzlewit was in the habit of perpetually dining with Duke Humphrey. So constantly was he a guest at that nobleman's table, indeed, and so unceasingly were his grace's hospitality and companionship forced, as it were, upon him, that we find him uneasy, and full of con- straint and reluctance ; writing his friends to the effect that if they fail to do so and so by bearer, he will have no choice but to dine again with Duke Humphrey ; and expressing himself in a very marked and extraordinary manner as one surfeited of high life and gracious company. It has been rumored, and it is needless to say the rumor originated in the same base quarters, that a certain male Chuzzlewit, whose birth must be admitted to be involved in some obscurity, was of very mean and low descent. How stands the proof ? When the son of that individual, to whom the secret of his father's birth was supposed to have been communicated by his father in his lifetime, lay upon his deathbed, this question was put to him in a distinct, solemn and formal Avay : Toby Chuzzlewit, who was your grandfather ? To which he, with his last breath, no less distinctly, solemnly, and formally replied — and his words were taken down at the time, and signed by six witnesses each with his name and address in full — " The Lord No Zoo." It may be said — it has been said, for human wickedness has no limits — that there is no lord of that name, and that among the titles which have become extinct, none at all resembling this, in sound even, is to be discovered. But what is the irresistible inference ? Rejecting a theory broached by some MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 13 well-meaning but mistaken persons, that this Mr. Toby Chuz- zlewit's grandfather, to judge from his name, must surely have been a mandarin (which is wholly insupportable, for there is no pretense of his grandmother ever having been out of this country^ or of any mandarin having been in it within some years of his father's birth, except those in the tea-shops, which can not for a moment be regarded as having any bear- ing on the question, one way or other), rejecting this hypothe- sis, is it not manifest that Mr. Toby Chuzzlewit had either received the name imperfectly from his father, or that he had forgotten it, or that he had mispronounced it? and that even at the recent period in question, the Chuzzlewits were connected by a bend sinister, or kind of heraldic over-the- left, with some unknown noble and illustrious house ? From documentary evidence, yet preserved in the family, the fact is clearly established that in the comparatively modern days of the Diggory Chuzzlewit before mentioned, one of its members had attained to very great wealth and influence. Throughout such fragments of his correspond- ence as have escaped the ravages of the moths (who, in right of their extensive absorption of the contents of deeds and papers, may be called the general registers of the insect world), we find him making constant reference to an uncle, in respect of whom he would seem to have entertained great expectations, as he was in the habit of seeking to propitiate his favor by presents of plate, jewels, books, watches, ano other valuable articles. Thus, he writes on one occasioa to his brother in reference to a gravy-spoon, the brother's prop- erty, which he (Diggory) would appear to have borrowed 01 otherwise possessed himself of: '' Do not be angry, I have parted with it — to my uncle." On another occasion he expresses himself in a similar manner with regard to a child's lAug which had been entrusted to him to get repaired. On another occasion he says: '* I have bestowed upon that irresistible uncle of mine every thing I ever possessed." And that he was in the habit of paying long and constant visits to this gentleman at his mansion, if, indeed, he did not wholly reside there, is manifest from the following sentence: " With the exception of the suit of clothes I carry about with me, the whole of my wearing apparel is at present at my uncle's." This gentleman's patronage and influence must have been very extensive, for his nephew writes: "His interest is too high" — **it is too much" — "it is tremendous" — and the like. Still it does not appear (which is strange) to have 14 MARTIN CHUZZLEWiT. procured for him any lucrative post at court or elsewhere, or to have conferred upon him any other distinction than that which was necessarily included in the countenance of so great a man, and the being invited by him to certain entertainments, so splendid and costly in their nature that he calls them " golden balls." It is needless to multiply instances of the high and lofty station, and the vast importance of the Chuzzlewits, at dif- ferent periods. If it came within the scope of reasonable probability that further proofs were required, they might be heaped upon each other until they formed an Alps of tes- timony, beneath which the boldest skepticism should be crushed and beaten fiat. As a goodly tumulus is already collected, and decently battened up above the family grave, the present chapter is content to leave it as it is; merely adding, by way of a final spadeful, that many Chuzzlewits, both male and female, are proved to demonstration, on the faith of letters written by their own mothers, to have chis- eled noses, undeniable chins, forms that might have served the sculptor for a model, exquisitely-turned limbs, and pol- ished foreheads of so transparent a texture that the blue veins might be seen branching off in various directions, like so many roads on an ethereal map. This fact in itself, though it had been a solitary one, would have utterly set- tled and clenched the business in hand; for it is well known, on the authority of all the books which treat of such mat- ters, that every one of these phenomena, but especially that of the chiseling, are invariably peculiar to, and only make themselves apparent in, persons of the very best condition. This history, having, to its own perfect satisfaction (and, consequently, to the full contentment of all its readers), proved the Chuzzlewits to have had an origin, and to have been at one time or other of an importance which can not fail to render them highly improving and acceptable acquaint- ance to all right-minded individuals, may now proceed in earnest with its task. And having shown that they must have had, by reason of their ancient birth, a pretty large share in the foundation and increase of the human family, it will one day become its province to submit, that such of its members as shall be introduced in these pages, have still many counterparts and prototypes in the great world about us. At present it contents itself with remarking, in a general way, on this head : Firstly, that it may be safely asserted and yet without implying any direct MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 15 participation in the Monboddo doctrine touching the prob- ability of the human race having once been monkeys, that men do play very strange and extraordinary tricks. Sec- ondly, and yet without trenching on the Blumenbach theory as to the descendant of Adam having a vast number of quali- ties which belong more particularly to swine than to any other class of animals in the creation, that some men cer- tainly are remarkable for taking uncommon good care of themselves. CHAPTER II. WHEREIN CERTAIN PERSONS ARE PRESENTED TO THE READER, WITH WHOM HE MAY, IF HE PLEASES, BECOME BETTER ACQUAINTED. It was pretty late in the autumn of the year, when the declining sun, struggling through the mist which had obscured it all day, looked brightly down upon a little Wilt- shire village within an easy journey of the fair old town of Salisbury. Like a sudden flash of memory or spirit kindling up the mind of an old man, it shed a glory upon the scene, in which its departed youth and freshness seemed to live again. The wet grass sparkled in the light ; the scanty patches of ver- dure in the hedges — where a few green twigs yet stood together bravely, resisting to the last the tyranny of nipping winds and early frosts — took heart and brightened up ; the stream, which had been dull and sullen all day long, broke out into a cheerful smile ; the birds began to chirp and twitter on the naked boughs, as though the hopeful creat- ures half believed that winter had gone by, and spring had come already. The vane upon the tapering spire of the old church glistened from its lofty station in sympathy with the general gladness ; and from the ivy-shaded windows such gleams of light shone back upon the glowing sky, that it seemed as if the quiet buildings were the hoarding-place of twenty summers, and all their ruddiness and warmth were stored within. Even those tokens of the season which emphatically whis- pered of the coming winter, graced the landscape, and, for the moment, tinged its livelier features with no oppressive air of sadness. The fallen leaves, with which the ground was strewn, gave forth a pleasant fragrance, and subduing i6 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. all harsh sounds of distant feet and wheels, created a repose in gentle unison with the light scattering of seed hither and thither by the distant husbandman, and with the noiseless passage of the plow as it turned up the rich brown earth, and wrought a graceful pattern in the stubbled fields On the motionless branches of some trees, autumn berries hung like clusters of coral beads, as in those fal)led orchards where the fruits were jewels ; others, stripped of all their garniture, stood each the center of its little heap of bright red leaves, watching their slow decay ; others again, still wearing theirs, had them all crunched and crackled up, as chough they had been burned ; about the stems of some were piled, -in ruddy mounds, the apples they had borne that year ; while others (hardly evergreens this class) showed somewhat stern and gloomy in their vigor, as charged by nature with the admoni- tion that it is not to her more sensitive and joyous favorites she grants the longest term of life. Still athwart their darker boughs, the sunbeams struck out paths of deeper gold ; and the red light, mantling in among their swarthy branches, used them as foils to set its brightness off, and aid the luster of the dying day. A moment, and its glory was no more. The sun went down beneath the long dark lines of hill and cloud which piled up in the west an airy city, wall heaped on wall, and l)attlement on battlement ; the light was all withdrawn ; the shining church turned cold and dark ; the stream forgot to to smile ; the birds were silent ; and the gloom of winter dwelt on every thing. An evening wind uprose too, and the slighter branches cracked and rattled as they moved, in skeleton dances, to its moaning music. The withering leaves no longer quiet, hur- ried to and fro in search of shelter from its chill pursuit ; the laborer unyoked horses, and with his head bent down trudged briskly home beside them ; and from the cottage windows lights began to glance and wink upon the darken- ing fields. Then the village forge came out in all its bright import- ance. The lusty bellows roared ha ha ! to the clear fire, which roared in turn, and bade the shining sparks dance gayly to the merry clinking of the hammers on the anvil. The gleaming iron, in its emulation, sparkled too, and shed its red hot gems around profusely. The strong smith and his men dealt such strokes upon their work, as made even the melancholy night rejoice, and brought a glow into its dark face MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 17 as it hovered about the door and windows, peeping curiously in above the shoulders of a dozen loungers. As to this idle company, there they stood, spell-bound by the place, and, casting now and then a glance upon the darkness in their rear, settled their lazy elbows more at ease upon the sill, and leaned a little further in, no more disposed to tear themselves away than if they had been born to cluster round the blaz- ing hearth like so many crickets. Out upon the angry wind I how from sighing, it began to bluster round the merry forge, banging at the wicket, and grumbling in the chimney, as if it bullied the jolly bellows for doing %ny thing to order. And what an impotent swag- gerer it was too, for all its noise ; for if it had any influence on that hoarse companion, it was but to make him roar his cheerful song the louder, and by consequence to make the fire burn the brighter, and the sparks to dance more gayly yet ; at length, they whizzed so madly round and round, that it was too much for such a surly wind to bear ; so off it flew with a howl, giving the old sign before the ale-house door such a cuff as it went, that the blue dragon was more ram- pant than usual ever afterward, and indeed, before Christ- mas reared clean out of its crazy frame. It was sm.all tyranny for a respectable wind to go wreaking its vengeance on such poor creatures as the fallen leaves, but this wind happening to come up with a great heap of them just after venting its hum.or on the insulted dragon, did so disperse and scatter them that they fled away, pell-mell, some here, some there, rolling over each other, whirling round and round upon their thin edges, taking fi antic flights into the air, and playing all manner of extraordmary gambols in the extremity of their distress. Xor was this enough for its malicious fury ; for not content with driving them abroad, it charged small parties of them and hunted them into the w^heelwright's saw pit, and below the planks and timbers in the yard, and scattering the sawdust in the air, it looked for them underneath, and when it did m.eet with any, whew ! how it drove them, on and followed at their heels ! The scared leaves only flew the faster for all this, and a giddy chase it was ; for they got into unfrequented places, where there was no outlet, and where their pursuer kept them eddying round and round at his pleasure ; and they crept under the eaves of houses, and clung tightly to the sides of hay ricks, like bats ; and tore in at open chamber windows, and cowered close to hedges, and in short went i8 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. anywhere for safety. But the oddest feat they achieved was, to take advantage of the sudden opening of Mr. Pecksniff's front door, to dash wildly into his passage ; whither the wind following close upon them, and finding the back door open, incontinently blew out the lighted candle held by Miss Pecksniff, and slammed the front door against Mr. Pecksniff who was at that moment entering, with such vio- lence, that in the twinkling of an eye he lay on his back at the bottom of the steps. Being by this time weary of such trifling performances, the boisterous rover hurried away rejoicing, roaring over moor and meadow, hill and flat, until it got out to sea, where it met with other winds similarly dis- posed, and made a night of it. In the meantime Mr. Pecksniff, having received from a sharp angle in the bottom step but one that sort of knock on the head which lights up, for the patient's entertainment, an imaginary general illumination of very bright short sixes, lay placidly staring at his own street door. And it would seem to have been more suggestive in its aspect than street doors usually are ; for he continued to lie there, rather ^ lengthy and unreasonable time, without so much as wondering whether he was hurt or no ; neither, when Miss Pecksniff inquired through the key-hole in a shrill voice, which might have belonged to a wind in its teens, " Who's there ? " did he make any reply ; nor, when Miss Pecksniff opened the door again, and shading the candle with her hand, peered out, and looked provokingly round him, and about him, and over him, and everywhere but at him, did he offer my remark, or indicate in any manner the least hint of a desire to be picked up. " / see you," cried Miss Pecksniff, to the ideal inflicter of a runaway knock. " You'll catch it, sir ! " Still Mr. Pecksniff, perhaps from having caught it already, said nothing. " You're round the corner now," cried Miss Pecksniff. She said it at a venture, but there was appropriate matter in it too ; for Mr. Pecksniff, being in the act of extinguishing the candles before mentioned pretty rapidly, and of reducing the number of brass knobs on his street-door from four or five hundred (which had previously been juggling of their own accord before his eyes in a very novel manner) to a dozen or so, might in one sense have been said to be coming round the corner, and just turning it. With a sharply-delivered warning relative to the cage and MARTliN CHUZ2LEWIT. 19 the constable and the stocks and the gallows, Miss Peck- sniff was about to close the door again, when Mr. Pecksniff (being still at the bottom of the steps) raised himself up on one elbow and sneezed. " That voice ! " cried Miss Pecksniff. " My parent ! " At this exclamation, another Miss Pecksniff bounced out of the parlor, and the two Miss Pecksniffs, with many inco- herent expressions, dragged Mr. Pecksniff into an upright posture. " Pa ! " they cried in concert. " Pa ! Speak, pa ! Do not look so wild, my dearest pa ! " But as the gentleman's looks, in such a case of all others, are by no means under his own control, Mr. Pecksniff con- tinued to keep his mouth and his eyes very wide open, and to drop his lower jaw, somewhat after the manner of a toy nut-cracker ; and as his hat had fallen off, and his face was pale, and his hair erect, and his coat muddy, the spectacle he presented was so very doleful, that neither of the Miss Pecksniffs could repress an involuntary screech. " That'll do," said Mr. Pecksniff. " I'm better. "^ ** He's come to himself ! " cried the youngest Miss Peck- sniff. " He speaks again ! " exclaimed the eldest. With these joyful words they kissed Mr. Pecksniff on either cheek, and bore him into the house. Presently, the youngest Miss Pecksniff ran out again to pick up his hat, his brown paper parcel, his umbrella, his gloves, and other small articles ; and that done and the door closed, both young ladies applied themselves to tending Mr. Pecksniff's wounds in the back parlor. They were not very serious in their nature, being limited to abrasions on what the eldest Miss Pecksniff called " the knobby parts " of her parent's anatomy, such as his knees and elbows, and to the development of an entirely new organ, unknown to phrenologists, on the back of his head. These injuries having been comforted externally, with patches of pickled brown paper, and Mr. Pecksniff having been comforted internally, with some stiff brandy and water, the eldest Miss Pecksniff sat down to make the tea which was all ready. In the meantime, the youngest Miss Pecksniff brought from the kitchen a smoking dish of ham and eggs, and, setting the same before her father, took up her station on a low stool at his feet, thereby bringing her eyes on a level with the teaboard. 20 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. It must not be inferred from this position of humility, that the youngest Miss Pecksniff was so young as to be, as one may say, forced to sit upon a stool, by reason of the shortness of her legs. Miss Pecksniff sat upon a stool, because of her simplicity and innocence, which were very great — very great. Miss Pecksniff sat upon a stool, because she was all girlish- ness, and playfulness, and wildness, and kittenish buoyancy. She was the most arch and at the same time, the most artless creature, was the youngest Miss Pecksniff, that you can possi- bly image. It was her great charm. She was to© fresh and guileless, and too full of child-like vivacity, was the youngest Miss Pecksniff, to wear combs in her hair, or to turn it up, or to frizzle it or braid it. She wore it in a crop, a loosely flowing crop, which had so many rows of curls in it, that the top row was only one curl. Moderately buxom was her shape, and quite womanly too ; but sometimes — yes, some- times— she even wore a pinafore ; and how charming that was ! Oh ! she was indeed " a gushing thing " (as a young gentleman had observed in verse, in the poet's-corner of a provincial newspaper), was the youngest Miss Pecksniff ! Mr. Pecksniff was a moral man — a grave man, a man of noble sentiments, and speech ; and he had had her christened Mercy. Mercy ! oh, what a charming name for such a pure- souled being as the youngest Miss Pecksniff ! Her sister's name was Charity. There was a good thing ! Mercy and Charity ! And Charity with her fine strong sense, and her mild, yet not reproachful gravity, was so well named, and did so well set off and illustrate her sister ! What a pleasant sight was that, the contrast they presented : to each love and loving one sympathizing with and devoted to, and leaning on, and yet correcting and counter-checking, and, as it were, antidoting the other ! To behold each damsel in her very ad- miration of her sister, setting up in business for herself on an entirely different principle, and announcing no connection with over-the-way, and if the quality of goods at that estab- lishment don't please you, you are respectfully invited to favor ME with a call ! And the crowning circumstance of the whole delightful catalogue was, that both the fair creatures were so utterly unconscious of all this ! They had no idea of it. They no more thought or dreamed of it, than Mr. Pecksniff did. Nature played them off against each other ; they had no hand in it, the two Miss Pecksniffs. It has been remarked that Mr. Pecksniff was a moral man. So he was. Perhaps there never was a more moral MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 21 man than Mr. Pecksniff, especially in his conversation and correspondence. It was once said of him by a homely admirer, that he had a Fortunatus's purse of gold sentiments in his inside. In this particular he was like the girl in the fairy tale, except that if they were not actual diamonds which fell from his lips, they were the very brightest paste and shone prodigiously. He was a most exemplary man ; fuller of virtuous precept than a copy-book. Some people likened him to a direction-post, which is always telling the way to a place, and never goes there ; but these were his enemies — the shadows cast by his brightness — that was all. His very throat was moral. You saw a good deal of it. You looked over a very low fence of white cravat (whereof no man had ever beheld the tie, for he fastened it behind), and there it lay, a valley between two jutting heights of col- lar, serene and whiskerless before you. It seemeii to say, on the part of Mr. Pecksniff, ''There is no deception, ladies and gentleman, all is peace, a holy calm pervades me." So did his hair, just grizzled with an iron-gray, which was all brushed off his forehead, and stood bolt upright, or slightly drooped in kindred action with his heavy eyelids. So did his person, which was sleek though free from corpulency. So did his manner, which was soft and oily. In a word, even his plain black suit, and state of widower, and dangling double eye-glass, all tended to the same purpose, and cried aloud, " Behold the moral Pecksniff ! " The brazen plate upon the door (which being Mr. Peck- sniff's, could not lie) bore this inscription, '' Pecksniff, Architect," to which Mr. Pecksniff, on his cards of busi- ness added, '' and Land Surveyor." In one sense, and only one, he may be said to have been a land surveyor on a pretty large scale, as an extensive prospect lay stretched out before the windows of his house. Of his architectural doings, nothing was clearly known, except that he had never designed or built any thing ; but it was generally understood that his knowledge of the science was almost awful in its profundity. Mr. Pecksniff's professional engagements, indeed, were almost, if not entirely, confined to the reception of pupils ; for the collection of rents, with which pursuit he occasionally varied and relieved his graver toils, can hardly be said to be a strictly architectural employment. His genius lay in ensnaring parents and guardians, and pocketing premiums. A young gentleman's premium being paid, and the young 22 MAP.TIN CHUZZLEVVIT. gentleman come to Mr. Pecksniff's house, Mr. Pecksniff bor- rowed his case of mathematical instrum_ents (if silver- mounted or otherwise valuable) ; entreated him, from that moment, to consider himself one of the family ; compli- mented him highly on his parents or guardians, as the case might be, and turned him loose in a spacious room on the two-pair front, where, in the company of certain drawing- Doards, parallel rulers, very stiff-legged compasses, and two, or perhaps three, other young gentlemen, he improved him- self, for three or five years, according to his articles, in mak- ing elevations of Salisbury Cathedral from every possible point of sight ; and in constructmg in the air a vast quantity of castles, houses of parliament, and other public buildings. Perhaps in no place in the world were so many gorgeous edifices of this class erected as under Mr. Pecksniff's auspices ; and if but one-twentieth part of the churches which were built in that front room, with one or the other of the Miss Pecksniffs at the altar in the act of marrying the architect, could only be made available by the parliamentary commissioners, no more churches would be wanted for at least five centuries. " Even the worldly goods of which we have just disposed," said Mr. Pecksniff glancing round the table when he had finished, " even cream, sugar, tea, toast, ham, — " *' And eggs," suggested Charity in a low voice. " And eggs," said Mr. Pecksniff, " even they have their moral. See how they come and go ! Every pleasure is transitory. We can't even eat, long. If we indulge in harmless fluids, we get the dropsy ; if in exciting liquids, we get drunk. What a soothing reflection is that ! " *' Don't say we get drunk, pa," urged the eldest Miss Pecksniff. ^' When I say we, my dear," returned her father, ** I mean mankind in general ; the human race, considered as a body, and not as individuals. There is nothing per- sonal in morality, my love. Even such a thing as this," said Mr. Pecksniff, laying the fore-finger of his left hand upon the brown paper patch on the top of his head, " slight casual baldness though it be, reminds us that we are but " — he was going to say *' worms," but rec- ollecting that worms were not remarkable for heads of hair, he substituted " flesh and blood." *' Which," cried Mr. Pecksniff after a pause, during \\ hich he seemed to have been casting about for a new moral, and MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 23 not quite successfully, *' which is also very soothing. Mercy, my dear, stir the fire and throw up the cinders." The young lady obeyed, and having done so, resumed her stool, reposed one arm upon her father's knee, and laid her blooming cheek upon it. Miss Charity drew her chair nearer the fire as one prepared for conversation, and looked toward her father. " Yes," said Mr. Pecksniff, after a short pause, during which he had been silently smiling, and shaking his head at the fire ; " I have again been fortunate in the attainment of my object. A new mmate will very shortly conie among us." " A youth, papa ? " asked Charity. • *^Ye-es, a youth," said Mr. Pecksniff. ''He will avail himself of the eligible opportunity which now offers, for uniting the advantages of the best practical architectural education, with the comforts of a home, and the constant association with some who (however humble their sphere, and limited their capacity) are not unmindful of their moral responsibilities." " Oh pa ! " cried Mercy, holding up her finger archly. *' See advertisement ! " *' Playful — playful warbler," said Mr. Pecksniff. It may be observed in connection with his calling his daughter " a warbler," that she was not at all vocal, but that Mr. Peck- sniff was in the frequent habit of using any word that occurred to him as having a good sound, and rounding a sentence well, without mucli care for its meaning. And he did this so boldly, and in such an imposing manner, that he would sometimes stagger the wisest people with his elo- quence, and make them gasp again. His enemies asserted, by the way, that a strong trustful- ness in sounds and forms, was the master-key to Mr. Peck- sniff's character. " Is he handsome, pa ? " inquired the younger daughter. " Silly Merry ! " said the eldest — Merry being fond for Mercy. " What is the premium, pa ? tell us that." " Oh good gracious, Cherry ! " cried Miss Mercy, hold- ing up her hands with the most winning giggle in the world, *' what a mercenary girl you are ! oh you naughty, thought- ful, prudent thing ! " It was perfectly charming, and worthy of the pastoral age, to see how the two Miss Pecksniffs slapped each other after this, and then subsided into an embrace expressive of their different dispositions. 24 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " He is well looking," said Mr. Pecksniff, slowly and dis- tinctly ; " well looking enough. I do not positively expect any immediate premium with him." Notwithstanding their different natures, both Charity and Mercy concurred in opening their eyes uncommonly wide at this announcement, and in looking for the moment as blank as if their thoughts had actually had a direct bearing on the main-chance. '' But what of that ! " said Mr. Pecksniff, still smiling at the fire. " There is disinterestedness in the world, I hope ? We are not all arrayed in two opposite ranks ; the o/iensive and the rt'^fensive. Some few there are who walk between ; who help the needy as they go ; and take no part with either side ? Umph ? " There was something in these morsels of philanthropy which reassured the sisters. They exchanged glances, and brightened very much. " Oh ! let us not be forever calculating, devising, and plotting for the future," said Mr. Pecksniff, smiling more and more, and looking at the fire as a man might, who was cracking a joke with it ; "I am weary of such arts. If our inclinations are but good and open-hearted, let us gratify them boldly, though they bring upon us, loss instead of profit. Eh, Charity ? " Glancing toward his daughters for the first time since he had begun these reflections, and seeing that they both smiled, Mr. Pecksniff eyed them for an instant so jocosely (though still with a kind of saintly waggishness) that the younger one was moved to sit upon his knee forthwith, put her fair arms round liis neck, and kiss him twenty times. During the whole of this affectionate display she laughed to a most immoderate extent ; in which hilarious indulgence even the prudent Cherry joined. " Tut, tut," said Mr. Pecksniff, pushing his latest-born away and running his fingers through his hair, as he resumed his tranquil face. " What folly is this ! Let us take heed how we laugh without reason, lest we cry with it. What is the domestic news since yesterday ? John West- lock is gone, I hope ? " '* Indeed no," said Charity. *' And why not ? " returned her father. " His term expired yesterday. And his box was packed, I know ; for I saw it in the morning, standing in the hall." *' He slept last night at the Dragon," returned \hi MARTIN CHUZZLEWJT. 25 young lady, " and had Mr. Pinch to dine with him. They spent the evening together, and Mr. Pinch was not home till very late." " And when I saw him on the stairs this morning, pa," said Mercy with her usual sprightliness, " he looked, oh good- ness, such a monster ! with his face all manner of colors, and his eyes as dull as if they had been boiled, and his head aching dreadfully, I am sure from the look of it, and his clothes smelling, oh it's impossible to say how strong of " — here the young lady shuddered — "of smoke and punch." " Now I think," said Mr. Pecksniff with his accustomed gentleness, though still with the air of one who suffered under injur}' without complaint, " I think Mr. Pinch might have done better than choose for his companion one who, at the close of a long intercourse, had endeavored, as he knew, to wound my feelings. I am not quite sure that this was deli- cate in Mr. Pinch. I am not quite sure that this was kind in Mr. Pinch. I will go further and say, I am not quite sure that this was even ordinarily grateful in Mr. Pinch." " But what can anyone expect from Mr. Pinch ! " cried Charity, with as strong and scornful an emphasis on the name as if it would have given her unspeakable pleasure to express it, in an acted charade, on the calf of that gentle- man's leg. " Ay, ay," returned her father, raising his hand mildly ; " it is very well to say what can we expect from Mr, Pinch, but Mr. Pinch is a fellow-creature, my dear ; Mr. Pinch is an item in the vast total of humanity, my love; and we have a right, it is our duty, to expect in Mr. Pinch some devel- opment of those better qualities, the possession of which in our own persons inspires our humble self-respect. No," continued Mr. Pecksniff. " No! Heaven forbid that I should say, nothing can be expected from Mr. Pinch ; or that I should say, nothing can be expected from any man alive (even the most degraded, which Mr. Pinch is not, no really); but Mr, Pinch has disappointed me ; I think a little the worse of him on this account, but not of human nature. Oh no, no ! " Hark ! " said Miss Charity, holding up her finger, as a gentle rap was heard at the street-door. '' There is the creat- ure ! Now mark my words, he has come back with John Westlock for his box, and is going to help him to take it to the mail. Only mark my words, if that isn't his inten- tion!" 26 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Even as she spoke, the box appeared to be in progress of conveyance from the house, but after a brief murmuring of question and answer, it was put down again, and some- body knocked at the parlor door. *' Come in ! " cried Mr. Pecksniff — not severely ; only virtuously. " Come in ! " An ungainly, awkward-looking man, extremely short- sighted, and prematurely bald, availed himself of this per- mission ; and seeing that Mr. Pecksniff sat with his back toward him, gazing at the fire, stood hesitating, with the door in his hand. He was far from handsome certainly ; and was dressed in a snuff-colored suit, of an uncouth make at the best, which being shrunk with long wear, was twisted and tortured into all kinds of shapes ; but notwithstanding his attire, and his clumsy figure, which a great stoop in his shoulders, and a ludicrous habit he had of thrusting his head forward, by no means redeemed, one would not have been disposed (unless Mr. Pecksniff said so) to consider him a bad fellow by any means. He was perhaps about thirty, but he might have been almost any age between sixteen and sixty; being one of those strange creatures who never decline into an ancient appearance, but look their oldest when they are very young, and get it over at once. Keeping his hand upon the lock of the door, he glanced from Mr. Pecksniff to Mercy, from Mercy to Charity, and from Charity to Mr. Pecksniff again, several times ; but the young ladies being as intent upon the fire as their father was, and neither of the three taking any notice of him, he was fain to say, at last, '' Oh ! I beg your pardon, Mr. Pecksniff ; I beg your pardon for intruding ; but — " " No intrusion, Mr. Pinch,'* said the gentleman very sweetly, but without looking round. " Pray be seated, Mr. Pinch. Have the goodness to shut the door, Mr. Pinch, if you please." *' Certainly, sir," said Pinch ; not doing so, however, but holding it rather wider open than before, and beckoning ner- vously to somebody without ; *' Mr. Westlock, sir, hearing that you were coming home — " *' Mr. Pinch, Mr. Pinch ! " said Pecksniff, wheeling his chair about, and looking at him with an aspect of the decp- esLmelancholy, " I did not expect this from you. I ha\e not deserved this from you ! " " No, but upon my word, sir " — urged Pinch, MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 27 " The less you say, Mr. Pinch," interposed the other, " the better. I utter no complaint. Make no defense." " No, but do have the goodness, sir," cried Mr. Pinch, with great earnestness, *' if you please. Mr. Westlock, sir, going away for good and all, wishes to leave none but friends behind him. Mr. Westlock and you, sir, had a little difference the other day ; you have had many little differences." " Little differences ! " cried Charity. *' Little differences ! " echoed Mercy. " My loves ! " said Mr. Pecksniff, with the same serene upraising of his hand ; " my dears ! " After a solemn pause he meekly bowed to Mr. Pinch, as who should say, " Pro- ceed ; " but Mr. Pinch was so very much at a loss how to resume, and looked so helplessly at the two Miss Pecksniffs, that the conversation would most probably have terminated there, if a good-looking youth, newly arrived at man's estate, had not stepped forward from the doorway and taken up the thread of the discourse. " Come, Mr. Pecksniff," he said, with a smile, " don't let there be any ill-blood between us, pray. I am sorry we have ever differed, and extremely sorry I have ever given you offense. Bear me no ill-will at parting, sir." "I bear," answered Mr. Pecksniff, mildly, "no ill will to any man on earth." " I told you he didn't," said Mr. Pinch, in an undertone ; *' I knew he didn't ! He always says he don't." " Then you will shake hands, sir ? " cried Westlock, advancing a step or two, and bespeaking Mr. Pmch's clos^ attention by a glance. '' Umph !" said Mr. Pecksniff, in his most winning tone. " You will shake hands, sir." " No, John," said Mr. Pecksniff, with a calmness quite ethereal ; " no, I will not shake hands, John. I have for- given you. I had already forgiven you, even before you ceased to reproach and taunt me. I have embraced you in the spirit, John, which is better than shaking hands." '^ Pinch," said the youth turning toward him, with a hearty disgust of his late master, " what did I tell you ? " Poor Pinch looked down uneasily, at Mr. Pecksniff, whose eye was fixed upon him as it had been from the first. "As to your forgiveness, Mr. Pecksniff," said the youth. ** I'll not have it upon such terms. I won't be forgiven." *' Won't you, John ? " retorted Mr. Pecksniff, with a 2^ MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. smile. " You must. You can't help it. Forgiveness is a high quality ; an exalted virtue ; far above your control or influence, John. I im'// forgive you. You can not move me to remember any wrong you have ever done me, John." " Wrong ! " cried the other, with all the heat and impetu- osity of his age. " Here's a pretty fellow ! Wrong ! Wrong I have done him ! He'll not even remember the five hund- red pounds he had with me under false pretenses ; or the seventy pounds a-year for board and lodging that would have been dear at seventeen ! Here's a martyr ! " " Money, John," said Mr. Pecksniff, " is the root of all evil. I grieve to see that it is already bearing evil fruit in you. But I will not remember its existence. 1 will not even remember the conduct of that misguided person " — and here, although he spoke like one at peace with all the world, he used emphasis that plainly said *' I have my eye on the rascal now" — " that misguided person that has brought you here to-night, seeking to disturb (it is a happiness to say, in vain) the heart's repose and peace of one who would have shed his dearest blood to serve him." The voice of Mr. Pecksniff trembled as he spoke, and sobs were heard from his daughters. Sounds floated on the air, moreover, as if two spirit voices had exclaimed ; one " beast ! " and the other " savage ! " " Forgiveness," said Mr. Pecksniff, " entire and pure for- giveness is not incompatible with a wounded heart ; per- chance when the lieart is wounded, it becomes a greater vir- tue. With my breast still wrung and grieved to its inmost core by the ingratitude of that person, I am proud and glad to say, that I forgive him. Nay ! I beg," cried Mr. Peck- sniff, raising his voice, as Pinch appeared about to speak, " I beg that individual not to offer a remark ; he will truly oblige me by not uttering one word, just now. 1 am not sure that I am equal to the trial. In a very short space of time, I shall have sufficient fortitude, I trust, to converse with him as if these events had never happened. Put not," said Mr. Pecksniff, turning round again toward the fire, and waving his hand in the direction of the door, ''not now." " Bah ! " cried John Westlock, with the utmost disgust and disdain the monosyllable is cai)able of ex})ressing. '* Ladies, good evening. Come, Pinch, it's not worth think- ing of. I was right and you were wrong. That's a small matter; you'll be wiser another time." So saying, he clapped that dejected companion on the MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 29 shoulder, turned upon his heel, and walked out into the pas- sage whither poor Mr. Pinch, after lingering irresolutely in the parlor for a few seconds, expressing in his countenance the deepest mental misery and gloom, followed him. Then they took up the box between them, and sallied out to meet the mail. That fleet conveyance passed, every night, the corner of a lane at some distance; toward which point they bent their steps. For some minutes they walked along in silence, until at length young Westlock burst into a loud laugh, and at intervals into another, and another. Still there was no response from his companion. " I'll tell you what. Pinch! " he said abruptly, after another lengthened silence, " you haven't half enough of the devil in you. Half enough! You haven't any." "Well!" said Pinch, with a sigh, "I don't know, I'm sure. It's a compliment to say so. If I haven't, I suppose, I'm all the better for it." "All the better! " repeated his companion tartly; **all the worse, you mean to say." "And yet," said Pinch, pursuing his own thoughts and not this last remark on the part of his friend, " I must have a good deal of what you call the devil in me, too, or how could I make Pecksniff so uncomfortable ? I wouldn't have occasioned him so much distress — don't laugh, please — for a mine of money; and heaven knows I could find good use for it, too, John. How grieved he was! " ^^ He grieved! " returned the other. " Why, didn't you observe that the tears were almost start- ing out of his eyes! " cried Pinch. " Bless my soul, John, is it nothing to see a man moved to that extent and know one's self to be the cause! and did you hear him say that he could have shed his blood for me ? " " Do you 2£/«/// any blood shed for you?" returned his friend, with considerable irritation. " Does he shed any thing for you that you do want ? Does he shed employment for you, instruction for you, pocket-money for you ? Does he shed even legs of mutton for you in any decent propor- tion to potatoes and garden stuff?" " I am afraid," said Pinch, sighing again, " that I am a great eater; I can't disguise from myself that I'm a great eater. Now, you know that, John." " You a great eater! " retorted his companion, with no less indignation than before. " How do you know you are ? " 30 , MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. There appeared to be forcible matter in this inquiry, for Mr. Pinch only repeated in an undertone that he had a strong misgiving on the subject, and that he greatly feared he was. " Besides, whether I am or no," he added, " that has little or nothing to do with his thinking me ungrateful. John, there is scarcely a sin in the world that is in my eyes such a crying one as ingratitude; and whefi he taxes me with that, and believes me to be guilty of it, he makes me miserable and wretched." " Do you think he don't know that ? " returned the other scornfully. " But come, Pinch, before I say any thing more to you, just run over the reasons you have for being grateful to him at all, will you ? Change hands first, for the box is heavy. That'll do. Now, go on." " In the first place," said Pinch, " he took me as his pupil for much less than he asked." '' Well," rejoined his friend, perfectly unmoved by this instance of generosity. '' What in the second place ? " " What in the second place! " cried Pinch, in a sort of desperation, " why, every thing in the second place. My poor old grandmother died happy to think that she had put me with such an excellent man. I have grown up in his house, I am in his confidence, I am his assistant, he allows me a salary; when his business improves, my prospects are to improve, too. All this, and a great deal more, is in the second place. And in the very prologue and preface to the first place, John, you must consider this, which nobody knows better than I; that I was born for much plainer and poorer things, that I am not a good hand for this kind of business, and have no talent for it, or indeed for any thing else but odds and ends that are of no use or service to any body." He said this with so much earnestness, and in a tone so full of feeling, that his companion instinctively changed his manner as he sat down on the box (they had by this time reached the finger-post at the end of the lane); motioned him to sit down beside him; and laid his hand upon his shoulder. " I believe you are one of the best fellows in the world," he said, "Tom Pinch." " Not at all," rejoined Tom. "If you only knew Peck- sniff as well as I do, you might say it of him, indeed, and say it truly." MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 31 " I'll say any thing of him, you like," returned the other, *• and not another word to his disparagement." " It's for my sake, then ; not his, I am afraid," said Pinch shaking his head gravely. " For whose you please, Tom, so that it does please you. Oh ! He's a famous fellow ! jie never scraped and clawed into his pouch all your poor grandmother's hard savings — she was a housekeeper, wasn't she, Tom ? " "Yes," said Mr. Pinch, nursing one of his large knees, and nodding his head; ^* a gentleman's housekeeper." " He never scraped and clawed into his pouch all her hard savings; dazzling her with prospects of your happiness and advancement, which he knew (and no man better) never would be realized ! He never speculated and traded on her pride in you, and her having educated you, and on her desire that you at least should live to be a gentleman. Not he, Tom ! " " No," said Tom, looking into his friend's face, as if he were a little doubtful of his meaning ; '' of course not." " So I say," returned the youth, " of course he never did. He didn't take less than he had asked, because that less was all she had, and more than he expected ; not he, Tom ! He doesn't keep you as his assistant because you are of any use to him ; because your wonderful faith in his pretensions is of inestimable service in all his mean disputes ; because your honesty reflects honesty on him ; because your wander- ing about this little place all your spare hours, reading in ancient books and foreign tongues, gets noised abroad, even as far as Salisbury, m^aking of him, Pecksniff the master, a man of learning and of vast importance. He gets no credit from you, Tom, not he." '' Why, of course he don't," said Pinch, gazing at his friend with a more troubled aspect than before. " Peck- sniff get credit from me ! Well ! " '' Don't I say that it's ridiculous," rejoined the other, " even to think of such a thing ? " ** Why, it's madness," said Tom. " Madness ! " returned young Westlock. '' Certainly, it's madness. Who but a madman would suppose he cares to hear it said on Sundays, that the volunteer who plays the organ in the church, and practices on summer evenings in the dark is Mr. Pecksniff's young man, eh, Tom ? Who but a madman would suppose it is the game of such a man as he, to have his name in every body's mouth, connected with the 3^ MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. thousand useless odds and ends you do (and which, ot course, he taught you), eh, Tom ? Who but a madman would suppose you advertised him hereabouts, much cheaper and much better than a chalker on the walls could, eh, Tom ? As well might one suppose that he doesn't on all occasions pour out his whole, heart and soul to you ; that he doesn't make you a very liberal and indeed rather an extrav- agant allowance; or, to be more wild and monstrous still, if that be possible, as well might one suppose," and here, at every word, he struck him lightly on the breast, ^' that Peck- sniff traded in your nature, and that your nature was, to be timid and distrustful of yourself, and trustful of all other men, but most of all, of him who least deserves it. There would be madness, Tom ! " Mr. Pinch had listened to all this with looks of bewilder- ment, which seemed to be in part occasioned by the matter of his companion's speech, and in part by his rapid and vehement manner. Now that he had come to a close, he drew a very long breath ; and gazing wistfully in his face as if he were unable to settle in his own mind what expres- sion it wore, and were desirous to draw from it as good a clew to his real meaning as it was possible to obtain in the dark, was about to answer, when the sound of the mail guard's horn came cheerily upon their ears, putting an immediate end to the conference : greatly as it seemed to the satisfaction of the younger man, who jumped up briskly, and gave his hand to his companion. " Both hands, Tom. I shall write to you from London, mind ! " " Yes," said Pinch. '' Yes. " Yes. Do, please. Good- by. I can hardly believe you're going. It seems, now, but yesterday that you came. Good-by ! my dear old fellow ! " John Westlock returned his parting words with no less hearti- ness of manner, and sprung up to his seat upon the roof. Off went the mail at a canter down the dark road ; the lamps gleaming brightly, and the horn awakening all the echoes, far and wide. " Go your way," said Pinch, apostrophizing the coach; *' I can hardly persuade myself but you're alive, and are some great monster who visits this place at certain intervals, to bear my friends away into the world. You're more exulting and rampant than usual to-night, I think; and you may well crow over your prize ; for he is a fine lad, an ingenuous lad, and has but one fault that I know of; he don't mean it, but be is most cruelly unjust to Pecksniff ! " MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 33 CHAPTER HI. IN WHICH CERTAIN OTHER PERSONS ARE INTRODUCED : ON THE SAME TERMS AS IN THE LAST CHAPTER. Mention has been already made more than once of a cer- tain dragon who swung and creaked complainingly before the village ale-house door. A faded, and an ancient dragon he was ; and many a wintry storm of rain, snow, sleet, and hail had changed his color from a gaudy blue to a faint lack- luster shade of gray. But there he hung, rearing, in a state of monstrous imbecility, on his hind legs ; waxing, with every month that passed, so much more dim and shapeless, that as you gazed at him on one side of the sign-board it seemed as if he must be gradually melting through it, and coming out upon the other. He was a courteous and con- siderate dragon too ; or had been in his distincter days ; for in the midst of his rampant feebleness, he kept one of his fore paws near his nose, as though he would say, " Don't mind me — it's only my fun; " while he held out the other, in polite and hospitable entreaty. Indeed it must be conceded to the whole brood of dragons of modern times, that they have made a great advance in civilization and refinement. They no longer demand a beautiful virgin for breakfast every morning, with as much regularity as any tame single gentleman expects his hot roll, but rest content with the society of idle bachelors and roving married men ; and they are now remarkable rather for holding aloof irom the softer sex and discouraging their visits (especially on Saturday nights), than for rudely insisting on their company without any reference to their inclinations, as they are known to have done in days of yore. Nor is this tribute to the reclaimed animals in question so wide a digression into the realms of natural history, as it may, at first sight, appear to be ; for the present business of these pages is with the dragon who had his retreat in Mr. Pecksniff's neighborhood, and that courteous animal being already on the carpet, there is nothing in the way of its immediate transaction. For many years, then, he had swung and creaked, and flapped himself about, before the two windows of the best bed-room in that house of entertainment to which he lent his name ; but never in all his swinging, creaking and flap- 34 MARTIN CHU^ZLEWIT. ping, had there been such a stir within its dingy precincts, as on the evening next after that upon which the incidents, detailed in the last chapter, occurred ; when there was such a hurrying up and down stairs of feet, such a glancing of lights, such a whispering of voices, such a smoking and sputtering of wood newly lighted in a damp chimney, such an airing of linen, such a scorching smell of hot warming- pans, such a domestic bustle and to-do, in short, as never dragon, griffin, unicorn or other animal of that species pre- sided over, since they first began to interest themselves in household affairs. An old gentleman and a young lady, traveling, unattended, in a rusty old chariot with post-horses ; coming nobody knew whence, and going nobody knew whither ; had turned out of the high road, and driven unexpectedly to the Blue Dragon ; and here was the old gentleman, who had taken this step by reason of his sudden illness in the carriage, suf- fering the most horrible cramps and spasms, yet protesting and vowing in the very midst of his pain that he wouldn't have a doctor sent for, and wouldn't take any remedies but those which the young lady administered from a small medi- cine-chest, and wouldn't, in a word, do any thing but terrify the landlady out of her five wits, and obstinately refuse compliance with every suggestion that was made to him. Of all the five hundred proposals for his relief which the good woman poured out in less than half an hour, he would entertain but one. That was, that he should go to bed. And it was in the preparation of his bed, and the arrange- ment of his chamber, that all the stir was made in the room behind the dragon. He was, beyond all question, very ill, and suffered ex- ceedingly ; not the less, perhaps, because he was a strong and vigorous old man, with a will of iron, and a voice of brass. But neither the apprehensions which he plainly entertained, at times, for his life, nor the great pain he underwent, influenced his resolution in the least degree. He would have no person sent for. The worse he grew, the more rigid and inflexible he became in his determination. If they sent for any person to attend him. man, woman, or child, he would leave the house directly (so he told them), though he quitted it on foot, and died upon the threshold of the door. Now, there being no medical practitioner actually resi- dent in the village but a poor apothecary, who was also a MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 35 grocer and general dealer, the landlady had, upon her own responsibility, sent for him, in the very first burst and out- set of the disaster. Of course it followed, as a necessary result of his being wanted, that he was not at home. He had gone some miles away, and was not expected home until late at night ; so, the landlady, bemg by this time pretty well beside herself, dispatched the same messenger in all haste for Mr. Pecksniff, as a learned man who could bear a deal of responsibility, and a moral man who could adminis- ter a word of comfort to a troubled mind. That her guest had need of some efficient services under the latter head was obvious enough from the restless expressions, importing, however, rather a worldly than a spiriting 1 anxiety, to which he gave frequent utterance. From this last-mentioned secret errand the messenger returned with no better news than from the first ; Mr. Peck- sniff was not at home. However, they got the patient into bed without him ; and in the course of two ho?irs, he grad- ually became so far better that there were much longer inter- vals than at first between his terms of suffering. By degrees, he ceased to suffer at all, though his exhaustion was occa- sionally so great, that it suggested hardly less alarm than his actual endurance had done. It was in one of his intervals of repose, when, looking round with great caution, and reaching uneasily cut of his nest of pillows, he endeavored, with a strange air of secrecy and distrust, to make use of the writing materials which he had ordered to be placed on a table beside him, that the young lady and the mistress of the Blue Dragon, found themselves sitting side by side before the fire in the sick chamber. This mistress of the Blue Dragon was in outward appear- ance just what a landlady should be ; broad, buxom, com- fortable, and good-looking, with a face of clear red and white, which, by its jovial aspect, at once bore testimony to her hearty participation in the good things of the larder and cellar, and to their thriving and healthful influences. She was a widow, but years ago had passed through her state of weeds, and burst into flower again ; and in full bloom she had continued ever since ; and in full bloom she was now ; with roses on her ample skirts, and roses on her bodice, roses in her cap, roses in her cheeks — ay, and roses worth the gathering too, on her lips, for that matter. She had still a bright black eye, and jet black hair ; was comely, 36 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. dimpled, plump, and tight as a gooseberry ; and though she was not exactly what the world calls young, you may make an affidavit, on trust, before any mayor or magistrate in Christendom, that there are a great many young ladies in the world (blessings on them, one and all !) whom you wouldn't like half as well, or admire half as much, as the beaming hostess of the Blue Dragon. As this fair matron sat beside the fire, she glanced occa- sionally, with all the pride of ownership, about the room ; which was a large apartment, such as one may see in country places, with a low roof and a sunken flooring, all down-hill from the door, and a descent of two steps on the inside so exquisitely unexpected, that strangers, despite the most elab- orate cautioning, usually dived in head-first, as into a plung- ing bath. It was none of your frivolous and preposterously bright bed-rooms, where nobody can close an eye with any kind of propriety or decent regard to the association of ideas ; but it was a good, dull, leaden, drowsy place, where every article of furniture reminded you that you came there to sleep, and that you were expected to go to sleep. There w^as no wakeful reflection of the fire there, as in your mod- ern chambers, which upon the darkest nights have a watch- ful consciousness of French polish ; the old Spanish mahog- any winked at it now and then, as a dozing cat or dog might, nothing more. The very size and shape, and hopeless immovability, of the bedstead, and wardrobe, and in a minor degree of even the chairs and tables, provoked sleep ; they were plainly apoplectic and disposed to snore. There were no staring portraits to remonstrate with you for being lazy ; no round-eyed birds upon the curtains, disgustingly wide awake, and insufferably prying. The thick neutral hang- ings, and the dark blinds, and the heavy heap of bed-clothes, were all designed to hold in sleep, and act as non-conduct- ors to the day and getting up. Even the old stuffed fox upon the top of the wardrobe was devoid of any spark of vigilance, for his glass eye had fallen out, and he slumbered as he stood. The wandering attention of the mistress of the Blue Drag- on roved to these things but twice or thrice, and then for but an instant at a time. It soon deserted them, and even the distant bed with its strange burden, for the young creat- ure immediately before her, who, with her downcast eyes intently fixed upon the fire, sat wrapped in silent meditation. §he was very young, apparently no more than seventeen j MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 37 timid and shrinking in her manner, and yet with a greater share of self-possession and control over her emotions than usually belongs to a far more advanced period of female life. This she had abundantly shown, but now, in her tending of the sick gentleman. She was short in stature ; and her figure was slight, as became her years ; but all the charms of youth and maidenhood set it off, and clustered on her gentle brow. Her face was very pale, in part no doubt from recent agita- tion. Her dark brown hair, disordered from the same cause, had fallen negligently from its bonds, and hung upon her neck ; for which instance of its waywardness, no male observer would have had the heart to blame it. Her attire was that of a lady, but extremely plain ; and in her manner, even when she sat as still as she did then, there was an indefinable something which appeared to be in kin- dred with her scrupulously unpretending dress. She had sat, at first looking anxiously toward the bed ; but seeing that the patient remained quiet, and was busy with his writing, she had softly moved her chair into its present place ; partly, as it seemed, from an instinctive consciousness that he desired to avoid observation ; and partly that she might, unseen by him, give some vent to the natural feelings she had hitherto suppressed. Of all this, and much more, the rosy landlady of the Blue Dragon took as accurate note and observation as only woman can take of woman. And at length she said, in a voice too low, she knew, to reach the bed : *' You have seen the gentleman in this way before, miss ? Is he used to these attacks ? " " I have seen him very ill before, but not so ill as he has been to-night." '* What a providence ! " said the landlady of the Dragon, " that you had the prescriptions and the medicines with you, miss ? " " They are intended for such an emergency. We never travel without them." " Oh ! " thought the hostess, " then we are in the habit of traveling, and of traveling together." She was so conscious of expressing this in her face, that meeting the young lady's eyes immediately afterward, and being a very honest hostess, she was rather confused. " The gentleman — your grandpapa " — she resumed, after a short pause, '* being so bent on having no assistance, must terrify you very much, miss ? " 38 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " I have been very much alarmed to-night. He — he is not my grandfather." '* Father, I should have said," returned the hostess, sensi- ble of having made an awkward mistake. " Nor my father," said the young lady. *' Nor," she added, slightly smiling with a quick perception of what the landlady was going to add, " Nor my uncle. We are not related." " Oh dear me ! " returned the landlady, still more embar- rassed than before ; *' how could I be so very much mis- taken ; knowing, as any body in their proper senses might, that when a gentleman is ill he looks so much older than he really is ? That I should have called you ' miss,' too, ma'am ! " But when she had proceeded thus far, she glanced involuntarily at the third finger of the young lady's left hand, and faltered again ; for there was no ring upon it. '' When I told you we were not related," said the other mildly, but not without confusion on her own part, ** I meant not in any way. Not even by marriage. Did you call me, Martin ? " • " Call you ?" cried the old man, looking quickly up, and hurriedly drawing beneath the coverlet the paper on which he had been writing. *' No." She had moved a pace or two toward the bed, but stopped immediately, and went no further. "No," he repeated, with a petulant emphasis. *' Why do you ask me ? If I had called you, what need for such a question ?" " It was the creaking of the sign outside, sir, I dare say," observed the landlady ; a suggestion, by the way (as she felt a moment after she had made it), not at all complimentary to the voice of the old gentleman. "No matter what, ma'am," he rejoined; "it wasn't I. Why how you stand there, Mary, as if I had the plague ! But they're all afraid of me,'-' he added, leaning helplessly back- ward on his pillow ; " even she ! There is a curse upon me. What else have I to look for ? " "Oh dear, no. Oh no, I'm sure," said the good-tempered landlady, rising, and going toward him. " Be of better cheer, sir. These are only sick fancies." " What are only sick fancies ? " he retorted. " What do you know about fancies ? Who told j^.v about fancies ? The old story ! Fancies ! " '" Oniv see again there, liow you take one up ! " said the MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 39 mistress of the Blue Dragon, with unimpaired good humor. " Dear heart alive, there is no harm in the word, sir, if it is an old one. Folks in good health have their fancies too, and strange ones, every day." Harmless as this speech appeared to be, it acted on the traveler's distrust, like oil on fire. He raised his head up in the bed, and, fixing on her two dark eyes whose bright- ness was exaggerated by the paleness of his hollow cheeks, as they in turn, together with his straggling locks of long gray hair, were rendered whiter by the tight black velvet skull-cap which he wore, he searched her face intently. " Ah ! you begin too soon," he said, in so low a voice that he seemed to be thinking it, rather than addressing her. *' But you lose no time. You do your errand, and you earn your fee. Now, who may he yoi/r client ? " The landlady looked in great astonishment at her whom he called Mary, and finding no rejoinder in the drooping face, looked back again at him. At first she had recoiled involuntarily, supposing him disordered in his mind ; but the slow composure of his manner, and the settled purpose announced in his strong features, and gathering, most of all, about his puckered mouth, forbade the supposition. " Come," he said, *' tell me who is it ? Being here, it is not very hard for me to guess, you may suppose." " Martin," interposed the young lady, laying her hand upon his arm ; " reflect how short a time we have been in this house, and that even your name is unknown here." " Unless," he said, '' you — " He was evidently tempted to express a suspicion of her having broken his confidence in favor of the landlady, but either remembering her tender nursing, or being moved in some sort, by her face, he checked himself, and changing his uneasy posture in the bed, was silent. " There ! " said Mrs. Lupin ; for in that name the Blue Dragon was licensed to furnish entertainment, both to man and beast. " Now, you will be well again, sir. You for- got, for the moment, that there were none but friends here." " Oh ! " cried the old man, moaning impatiently, as he tossed one restless arm upon the coverlet ; " why do you talk to me of friends ! Can you or any body teach me to know who are my friends, and who my enemies ?" " At least," urged Mrs. Lupin, gently, " this young lady is your friend, I am sure." ** She has no temptation to be otherwise," cried the old fo MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. man, like one whose hope and confidence were utterly exhausted. *' I suppose she is. Heaven knows. There ; let me try to sleep. Leave the candle where it is." As they retired from the bed, he drew forth the writing which had occupied him so long, and holding it in the flame of the taper burned it to ashes. That done, he extinguished the light, and turning his face away with a heavy sigh, drew the coverlet about his head, and lay quite still. This destruction of the paper, both as being strangely inconsistent with the labor he had devoted to it and as involving considerable danger of fire to the Dragon, occa- sioned Mrs. Lupin not a little consternation. But the young lady evincing no surprise, curiosity, or alarm, whispered her, with many thanks for her solicitude and company, that she would remain there some time longer ; and that she begged her not to share her watch, as she was well used to being alone, and would pass the time in reading. Mrs. Lupin had her full share and dividend of that large capital of curiosity which is inherited by her sex, and at another time it might have been difficult so to impress this hint upon her a: to induce her to take it. But now, in sheer wonder and amazement at these mysteries, she with- drew at once, and repairing straightway to her own little parlor below-stairs, sat down in her easy-chair with unnatural composure. At this very crisis, a step was heard in the entry, and Mr. Pecksniff, looking sweetly over the half-door of the bar, and into the vista of snug privacy beyond, mur- mured : " Good evening ]\Irs. Lupin ! " " Oh dear me, sir ! " she cried advancing to receive him, " I am so very glad you have come." " And / am very glad I have come," said Mr. Pecksniff, " if I can be of service. I am very glad I have come. \Miat is the matter, Mrs. Lupin ? " "A gentleman taken ill upon the road has been so very bad up-stairs, sir," said the tearful hostess. *' A gentleman taken ill upon the road has been so very bad up-stairs, has he ? " repeated Mr. Pecksniff. *' Well, well! " Now there was nothing that one may call decidedly original in this remark, nor can it be exactly said to have contained any wise precept theretofore unknown to mankind, or to have opened any hidden source of consolation ; but Mr. Pecksniff's manner was so bland, and he nodded his head so soothingly, and showed in every thing such an affable sense of his own MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 41 excellence, that anybody would have been, as Mrs. Lupin was, comforted by the mere voice and presence of such a man ; and, though he had merely said '* a verb must agree with its nominative case in number and person, my good friend," or " eight times eight are sixty-four, my worthy soul," must have felt deeply grateful to him for his humanity and wis- dom. '* And how," asked Mr. Pecksniff, drawing off his gloves and warming his hands before the fire, as benevolently as if they were somebody else's, not his ; " and how is he now ?" " He is better, and quite tranquil," answered Mrs. Lupin. ** He is better, and quite tranquil," said Mr. Pecksniff. " Very well ! ve-ry well ! " Here again, though the statement was Mrs. Lupin's and not Mr. Pecksniff's, Mr. Pecksniff made it his own and con- soled her with it. It was not much when Mrs. Lupin said it, but it was a whole book when Mr. Pecksniff said it. "/ observe," he seemed to say, "and through me, morality in general remarks, that he is better and quite tranquil." " There must be weighty matters on his mind though," said the hostess, shaking her head, " for he talks, sir, in the strangest way you ever heard. He is far from easy in his thoughts, and wants some proper advice from those whose goodness makes it worth his having." "Then," said Mr. Pecksniff, "he is the sort of customer for me." But though he said this in the plainest language, he didn't speak a word. He only shook his head ; disparag- ingly of himself too. " I am afraid, sir," continued the landlady, first looking round to assure herself that there was nobody within hearing, and then looking down upon the floor. " I am very much afraid, sir, that his conscience is troubled by his not being related to — or — or even married to — a very young lady — " " Mrs. Lupin ! " said Mr. Pecksniff, holding up his hand with something in his manner as nearly approaching to severity, as any expression of his, mild being' that he was, could ever do. " Person ! Young person ?" " A very young person," said Mrs. Lupiu, courtesying and blushing ; " — I beg your pardon, sir, but I have been so hurried to-night, that I don't know what I say — who is with him now." " Who is with him now," ruminated Mr. Pecksniff, warm- ing his back (as he had warmed his hands) as if it were a widow's back, or an orphan's back, or an enemy's back, or a 42 MARTIN CnUZZLEWIT. back that any less excellent man would have suffered to be cold. " Oh dear me, dear me! " '' At the same time I am bound to say. and I do say with all my heart," observed the hostess, earnestly, " that her looks and manner almost disarm suspicion." " Your suspicion, Mrs. Lupin," said Mr. Pecksniff gravely, " is very natural." Touching which remark, let it be written down to their confusion, that the enemies of this worthy man unblushingly maintained that he always said ci what was very bad, that it was very natural; and that he unconsciously betrayed his own nature in doing so. *' Your suspicion, Mrs. Lupin," he repeated, " is very natural, and I have no doubt correct. I will wait upon these travelers." With that he took off his great-coat, and having run his fingers though his hair, thrust one hand gently in the bosom of his waistcoat and meekly signed to her to lead the way. " Shall I knock ? " asked Mrs. Lupin, when they reached the chamber door. " No," said Mr. Pecksniff, " enter if you please." They went in on tiptoe ; or rather the hostess took that precaution, for Mr. Pecksniff always walked softly. The old gentleman was still asleep, and his young companion still sat reading by the fire. " I am afraid," said Mr. Pecksniff, pausing at the door, and giving his head a melancholy roll, " I am afraid that this looks artful. I am afraid, Mrs. Lupin, do you know, that this looks very artful ! " As he finished this whisper, he advanced, before the host- ess ; and at the same time the young lady, hearing footsteps, rose. Mr. Pecksniff glanced at the volume she held, and whispered Mrs. Lupin again ; if possible, with increased despondency. " Yes, ma'am," he said, " it is a good book. I was fearful of that beforehand. I am apprehensive that this is a very deep thing indeed ! " " What gentleman is this ? " inquired the object of his virtuous doubts. *' Hush I don't trouble yourself, ma'am," said Mr. Peck- sniff, as the landlady was about to answer. " This young " — in spite of himself he hesitated when "person " rose to his lips, and substituted another word: "this young stranger, MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 43 Mrs. Lupin, will excuse me for replying briefly, that I reside in this village; it may be in an influential manner, however undeserved; and that I have been summoned here, by you. I am here, as I am everywhere, I hope, in sympathy for the sick and sorry." With these impressive words, Mr. Pecksniff passed over to the bedside, where, after patting the counterpane once or twice in a very solemn manner, as if by that means he gained a clear insight into the patient's disorder, he took a seat in a large arm-chair, and in an attitude of some thoughtfulness and much comfort, waited for his waking. Whatever objec- tion the young lady urged to ]Mrs. Lupin went no further, for nothing more was said to Mr. Pecksniff, and Mr. Peck- sniff said nothing more to any body else. Full half an hour elapsed before the old man stirred, but at length he turned himself in bed, and, though not yet awake, gave tokens that his sleep was drawing to an end. By little and little he removed the bed-clothes from about his head, and turned still more toward the side where Mr. Pecksniff sat. In course of time his eyes opened; and he lay for a few moments as people newly roused sometimes will, gazing indolently at his visitor, without any distinct consciousness of his presence. There was nothing remarkable in these proceedings, except the influence they worked on Mr. Pecksniff, which could hardly have been surpassed by the most marvelous of natural phenomena. Gradually his hands became tightly clasped upon the elbows of his chair, his eyes dilated with surprise, his mouth opened, his hair stood more erect upon his forehead than its custom was, until, at length, when the old mxan rose in bed, and stared at him with scarcely less emotion than he showed himself, the Pecksniff doubts were all resolved, and he exclaimed aloud: *' You aj-e Martin Chuzzlewit! " His consternation of surprise was so genuine that the old man, with all the disposition that he clearly entertained to believe it assumed, was convinced of its reality. " I am Martin Chuzzlewit," he said; "and Martin Chuz- zlewit wishes you had been hanged before you had come here to disturb him in his sleep. Why, I dreamed of this fellow!" he said, lying down again, and turning away his face, '* before that I knew he was near me!" " My good cousin — " said Mr. Pecksniff. " There! His very first words! " cried the old man, shak- 44 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. ing his gray head to and fro upon the pillow, and throwing up his hands. " In his very first words he asserts his rela- tionship! I knew he would; they all do it! Near or distant, blood or water, it's all one. Ugh! What a calendar of deceit, and lying, and false-witnessing, the sound of any word of kindred opens before me! " " Pray do not be hasty, Mr. Chuzzlewit," said Pecksniff, in a tone that was at once in the sublimest degree compas- sionate and dispassionate; for he had by this time recovered from his surprise, and was in full possession of his virtuous self. " You will regret being hasty, I know you will." " Vou know! " said Martin, contemptuously, "Yes," retorted Mr. Pecksniff. ''Ay, ay, Mr. Chuzzlewit; and don't imagine that I mean to court or flatter you, for nothing is further from my intention. Neither, sir, need you entertain the least misgiving that I shall repeat that obnoxious word which has given you so much offense already. Why should I ? What do I expect or want from you ? There is nothing in your possession that / know of, Mr. Chuzzlewit, which is much to be coveted for the happiness it brings you." *' That's true enough," muttered the old man. " Apart from that consideration," said Mr. Pecksniff, watchful of the effect he made, " it must be plain to you (I am sure) by this time, that if I had wished to insinuate myself into your good opinion, I should have been, of all things, careful not to address you as a relative, knowing your humor, and being quite certain beforehand that I could not have a worse letter of recommendation." Martin made not any verbal answer; but he as clearly implied, though only by a motion of his legs beneath the bedclothes, that there was reason m this, and that he could not dispute it, as if he had said as much in good set terms. " No," said Mr. Pecksniff, keeping his hand in his waist- coat as though he were ready, on the shortest notice, to produce his heart for Martin Chuzzlewit's inspection, " I came here to offer my services to a stranger. I make no offer of them to you, because I know you would distrust me if I did. But lying on that bed, sir, I regard you as a stranger, and I have just that amount of interest in you which I hope I should feel in any stranger, circumstanced as you are. Beyond that, I am quite as indifferent to you, Mr. Chuzzlewit, as you are to me." MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 45 Having said which, Mr. Pecksniff threw himself back in the easy-chair ; so radiant with ingenuous honesty, that Mrs. Lupin almost wondered not to see a stained-glass glory, such as the saint wore in the church, shining about his head. A long pause succeeded. The old man, with increased restlessness, changed his posture several times. Mrs. Lupin and the young lady gazed in silence at the counter- pane. Mr. Pecksniff toyed abstractedly with his eye- glass, and kept his eyes shut, that he might ruminate the better. ** Eh ?" he said at last, opening them suddenly, and looking toward the bed. " I beg your pardon. I thought you spoke. Mrs. Lupin," he continued, slowly rising, *' I am not aware that I can be of any service to you here. The gentle- man is better, and you are as good a nurse as he can have. Eh?" This last note of interrogation bore reference to another change of posture on the old man's part, which brought his face toward Mr. Pecksniff for the first time since he had turned away from him. " If you desire to speak to me before I go, sir," continued that gentleman, after another pause, " you may command my leisure-^ but I must stipulate, in justice to myself, that that you do so as to a stranger ; strictly as to a stranger." Now if Mr. Pecksniff knew, from any thing Martin Chuz- zlewit had expressed in gestures, that he wanted to speak to him, he could only have found it out on some such principle as prevails in melodramas, and in virtue of which the elderly farmer with the comic son always knows what the dumb-girl means when she takes refuge in his garden, and relates her personal memoirs in incomprehensible pantomime. But without stopping to make any inquiry on this point, Martin Chuzzlewit signed to his young companion to withdraw, which she immediately did, along with the landlady, leaving him and Mr. Pecksniff alone together. For some time they looked at each other in silence ; or rather the old man looked at Mr. Pecksniff, and Mr. Pecksniff, again closing his eyes on all outward objects, took an inward survey of his own breast. That it amply repaid him for his trouble, and afforded a delicious and enchanting prospect, was clear from the expression of his face. " You wish me to speak to you as to a total stranger," said the old man, '* do you ? " 46 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Mr. Pecksniff replied, by a shrug of his shoulders and an apparent turning-round of his eyes in their sockets before he opened them, that he was still reduced to the necessity of entertaining that desire. " You shall be gratified," said Martin. " Sir, I am a rich man. Not so rich as some suppose, perhaps, but yet wealthy. I am not a miser, sir, though even that charge is made against me, as I hear, and currently believed. I have no pleasure in hoarding. I have no pleasure in the posses- sion of money. The devil that we call by that name can give me nothing but unhappiness." It would be no description of Mr, Pecksniff's gentleness of manner to adopt the common parlance, and say, that he looked at this moment as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. He rather looked as if any quantity of butter might have been made out of him, by churning the milk of human kindness, as it spouted upward from his heart. " For the same reason that I am not a hoarder of money," said the old man, " I am not lavish of it. Some people find their gratification in storing it up ; and others theirs in part- ting with it ; but I have no gratification connected with the thing. Pain and bitterness are the only goods it ever could procure for me. I hate it. It is a specter walking before me through the world, and making every social pleas- ure hideous." A thought arose in Mr. Pecksniff's mind, which must have instantly mounted to his face, or Martin Chuzzlewit could not have resumed as quickly and as sternly as he did : *' You would advise me for my peace of mind, to get rid of this source of misery, and traJisfer it to some one who could bear it better. Even you, perhaps, would rid me of a burden under which I suffer so grievously. But, kind stranger," said the old man, whose every feature darkened as he spoke, "good Christian stranger, that is a main part of my trouble. In other hands I have known money do good; in other hands I have known it triumphed in, and boasted of with reason, as the master-key to all the brazen gates that close upon the paths to worldly honor, fortune, and enjoyment. To what man or woman ; to what worthy, honest, incorruptible creature ; shall I confide such a talis- man, either now or when I die ? Do you know any such person } Your virtues are of course inestimable, but can you tell me of any other living creature who will bear the test of contact with myself ? " MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 47 "Of contact with yourself, sir?" echoed Mr, Peck- sniff. *' Ay," returned the old man, *' the test of contact with me — with me. You have heard of him whose misery (the gratifi- cation of his own foolish wish) was, that he turned every thing he touched into gold. The curse of my existence, and the realization of my own mad desire, is that by the golden standard which I bear above me, I am doomed to try the mettle of all other men, and find it false and hollow." Mr. Pecksniff shook his head, and said, " You think so." " Oh yes," cried the old man, '' I think so ! and in your tell- ing me, ' I think so,' I recognize the true unworldly ring of your metal. I tell you, man," he added, with increasing bitter- ness, " that I have gone, a rich man, among people of all grades and kinds ; relatives, friends, and strangers ; among people in whom, when I was poor, I had confidence, and justly, for they never once deceived me then, or, to me, wronged each other. But I have never found one nature, no, not one, in which, being wealthy and alone, I was not forced to detect the latent corruption that lay hid within it, waiting for such as I to bring it forth. Treachery, deceit, and low design ; hatred of competitors, real or fancied, for my favor; meanness, falsehood, baseness, and servility ; or," and here he looked closely in his cousin's eyes, " or an assumption of honest independence, almost worse than all ; these are the beauties which my wealth has brought to light. Brother against brother, child against parent, friends treading on the faces of friends, this is the social company by whom my way has been attended. There are stories told — they may be true or false — of rich men, who, in the garb of poverty, have found out virtue and rewarded it. They were dolts and idiots for their pains. They should have made the search in their own characters. They should have shown themselves fit objects to be robbed and preyed upon and plotted against and adulated by any knaves, who, but for joy, would have spat upon their cof^ns when they died their dupes ; and then their search would have ended as mine has done, and they would be what I am." Mr. Pecksniff, not at all knowing what it might be best to say in the momentary pause which ensued upon these remarks, made an elaborate demonstration of intending to deliver something very oracular indeed ; trusting to the certainty of the old man interrupting him, before he should utter a word. Nor was he mistaken, for Martin Chuz-^lewit, having taken breath, went on to say : 48 * MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. *' Hear me to an end ; judge what profit you are like to gain from any repetition of this visit ; and leave me. I have so corrupted and changed the nature of all those who have ever attended on me, by breeding avaricious plots and hopes within them ; I have engendered such domestic strife and discord, by tarrying even with members of my own family ; I have been such a lighted torch in peaceful homes, kindling up all the inflammable gases and vapors in their moral atmosphere, which, but for me, might have proved harmless to the end ; that I have, I may say, fled from all who knew me, and taking refuge in secret places, have lived, of late, the life of one who is hunted. The young girl whom you just now saw — what ! your eye lightens when I talk of her ! You hate her already, do you ? " " Upon my word, sir ! " said Mr. Pecksniff, laying his hand upon his breast and dropping his eyelids. '* I forgot," cried the old man, looking at him with a keen- ness which the other seemed to feel, although he did not raise his eyes so as to see it ; "I ask your pardon. I forgot you were a stranger. For the moment you reminded me of one Pecksniff, a cousin of mine. As I was saying — the young girl whom you just now saw, is an orphan child, whom, with one steady purpose, I have bred and educated, or, if you prefer the word, adopted. For a year or more she has been my constant companion, and she is my only one. I have taken, as she knows, a solemn oath never to leave her sixpence when I die, but while I live, I make her an annual allowance ; not extravagant in its amount and yet not stinted. There is a compact between us that no term of affectionate cajolery shall ever be addressed by either to the other, but that she shall call me always by my Christian name ; I her, by hers. She is bound to me in life by ties of interest, and losing by my death, and having no expectation disappointed, will mourn it, perhaps ; though for that I care little. This is the only kind of friend I have or will have. Judge from such premises what a profitable hour you have spent in coming here, and leave me ; to return no more." With these words, the old man fell slowly back upon his pillow. Mr. Pecksniff as slowly rose, and, with a prefatory hem, began as follows : " Mr. Chuzzlewit." " There. Go ! " interposed the other. " Enough of this. I am weary of you." *' lam sorry for that, sir," rejoined Mr. Pecksniff, " because MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 49 I have a duty to discharge, from which, depend upon it, I shall not shrink. No, sir, I shall not shrink." It is a lamentable fact, that as Mr. Pecksniff stood erect beside the bed, in all the dignity of goodness, and addressed him thus, the old man cast an angry glance toward the candlestick, as if he were possessed by a strong inclination to launch it at his cousin's head. But he constrained him- self, and pointing with his finger to the door, informed him that his road lay there. " Thank you," said Mr. Pecksniff, " I am aware of that ; I am going. But before I go, I crave your leave to speak, and more than that, Mr. Chuzzlewit, I must and will — yes indeed, I repeat it, must and will — be heard. I am not surprised, sir, at any thing you have told me to-night. It is natural, very natural, and the greater part of it was known to me before. I will not say," continued Mr. Pecksniff, drawing out his pocket-handkerchief, and winking with both eyes at once, as it were, against his will, " I will not say that you are mistaken in me. While you are in your present mood I would not say so for the world, I alm.ost wish, indeed, that I had a different nature, that I might repress even this slight confession of weakness; which I can not disguise from you; which I feel is humiliating; but which you will have the goodness to excuse. We will say, if you please," added Mr. Pecksniff, with great tenderness of manner, " that it arises from a cold in the head, or is attributable to snuff, or smell- ing-salts, or onions, or any thing but the real cause." Here he paused for an instant, and concealed his face behind his pocket-handkerchief. Then, smiling faintly, and holding the bed-furniture with one hand, he resumed : ** But, Mr. Chuzzlewit, while I am forgetful of myself, I owe it to myself, and to my character — ay, sir, and I have a character which is very dear to me, and will be the best inheritance of my two daughters — to tell you, on behalf of another, that your conduct is wrong, unnatural, indefensible, monstrous. And I tell you, sir," said Mr. Pecksniff, tower- ing on tiptoe among the curtains, as if he were literally ris- ing above all worldly considerations, and were fain to hold on tight, to keep himself from darting skyward like a rocket, " I tell you without fear or favor, that it will not do for you to be unmindful of your grandson, young Martin, who has the strongest natural claim upon you. It will not do, sir," repeated Mr. Pecksniff, shaking his head. ''You may think it will do, but it won't. Yuu must provide for that young 50 MARTIN CHUZZLEVVTT. man, you shall provide for him; you will provide for him. I believe," said Mr. Pecksniff, glancing at the pen and ink, " that in secret you have already done so. Bless you for doing so. Bless you for doing right, sir. Bless you for hating me. And good-night ! " So saying, Mr. Pecksniff waved his right hand with much solemnity ; and once more inserting it in his waistcoat, departed. There was emotion in his manner, but his step was firm. Subject to human weaknesses, he was upheld by conscience. Martin lay for some time, with an expression on his face of silent wonder, not unmixed with rage; at length he mut- tered in a whisper : " What does this mean ? Can the false-hearted boy have chosen such a tool as yonder fellow who has just gone out ? Why not ! He has conspired against me, like the rest, and they are but birds of one feather. A new plot ; a new plot ! Oh self, self, self ! At every turn nothing but self ! " He fell to trifling, as he ceased to speak, with the ashes of the burned paper in the candlestick. He did so, at first, in pure abstraction, but they presently became the subject of his thoughts. " Another will made and destroyed," he said, " nothing determined on, nothing done, and I might have died to- night ! I plainly see to what foul uses all this money will be put at last," he cried, almost writhing in the bed; " after filling me with cares and miseries all my life, it will perpetuate discord and bad passions when I am dead. So it always is. What lawsuits grow out of the graves of rich men, every day; sowing perjury, hatred, and lies among near kindred, where there should be nothing but love! Heaven help us, we have much to answer for! Oh self, self^ self! Every man for himself, and no creature for me! " Universal self! Was there nothing of its shadow in these reflections, and in the history of Martin Chuzzlewit, on his own showing? MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 51 CHAPTER IV. FROM WHICH IT WILL APPEAR THAT IF UNION BE STRENGTH, AND FAMILY AFFECTION BE PLEASANT TO CONTEMPLATE, THE CHUZZLEWITS WERE THE STRONGEST AND MOST AGREEABLE FAMILY IN THE WORLD. That worthy man, Mr. Pecksniff, having taken leave of his cousin in the solemn terms recited in the last chapter, with- drew to his own home, and remained there, three whole days; not so much as going out for a walk beyond the boundaries of his own garden, lest he should be hastily summoned to the bedside of his penitent and remorseful relative, whom, in his ample benevolence, he had made up his mind to forgive unconditionally, and to love on ^y terms. But, such was the obstinacy and such the bitter nature of that stern old man, that no repentant summons came ; and the fourth day found Mr. Pecksniff apparently much further from his Chris- tian object than the first. During the whole of this interval, he haunted the Dragon at all times and seasons in the day and night, and returning good for evil, evinced the deepest solicitude in the progress of the obdurate invalid ; insomuch that Mrs. Lupin was fairly melted by his disinterested anxiety (for he often par- ticularly required her to take notice that he would do the same by any stranger or pauper in the like condition), and shed many tears of admiration and delight. Meantime, old Martin Chuzzlewit remained shut up in his own chamber, and saw no person but his young companion, saving the hostess of the Blue Dragon, who was, at certain times, admitted to his presence. So surely as she came into the room, however, Martin feigned to fall asleep. It was only when he and the young lady were alone, that he would utter a word, even in answe'i* to the simplest inquiry ; though Mr. Pecksniff could make out, by hard listening at the door, that they two being left together, he was talkative enough. It happened on the fourth evening, that Mr. Pecksniff walking, as usual, into the bar of the Dragon and finding no Mrs. Lupin there, went straight up-stairs ; purposing, in the fervor of his affectionate zeal, to apply his ear once more to the keyhole, and quiet his mind by assuring himself that the hard-hearted patient was going on well. It happened that 52 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Mr. Pecksniff, coming softly upon the dark passage into which a spiral ray of light usually darted through the same keyhole, was astonished to find no such ray visible; and it happened that Mr Pecksniff, when he had felt his way to the chamber door, stooping hurriedly down to ascertain by personal inspection whether the jealousy of the old man had caused this keyhole to be stopped on the inside, brought his head into such violent contact with another head, that he could not help uttering in an audible voice the monosyllable '* Oh ! " which was, as it were, sharply unscrewed and jerked out of him by very anguish. It happened then, and lastly, that Mr. Pecksniff found himself immediately collared by something which smelt like several damp unbrellas, a bar- rel of beer, a cask of warm brandy and water, and a small parlor-full of stale tobacco smoke, mixed; and was straight- way led down stairs into the bar from which he had lately come, where he found himself standing opposite to, and in the grasp of a perfectly strange gentleman of still stranger appearance, who, with his disengaged hand, rubbed his own head very hard, and looked at him, Pecksniff, with an evil countenance. The gentleman was of that order of appearance, which is currently termed shabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly be said to have been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long way out of his gloves, and the soles of his feet were at an inconvenient distance from the upper leather of his boots. His nether garments were of a bluish gray — violent in its colors once, but sobered now by age and dinginess — and were so stretched and strained in a tough conflict between his braces and his straps, that they appeared every moment in danger of flying asunder at the knees. His coat, in color blue and of a military cut, was buttoned and frogged, up to his chin. His cravat was, in hue and pattern, like one of those mantles which hair-dressers are accustomed to wrap about their clients, during the progress of the professional mysteries. His hat had arrived at such a pass that it would have been hard to determine whether it was originally white or black. But he wore a mustache — a shaggy mustache too; nothing in the meek and merciful way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style; the regular Satanic sort of thing — and he wore, besides, a vast quantity of unbrushed hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and very mean; very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who might have been something better. 1 MARTIN CHUZZLEVVIT. 53 and unspeakably like a man who deserved to be something worse You were eaves-dropping at the door, you vagabond ! " said this gentleman. Mr. Pecksniff cast him "off, as Saint George might have repudiated the dragon i!i that animal's last moments and said: " Where is Mrs. Lupin, I wonder ! can the good woman possibly be aware that there is a person here who — " *' Stay ! " said the gentleman. " Wait a bit. She does know. What then ? " " What then, sir ? " cried Mr. Pecksniff. '' What then ? Do you know, sir, that I am the friend and relative of that sick gentleman ? That I am his protector, his guardian, his—" " Not his niece's husband," interposed the stranger, " I'll be sworn ; for he was there before you." " What do you mean ? " said Mr. Pecksniff, with indignant surprise. *' Vv'hat do you tell me, sir ? " " Wait a bit! " cried the other. " Perhaps you are a cous- in— the cousin who lives in this place ? " " I am the cousin who lives in this place," replied the man of worth. *' Your name is Pecksniff ? " said the gentleman. "It is." *' 1 am proud to know you, and I ask your pardon," said the man, touching his hat, and subsequently diving behind his cravat for a shirt-collar, which however he did not suc- ceed in bringing to the surface. " You behold in me, sir, one who has also an interest in that gentleman up-stairs. Wait a bit." As he said this, he touched the tip of his high nose, by way of intimation that he would let Mr. Pecksniff into a secret presently ; and pulling off his hat, began to search inside the crown among a mass of crumpled documents and small pieces of what may be called the bark of broken cigars, whence he presently selected the cover of an old letter, begrimed with dirt and redolent of tobacco. " Read that," he cried, giving it to Mr. Pecksniff. " This is addressed to Chevy Slyme, Esquire," said that gentleman. " You know Chevy Slyme, Esquire, I believe ? " returned the stranger. Mr. Pecksniff shrugged his shoulders as though he would say, "I know there is such a person, and am sorry for it." 54 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " Very good," remarked the gentleman. " That is my business here." With that he made another dive for. his shirt collar, and brought up a string. " Now this is very distressing, my friend," said Mr. Peck- sniff, shaking his head and smiling composedly. ** It is very distressing to me, to be compelled to say that you are rot the person you claim to be. I know Mr. Slyme, my friend ; this will not do ; honesty is the best policy ; you had better not ; you had indeed." ** Stop ! " cried the gentleman, stretching forth his right arm, which was so tightly wedged into his threadbare sleeve that it looked like a cloth sausage. *' Wait a bit I " He paused to establish himself immediately in front of the fire, with his back toward it. Then gathering the skirts of his coat under his left arm, and smoothing his mustache with his right thumb and forefinger,' he resumed : " I understand your mistake, and I am not offended. Why? Because it's complimentary. You suppose I would set myself up for Chevy Slyme. Sir, if there is a man on earth whom a gentleman would feel proud and honored to be mistaken for, that man is my friend Slyme. For he is, without an exception, the highest-minded, the most inde- pendent-spirited, most original, spiritual, classical, talented, the most thoroughly Shakespearian, if not Miltonic, and at the same time the most disgustingly-unappreciated dog 1 know. But, sir, I have not the vanity to attempt to pass for Slyme. Any other man in the wide world, I am equal to ; but Slyme is, I frankly confess, a great many cuts above me. Therefore you are wrong." " I judged from this," said Mr. Pecksniff, holding out the cover of the letter. *' No doubt you did," returned the gentleman. "But, Mr. Pecksniff, the whole thing resolves itself into an instance of the peculiarities of genius. Every man ot true genius has his peculiarity. Sir, the peculiarity of my friend Slyme is, that he is always waiting around the corner. He is perpetu- ally around the corner, sir. He is around the corner at this instant. Now," said the gentleman, shaking his forefinger before his nose, and planting his legs wider apart as he looked attentively in Mr. Pecksniffs face, " that is a remarkably curious and interesting trait in Mr. Slyme's character ; and whenever Slyme's life comes to be written, that trait must be thoroughly worked out by his biographer, or society will not be satisfied. Observe me, society will not be satisfied ! " MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 55 Mr. Pecksniff coughed. ** Slyme's biographer, sir, whoever he may be," resumed the gentleman, " must apply to me ; or, if I am gone to that what's-his-name from which no thingumbob comes back he must apply to my executors for leave to search among my papers. I have taken a few notes in my poor way, of some of that man's proceedings — my adopted brother, sir, — which would amaze you. He made use of an expression, sir, only on the fifteenth of last month when he couldn't meet a little bill and the other party wouldn't renew, which would have done honor to Napoleon Bonaparte in addressing the French army." " And pray," asked Mr. Pecksniff, obviously not quite at his ease, " what may be Mr. Slyme's business here, if 1 may be permitted to inquire, who am compelled by a regard for my own character to disavow all interest in his proceed- mgs ? " In the first place," returned the gentleman, " you will permit me to say, that I object to that remark, and that I strongly and indignantly protest against it on behalf of my friend Slyme. In the next place, you will give me leave to introduce myself. My name, sir, is Tigg. The name of Montague Tigg will perhaps be familiar to you in connection with the most remarkable events of the Peninsular War ? " Mr. Pecksniff gently shook his head. " No matter," said the gentleman. " That man was my father and I bear his name. I am consequently proud — proud as Lucifer. Excuse me one moment. I desire my friend Slyme to be present at the remainder of this confer- ence." With this announcement he hurried awav to the outer door of the Blue Dragon, and almost immediately returned with a companion shorter than himself, who was wrapped in an old blue camlet cloak with a lining of faded scarlet. His sharp features being much pinched and nipped by long wait- ing in the cold, and his straggling red whiskers and frowzy hair being more than usually disheveled from the same cause, he certainly looked rather unwholesome and uncom- fortable than Shakespearian or Miltonic. " Now," said Mr. Tigg, clapping one hand on the shoul- der of his prepossessing friend, and calling Mr. Pecksniff's attention to him with the other, " you two are related ; and relations never did agree, and never will ; which is a wise dispensation and an inevitable thing, r^r there would be none 50 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. but family parties, and every body in the world would bore every body else to death. If you were on good terms I should consider you a most confoundedly unnatural pair ; but standing toward each other as you do, I look upon you as a couple of devilish deep-thoughted fellows, who may be reasoned with to any extent." Here Mr. Chevy Slyme, whose great abilities seemed one and all to point toward the sneaking quarter of the moral compass, nudged his friend steadily with his elbow, and whispered in his ear. " Chiv," said Mr. Tigg aloud, in the high tone of one who was not to be tampered with. " I shall come to that pres- ently. I act upon my own responsibility, or not at all. To the extent of such a trifling loan as a crownpiece to a man of your talents, I look upon Mr. Pecksniff as certain;" and seeing at this juncture that the expression of Mr. Pecksniff's face by no means betokened that he shared this certainty, Mr. Tigg laid his finger on his nose again for that gentleman's private and especial behoof ; calling upon him thereby to take notice, that the requisition of small loans was another instance of the peculiarities of genius as developed in his friend Slyme ; that he, Tigg, winked at the same because of the strong metaphysical interest which these weaknesses possessed ; and that in reference to his own personal advo- cacy of such small advances, he merely consulted the humor of his friend, without the least regard to his own advantage or necessities. " Oh, Chiv, Chiv ! " added Mr. Tigg, surveying his adopted brother with an air of profound contemplation after dismissing this piece of pantomime. "You are, upon my life, a strange instance of the little frailties that beset a mighty mind. If there had never been a telescope in the world, I should have been quite certain from my observation of you, Chiv, that there were spots on the sun ! I wish I may die if this isn't the queerest state of existence that we find ourselves forced into, without know- ing why or wherefore, Mr. Pecksniff ! Well, never mind ! Moralize as we will, the world goes on. As Hamlet says, Hercules may lay about him with his club in every possible direction, but he can't prevent the cats from making a most intolerable row on the roofs of houses, or the dogs from being shot in the hot weather if they nm about the streets unmuzzled. Life's a riddle; a most infernally hard riddle to guess, Mr. Pecksniff, My own opinion is. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 57 that like that celebrated conundrum, * Why's a man in jail like a man out of jail ? ' there's no answer to it. Upon my soul and body, it's the queerest sort of thing altogether — but there's no use in talking about it. Ha ! ha ! " With which consolatory deduction from the gloomy prem- ises recited, Mr. Tigg roused himself by a great effort, and proceeded in his former strain. " Now I'll tell you what it is. I'm a most confoundedly soft-hearted kind of fellow in my way, and I can not stand by, and see you two blades cutting each other's throats when there's nothing to be got by it. Mr. Pecksniff, you're the cousin of the testator up-stairs and we're the nephew — I say we, meaning Chiv. Perhaps in all essential points, you are more nearly related to him than we are. Very good. If so, so be it. But you can't get at him, neither can we. I give you my brightest word of honor, sir, that I've been looking through that keyhole, with short intervals of rest, ever since nine o'clock this morning, in expectation of receiving an answer to one of the most moderate and gentlemanly appli- cations for a little temporary assistance — only fifteen pounds, and 7ny security — that the mind of man can conceive. In the meantime, sir, he is perpetually closeted with, and pouring his whole confidence into the bosom of a stranger. Now, I say decisively, with regard to this state of circumstances, that it won't do ; that it won't act ; that it can't be ; and that it must not be suffered to continue." *' Every man," said Mr. Pecksniff, " has a right, an undoubted right (which I, for one, would not call in ques- tion for an earthly consideration; oh no!), to regulate his own proceedings by his likings and dislikings, supposing they are not immoral and not irreligious. I may feel in my own breast, that Mr. Chuzzlewit does not regard — me, for instance: say me — with exactly that am.ount of Christian love which should subsist between us; I may feel grieved and hurt at the circumstance; still I may not rush to the conclusion that Mr. Chuzzlewit is wholly without a justifica- tion in all his coldnesses. Heaven forbid! Besides, how, Mr. Tigg," continued Pecksniff even more gravely and impressively than he had spoken yet, " how could Mr. Chuz- zlewit be prevented from having these peculiar and most extraordinary confidences of which you speak ; the exist- ence of which I must admit ; and which I can not but deplore — for his sake? Consider, my good sir — " and here Mr. Pecksniff eyed him wistfully — " how very much at ran- dom you are talking." 58 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " Why as to that," rejoined Tigg, " it certainly is a difficult question," " Undoubtedly it is a difficult question," Mr. Pecksniff answered. As he spoke he drew himself aloft, and seemed to grow more mindful, suddenly, of the moral gulf between himself and the creature he addressed. " Undoubtedly it is a very difficult question. And I am far from feeling sure that it is a question any one is authorized to discuss. Good evening to you." " You don't know that the Spottletoes are here, I sup- pose ? " said Mr, Tigg. " What do you mean, sir? what Spottletoes ? " asked Pecksniff, stopping abruptly on his way to the door. " Mr. and Mrs. Spottletoe," said Chevy Slyme, Esquire, speaking aloud for the first time, and speaking very sulkily; shambling with his legs the while. *' Spottletoe married my father's brother's child, didn't he? And Mrs. Spottletoe is Chuzzlewit's own niece, isn't she? She was his favorite once. You may well ask what Spottletoes." " Now, upon my sacred word! " cried Mr. Pecksniff, look- ing upward. *' This is dreadful. The rapacity of these people is absolutely frightful ! " *'It's not only the Spottletoes either, Tigg," said Slyme, looking at that gentleman and speaking at Mr. Pecksniff. " Anthony Chuzzlewit and his son have got wind of it, and have come down this afternoon. I saw 'em not five minutes ago, when I was waiting round the corner." " Oh, mammon, mammon! " cried Mr. Pecksniff, smiting his forehead. ** So there," said Slyme, regardless of the interruption, "are his brother and another nephew for you, already." " This is the whole thing, sir," said Mr. Tigg; "this is the point and purpose at which I was gradually arriving, when my friend Slyme here, with six words, hit it full. Mr. Pecksniff, now that your cousin (and Chiv's uncle) has turned up, some steps must be taken to prevent his disappearing again; and if possible to counteract the influence which is exercised over him now, by this designing favorite. Every body who is inter- ested feels it, sir. The whole family is pouring down to this place. The time has come when individual jealousies and interests must be forgotten for a time, sir, and union must be made against the common enemy. When the common enemy is routed, you will all set up for yourselves again ; every lady and gentleman who has a part in the game will MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 59 go in on their own account and bowl away, to the best of their ability, at the testator's wicket ; and nobody will be in a worse position than before. Think of it. Don't commit yourself now. You'll find usatthe Half Moon and Seven Stars in this village, at any time, and open to any reasonable proposition. Hem ! Chiv, my dear fellow, go out and see what sort of a night it is." Mr. Slyme lost no time in disappearing, and, it is to be presumed, in going round the corner. Mr. Tigg, planting his legs as wide apart as he could be reasonably expected by the most sanguine man to keep them, shook his head at Mr. Pecksniff and smiled. " We must not be too hard," he said, " upon the little eccentricities of our friend Slyme. You saw him whisper me?" Mr. Pecksniff had seen him. " You heard my answer, I think ? " Mr. Pecksniff had heard it. ** Five shillings, eh ? " said Mr. Tigg, thoughtfully. " Ah ! what an extraordinary fellow ? Very moderate too ! " Mr. Pecksniff made no answer. ** Five shillings ! " pursued Mr. Tigg, musing ; " and to be punctually repaid next week ; that's the best of it. You heard that ? " Mr. Pecksniff had not heard that. " No ! You surprise me ! " cried Tigg. " That's the cream of the thing, sir. I never knew that man fail to redeem a promise in my life. You're not in want of change, are you ? " " No," said Mr. Pecksniff, " thank you. Not at all." . " Just so," returned Mr. Tigg. '' If you had been, I'd have got it for you." With that he began to whistle ; but a dozen seconds had not elapsed when he stopped short, and, looking earnestly at Mr. Pecksniff, said : " Perhaps you'd rather not lend Slyme five shillings ? " " I would much rather not," Mr. Pecksniff rejoined, " Egad ! " cried Tigg, gravely nodding his head as if some ground of objection occurred to him at that moment for the first time, " it's very possible you may be right. Would you entertain the same sort of objection to lending vie five shillings, now ?" "Yes, I couldn't do it. Indeed," said Mr. Pecksniff. ** Not even half a crown, perhaps ? " urged Mr. Tigg, " Not even half a crown." 6o MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " Why then we come," said Mr. Tigg, " to the ridiculously small amount of eighteen pence. Ha ! ha ! " " And that," said Mr. Pecksniff, ** would be equally objec- tionable." On receipt of this assurance, Mr. Tigg shook him heartily by both hands, protesting with much earnestness that he was one of the most consistent and remarkable men he had ever met, and that he desired the honor of his better acquaint- ance. He moreover observed that there were many little characteristics about his friend Slyme, of which he could by no means, as a man of strict honor, approve ; but that he was prepared to forgive him all these slight drawbacks, and much more, in consideration of the great pleasure he him- self had that day enjoyed in his social intercourse with Mr. Pecksniff, which had given him a far higher and more enduring delight than the successful negotiation of any small loan on the part of his friend could possibly have imparted. With which remarks he would beg leave, he said, to wish Mr. Pecksniff a very good evening. And so he took himself off ; as little abashed by his recent failure as any gentleman would desire to be. The meditations of Mr. Pecksniff that evening at the bar of the Dragon, and that night in his own house, were very serious and grave indeed ; the more especially as the intel- ligence he had received from Messrs. Tigg and Slyme touch- ing the arrival of other members of the family, were fully confirmed on more particular inquiry. For the Spottletoes had actually gone straight to the Dragon, where they were at that moment housed and mounting guard, and where their appearance had occasioned such a vast sensation that Mrs Lupin, scenting their errand before they had been under her roof half an hour, carried the news herself with all possible secrecy straight to Mr. Pecksniff's house ; indeed it was her great caution in doing so which occasioned her to miss that gentleman who entered at the front door of the Dragon, just as she emerged from the back one. Moreover,Mr. Anthony Chuz- zlewit and his son Jonas were economically quartered at the Half Moon and Seven Stars, which was an obscure ale-house ; and by the very next coach there came posting to the scene of action, so many other affectionate members of the family (who quarreled with each other, inside and out, all the way down, to the utter distraction of the coachman), that in less then four-and-twenty hours the scanty tavern accommoda- tion was at a premium, and al] the private lodgings in the MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 61 place amounting to full four beds and a sofa, rose cent, per cent, in the market. In a word, things came to that pass that nearly the whole family sat down before the Blue Dragon, and formally invested it ; and Martin Chuzzlewit was in a state of siege. But he resisted bravely ; refusing to receive all letters, mes- sages, and parcels ; obstinately declining to treat with any body ; and holding out no hope or promise of capitulation. Meantime the family forces were perpetually encountering each other in divers parts of the neighborhood ; and, as no one branch of the Chuzzlewit tree had ever been known to agree with another within the memory of man, there was such a skirmishing, and flouting, and snapping off of heads, in the metaphorical sense of that expression ; such a bandy- ing of words and calling of names ; such an upturning of noses and wrinkling of brows ; such a formal interment of good feelings and violent resurrection of ancient grievances; as had never been known in those quiet parts since the ear- liest record of their civilized existence. At length, in utter despair and hopelessness, some few of the belligerents began to speak to each other in only moder- ate terms of mutual aggravation ; and nearly all addressed themselves with a show of tolerable decency to Mr. Peck- sniff, in recognition of his high character and influential posi- tion. Thus, by little and little they made common cause of Martin Chuzzlewit's obduracy, until it was agreed (if such a word can be used in connection with the Chuzzlewits) that there should be a general council and conference held at Mr. Pecksniff's house upon a certain day at noon ; which all mem- bers of the family who had brought themselves within reach of the summons, were forthwith bidden and invited, solemnly, to attend. If ever ISIr. Pecksniff wore an apostolic look, he wore it on this memorable day. If ever his unruffled smile proclaimed the words, " I am a messenger of peace ! " that was its mis- sion now. If ever man combined within himself all the mild qualities of the lamb with a considerable touch of the dove, and not a dash of the crocodile, or the least possible sugges- tion of the very mildest seasoning of the serpent, that man was he. And, oh, the two Miss Pecksniffs ! Oh, the serene expression on the face of Charity, which seemed to say, " I knovv' that all my family have injured me beyond the possi- bility of reparation, but I forgive them, for it is my duty so to do I " And, oh, the gay simplicity of Mercy ; so charming, 62 MARTIN CHU2ZLEWIT. innocent, and infant-like, that if she had gone out walking by herself, and it had been a little earlier in the season, the robin-redbreasts might have covered her with leaves against her will, believing her to be one of the sweet children in the wood, come out of it, and issuing forth once more to look for blackberries in the young freshness of her heart ! What words can paint the Pecksniffs in that trying hour ? Oh, none ; for words have naughty company among them, and the Pecksniffs were all goodness. But when the company arrived! That was the time. When Mr. Pecksniff, rising from his seat at the table's head, with a daughter on either hand, received his guests in the best par- lor and motioned them to chairs, with eyes so overflowing and countenance so damp with gracious perspiration, that he may be said to have been in a kind of moist meekness ! And the company ; the jealous, stony-hearted, distrustful com- pany, who were all shut up in themselves, and had no faith in any body, and wouldn't believe any thing, and would no more allow themselves to be softened or lulled asleep by the Pecksniffs than if they had been so many hedgehogs or por- cupines ! First, there was Mr. Spottletoe, who was so bald and had such big whiskers, that he seemed to have stopped his hair, by the sudden application of some powerful remedy, in the very act of falling off his head, and to have fastened it irrevo- cably on his face. Then there was Mrs. Spottletoe, who being much too slim for her years, and of a poetical constitution, was accustomed to inform her more intimate friends that the said whiskers were " the lodestar of her existence;" and who could now, by reason of her strong affection for her Uncle Chuzzlewit, and the shock it gave her to be suspected of testamentary designs upon him, do nothing but cry — except moan. Then there were Anthony Chuzzlewit, and his son Jonas ; the face of the old man so sharpened by the wariness and cunning of his life, that it seemed to cut him a passage through the crowded room, as he edged away behind the remotest chairs; while the son had so well profited by the pre- cept and example of the father, that he looked a year or two the elder of the twain, as they stood winking iheir red eyes side by side, and whispering to each other, softly. Then there was the widow of a deceased brother of Mr. Martin Chuzzle- wit, who being almost supernaturally disagreeable, and having a dreary face and a bony figure and a masculine voice, was, in right of these qualities, what is commonly called a strong- MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, 03 minded woman; and who, if she could, would have established her claim to the title, and have shown herself mentally speaking, a perfect Samson, by shutting up her brother-in- law in a private mad-house, until he proved his complete sanity by loving her very much. Beside her sat her spinster daughters, three in number, and of gentlewomanly deport- ment, who had so mortified themselves with tight stays, that their tempers were reduced to something less than their waists, and sharp lacing was expressed in their very noses. Then there was a young gentleman, grand-nephew of Mr. Martin Chuzzlewit, very dark and very hairy, and appar- ently born for no particular purpose but to save looking- glasses the trouble of reflecting more than just the first idea and sketchy notion of a face, which had never been carried out. Then there was a solitary female cousin who was remarkable for nothing but being very deaf, and living by herself, and always having the toothache. Then there was George Chuzzlewit, a gay bachelor cousin, who claimed to be young but had been younger, and was inclined to corpulency, and rather over-fed himself; to that extent, indeed, that his eyes were strained in their sockets, as if with constant surprise; and he had such an obvious disposition to pimples, that the bright spots on his cravat, the rich pattern on his waistcoat, and even his glittering trinkets, seemed to have broken out upon him, and not to have come into existence comfortably. Last of all there were present Mr. Chevy Slyme and his friend Tigg. And it is worthy of remark, that although each person present disliked the other mainly because he or she did belong to the family, they one and all concurred in hating Mr. Tigg because he didn't. Such was the pleasant little family circle now assembled in Mr. Pecksniff's best parlor, agreeably prepared to fall foul of Mr. Pecksniff or any body else who might venture to say any thing whatever upon any subject. " This," said Mr. Pecksniff rising, and looking round upon them, with folded hands, " does me good. It does my daughters good. We thank you for assembling here. We are grateful to you with our whole hearts. It is a blessed distinction that you have conferred upon us, and believe me; " it is impossible to conceive how he smiled here; " we shall not easily forget it." " I am sorry to interrupt you, Pecksniff," remarked Mr. Spottletoe, with his whiskers in a very portentous state; '' but you are assuming toe much to yourself, sir. Who do 64 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. you imagine has it in contemplation to confer a distinction upon you, sir ? " A general murmur echoed this inquiry, and applauded it. " If you are about to pursue the course with which you have begun, sir," pursued Mr. Spottletoe in a great heat, and giving a violent rap on the table with his knuckles, " the sooner you desist, and this assembly separates, the better. I am no stranger, sir, to your preposterous desire to be regarded as the head of this family, but I can tell yoi/, sir — " Oh yes indeed! I/e tell. JJ'e / What? He was the head, was he? From the strong-minded woman downwards every body fell, that instant, upon Mr. Spottletoe, who after vainly attempting to be heard in silence w^as fain to sit down again, folding his arms and shaking his head, most wrath - fully, and giving Mrs. Spottletoe to understand in dumb show, that that scoundrel Pecksniff might go on for the present, but he would cut in presently, and annihilate him. " I am not sorry," said Mr. Pecksniff in resumption of his address, *' I am really not sorry that this little incident has happened. It is good to feel that we are met here without disguise. It is good to know that we have no reserve before each other, but are appearing freely in our own characters." Here, the eldest daughter of the strong-minded woman rose a little way from her seat, and trembling violently from head to foot, more as it seemed with passion than timidity, expressed a general hope that some people would appear in their own characters, if it were only for such a proceeding having the attraction of novelty to recommend it: and that when they (meaning the some people before mentioned) talked about their relations, they would be careful to observe who was present in company at the time; otherwise it might come round to those relations' ears, in a way they little expected; and as to red noses (she observed) she had yet to learn that a red nose was any disgrace, inasmuch as people neither made nor colored their own noses, but had that feature provided for them without being first consulted; though even upon that branch of the subject she had great doubts whether certain noses were redder than other noses, or indeed half as red as some. This remark being received with a shrill titter by the two sisters of the speaker. Miss Charity Pecksniff begged with much politeness to be informed whether any of those very low observations were leveled at her ; and receiv- MARTIN CHU2ZLEWIT. 65 ing no more explanatory answer than was conveyed in the adage " Those the cap fits, let them wear it," immediately commenced a somewhat acrimonious and personal retort, wherein she was much comforted and abetted by her sister Mercy, who laughed at the same with great heartiness ; indeed far more naturally than life. And it being cpiite impossible that any difference of opinion can take place among women without every woman who is within hearing taking active part in it, the strong-minded lady and her two daughters, and Mrs. Spottletoe, and the deaf cousin (who was not at all disqualified from joining in the dispute by reason of being perfectly unacquainted with its merits), one and all plunged into the quarrel directly. The two Miss Pecksniffs being a pretty good match for the three Miss Chuzzlewits, and all five young ladies having, in the figurative language of the day, a great amount of steam to dispose of, the altercation would no doubt have been a long one but for the high valor and prowess of the strong-minded woman, who, in right of her reputation for powers of sarcasm, did so belabor and pummel Mrs. Spottletoe with taunting words that that poor lady, before the engagement was two minutes old, had no refuge but in tears. These she shed so plentifully, and so much to the agitation and grief of Mr. Spottletoe, that that gentleman, after holding his clenched fist close to Mr. Pecksniff's eyes, as if it were some natural curiosity from the near inspection whereof he was likely to derive high gratification and improvement, and after offering (for no particular reason that any body could discover) to kick Mr. George Chuzzle- wit for, and in consideration of, the trifling sum of sixpence, took his wife under his arm, and indignantly withdrew. This diversion, by distracting the attention of the combat- ants, put an end to the strife, which, after breaking out afresh some twice or thrice in certain inconsiderable spirts and dashes, died away in silence. It was then that Mr. Pecksniff once more rose from his chair. It v\'as then that the two Miss Pecksniffs composed themselves to look as if there were no such beings — not to say present, but in the whole compass of the world, as the three Miss Chuzzlewits ; while the three Miss Chuzzlewits became equally unconscious of the existence of the two Miss Pecksniffs. " It is to be lamented," said Mr. Pecksniff with a forgiving recollection of Mr. Spottletoe's fist, " that our friend should ^^ MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. have withdrawn himself so very hastily, though we have cause for mutual congratulations even in that, since we are assured that he is not distrustful of us in regard to any thing we may say or do, while he is absent. Now, that is very soothing, is it not ? " " Pecksniff," said Anthony, who had been watching the whole party with peculiar keenness from the first : *^ don't you be a hypocrite." " A what, my good sir ? " demanded Mr. Pecksniff. " A hypocrite." " Charity, my dear," said Mr. Pecksniff, " when I take my chamber candlestick to-night, remind me to be more than usually particular in praying for Mr. Anthony Chuzzle- wit ; who has done me an injustice." This was said in a very bland voice, and aside, as being addressed to his daughter's private ear. With a cheerful- ness of conscience, prompting almost a sprightly demeanor, he then resumed : " All our thoughts centering in our very dear, but unkind relative, and he being as it were beyond our reach, we are met to-day, really as if we were a funeral party, except — a blessed exception — that there is no body in the house." The strong-minded lady was not at all sure that this was a blessed exception. Quite the contrary. " Well, my dear madam ! " said Mr. Pecksniff. " Be that as it may, here we are ; and being here, we are to consider whether it is possible by any justifiable means — " " Why, you know as well as I," said ^the strong-minded lady, " that any means are justifiable in such a case, don't you?" " Very good, my dear madam, very good ; whether it is possible by any means, we will say by any means, to open the eyes of our valued relative to his present infatuation. Whether it is possible to make him acquainted by any means with the real character and purpose of that young female whose strange position, in reference to himself," here Mr. Pecksniff sunk his voice to an impressive whisper, " really casts a shadow of disgrace and shame upon this family ; and who, we know," here he raised his voice again, '' else why is she his companion ? harbors the very basest designs upon his weakness and his property." In their strong feeling on this point, they, who agreed in nothing else, all concurred as one mind. Good heavens, that she should harbor designs upon his property ! The MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 67 strong-minded lady was for poison, her three daughters were for Bridewell and bread and water, the cousin with the toothache advocated Botany Bay, the two Miss Pecksniffs suggested flogging. Nobody but Mr. Tigg, who, notwithstand- ing his extreme shabbiness, was still understood to be in some sort a lady's man, in right of his upper lip and his frogs, indicated a doubt of the justifiable nature of these meas- ures ; and he only ogled the three Miss Chuzzlewits with the least admixture of banter in his admiration, as though he would observe, '' You are positively down upon her to too great an extent, my sweet creatures, upon my soul you are ! " ** Now," said Mr. Pecksniff, crossing his two fore-fingers in a manner which was at once conciliatory and argumenta- tive ; " I will not, upon the one hand, go so far as to say that she deserves all the inflictions which have been so very forci- bly and hilariously suggested ;" one of his ornamental sen- tences ; " nor will I, upon the other, on any account com- promise my common understanding as a man by making the assertion that she does not. What I should observe is, that I think some practical means might be devised of inducing our respected, shall I say our revered — ? " *' No ! " interposed the strong-minded woman in a loud voice, *' Then I will not," said Mr. Pecksniff. "You are quite right, my dear madam, and I appreciate and thank you for your discriminating objection — our respected relative, to dis- pose himself to listen to the promptings of nature, and not to the—" " Go on, pa ! " cried Mercy. '* Why, the truth is, my dear," said Mr. Pecksniff, smiling upon his assembled kindred, " that I am at a loss for a word. The name of those fabulous animals (pagan, I regret to say) who used to sing in the water has quite escaped me." Mr. George Chuzzlewit suggested " swans." "No," said Mr. Pecksniff. ''Not swans. Very like swans, too. Thank you," The nephew with the outlme of a countenance, speaking for the first and last time on that occasion, propounded " oysters." " No," said Mr. Pecksniff, with his own peculiar urbanity, ** nor oysters. But by no means unlike oysters ; a very excellent idea ; thank you, my dear sir, very much. Wait ! Sirens. Dear me ! sirens, of course. I think, I say, that 6S MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. means might be devised of disposing our respected relative to listen to the promptings of nature, and not to the siren- like delusions of art. Now we must not lose sight of the fact that our esteemed friend has a grandson, to whom he was, until lately, very much attached, and whom I could have wished to see here to-day, for I have a real and deep regard for him. A fine young man ; a very fine young man ! I would submit to you, whether we might not remove Mr. Chuzzlewit's distrust of us, and Aindieate our own disinterest- edness by — " ** If Mr. George Chuzzlewit has any thing to say to ;;/^," interposed the strong-minded woman, sternly, " I beg him to speak out like a man ; and not to look at me and my daugh- ters as if he could eat us." " As to looking, I have heard it said, Mrs. Ned," returned j\Ir. George, angrily, " that a cat is free to con- template a monarch ; and therefore I hope I have some right, having been born a member of this family, to look at a person who only came into it by marriage. As to eating, I beg to say, whatever bitterness your jealousies and disap- pointed expectations may suggest to you, that I am not a cannibal, ma'am." " I don't know that !" cried the strong-minded woman. " At all events, if I was a cannibal," said Mr. George Chuzzlewit, greatly stimulated by this retort, " I think it would occur to me that a lady who had out-lived three hus- bands and suffered so very little from their loss, must be most uncommonly tough." 'The strong-minded woman immediately rose. " And I will further add," said Mr. George, nodding his head violently at every second syllable ; " naming no names, and therefore hurting nobody but those whose consciences tell them they are alluded to, that I think it v\-ould be much more decent and becoming, if those who hooki.d and crooked themselves into this family by getting on the blind side of some of its members before marriage, and manslaugh- tering them afterward by crowing over them to that strong pitch that they were glad to die, would refrain from acting the part of vultures in regard to other members of the fam- ily who are living. I think it would be full as well, if not better, if those individuals would keep at home, contenting themselves with what they have got (luckily for them) already ; instead of hovering about, and thrusting their fingers into a family pie, which they flavor much more MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 69 than enough, I can tell them, when they are fifty miles away." '' I might have been prepared for this ! " cried the strong- minded woman, looking about her with a disdainful smile as she moved toward the door, followed by her three daugh- ters ; " indeed I was fully prepared for it, from the first. What else could I expect in such an atmosphere as this ! " '' Don't direct your half-pay-officer's gaze at me, ma'am, if you please," interposed Miss Charity ; '* for I won't bear it." This was a smart stab at a pension enjoyed by the strong- minded woman, during her second widowhood and before her last coverture. It told immensely. " I passed from the memory of a grateful country, you very miserable minx," said Mrs. Ned, "when I entered this family ; and I feel now, though I did not feel then, that it served me right, and that I lost my claim upon the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland when I so degraded myself. Now, my dears, if you're quite ready, and have suf- ficiently improved yourselves by taking to heart the genteel exam. pie of these two young ladies, I think we'll go. Mr. Pecksniff, we are very much obliged to you, reall}^ We came to be entertained, and you have far surpassed our utmost expectations, in the amusement you have provided for us. Thank you. Good-by ! " With such departing words, did this strong-minded female paralyze the Pecksniffian energies ; and so she swept out of the room, and out of the house, attended by her daughters, who, as with one accord, elevated their three noses in the air, and joined in a contemptuous titter. As they passed the parlor window on the outside, they were seen to coun- terfeit a perfect transport of delight among themselves; and with this final blow and great discouragement for those within, they vanished. Before Mr. Pecksniff or any of his remaining visitors could offer a remark, another figure passed this w^indow, coming, at a great rate, in the opposite direction, and immediately afterward Mr. Spottletoe burst into the chamber. Com- pared with his present state of heat, he had gone out a man of snow or ice. His head distilled such oil upon his whiskers, that they were rich and clogged with unctuous drops ; his face was violently inflamed, his limbs trembled ; and he gasped and strove for breath. 70 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " My good sir ! ** cried Mr. Pecksniff. **0h yes !" returned the other. " Oh yes, certainly! Oh to be sure ! Oh of course! You hear him? You hear him ? all of you ! " " What's the matter ! " cried several voices. ** Oh nothing ! " cried Spottletoe, still gasping. " Nothing at all ! It's of no consequence ! Ask him ! Z^^ 7/ tell you ! '" **I do not understand our friend," said Mr. Pecksniff, looking about him in utter amazement. " I assure you thi '■ he is quite unintelligible to me." " Unintelligible, sir ! " cried the other. ** Unintelligible . Do you mean to say, sir, that you don't know what has hap- pened ? That you haven't decoyed us here, and laid a plot and a plan against us ? Will you venture to say that you didn't know Mr. Chuzzlewit was going, sir, and that you don't know he's gone, sir ? " " Gone ! " was the general cry. ** Gone," echoed Mr. Spottletoe. " Gone while we were sitting here. Gone. Nobody knows where he's gone. Oh of course not ! Nobody knew he v/as going. Oh of course not ! The landlady thought up to the very last moment that they were merely going for a ridtj ; she had no otlier suspicion. Oh of course not ! She's not this fellow's creat- ure. Oh of course not ! " Adding to these exclamations a kind of ironical howl, and gazing upon the company for one brief instant afterward, in a sudden silence, the irritated gentleman started off again at the same tremendous pace, and was seen no more. It was in vain for Mr. Pecksniff to assure them that this new and opportune evasion of the family was at least as great a shock and surprise to him, as to any body else. Of all the bullying and denunciations that were ever heaped on one unlucky head, none can ever have exceeded in energy and heartiness those with which he was complimented by each of his remaining relatives, singly, upon bidding him farewell. The moral position taken by Mr. Tigg was something quite tremendous ; and the deaf cousin, who had the com- plicated aggravation of seeing all the proceedings and hear- ing nothing but the catastrophe, actually scraped her shoes upon the scraper, and afterward distributed impressions of them all over the top step, in token that she shook the dust from her feet before quitting that dissembling and perfidious mansion. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 71 Mr. Pecksniff had, in short, but one comfort, and that was the knowledge that all these his relations and friends had hated him to the very utmost extent before; and that he, for his part, had not distributed among them any more love, than, with his ample capital in that respect, he could com- fortably afford to part with. This view of his affairs yielded him great consolation; and the fact deserves to be noted, aa showing with what ease a good man may be consoled undei circumstances of failure and disappointment. CHAPTER V. CONTAINING A FULL ACCOUNT OP THE INSTALLATION OF MR. Pecksniff's new pupil into the bosom of mr. Pecksniff's family. with all the festivities held on that occasion, and the great enjoyment of MR. pinch. The best of architects and land surveyors kept a horse, in whom the enemies already mentioned more than once in these pages, pretended to detect a fanciful resemblance to his master. Not in his outward person, for he was a raw- boned, haggard horse, always on a much shorter allowance of corn than Mr. Pecksniff; but in his moral character, wherein, said they, he was full of promise, but of no performance. He was always, in a manner, going to go, and never going. When at his slowest rate of traveling, he would sometimes lift up his legs so high, and display such mighty action, that it was difficult to believe he was doing less than fourteen miles an hour; and he was forever so perfectly satisfied with his own speed, and so little disconcerted by opportunities of comparing himself with the fastest trotters, that the illusion was the more difficult of resistance. He was a kind of animal who infused into the breasts of strangers a lively sense of hope, and possessed all those who knew him better with a grim despair. In what respect, having these points of character, he might be fairly likened to his master, that good man's slanderers only can explain. But it is a melan- choly truth, and a deplorable instance of the uncharitable- ness of the world, that they made the comparison. In this horse, and the hooded vehicle, whatever its proper name might be, to which he was usually harnessed — it was more like a gig with a tumor, than any thing else — all Mr. 72 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Pinch's thoughts and wishes centred, one bright, frosty morning; for, with this gallant equipage, he was about to drive to Salisbury alone, there to meet with the new pupil, and thence to bring him home in triumph- Blessings on thy simple heart, Tom Pinch, how proudly dost thou button up that scanty coat, called by a sad misno- mer, for these many years, a "great" one; and how thor- oughly as with thy cheerful voice thou pleasantly abjurest Sam the hostler "not to let him go yet," dost thou believe that quadruped desires to go, and would go if he might ! Who could repress a smile — of love for thee, Tom Pinch, and not in jest at thy expense, for thou art poor enough already, heaven knows — to think that such a holiday as lies before thee, should awaken that quick How and hurry of the s[)irits, in which thou settest down again, almost untasted, on the kitchen window-sill, the greet white mug (put by, by thy own hands, last night, that breaKiasi mignt not hold thee late), and layest yonder crust u|)on the seat beside thee, to be eaten on the road, when thou art calmer in thy high rejoicing ! Who, as thou drivest off, a happy man, and noddest with a grateful lovingness to Pecksniff in his night- cap at his chamber window, would not cry: " Heaven speed thee, Tom, and send that thou wert going off forever to some quiet home where thou mightst live at peace, and sor- row should not touch thee ! " What better time for driving, riding, walking, moving through the air by any means, than a fresh, frosty morning when hope runs cheerily through the veins with the brisk blood, and tingles in the frame from head to foot ! This was the glad commencement of a bracing day in early winter, such as may put the languid summer season (speak- ing of it when it can't be had) to the blush, and shame the spring for being sometimes cold by halves. The sheep-bells rang as clearly in the vigorous air, as if they felt its whole- some influence like living creatures; the trees, in lieu of leaves or blossoms, shed upon the ground a frosty rime that sparkled as it fell, and might have been the dust of diamonds. So it was, to Tom. From cottage chimneys, smoke went streaming up higli, high, as if the earth had lost its gross- ness, being so fair, and must not be oppressed by heavy vapor. The crust of ice on the else rippling brook was so transparent and so tliin in texture, tliat the lively water might, of its own free will have stopped — in Tom's glad mind it had — to look uj)()n the lovely morning. And lest MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 73 the sun should break this charm too eagerly, there moved between him and the ground, a mist like that which waits upon the moon on summer nights — the very same to Tom — and wooed him to dissolve it gently. Tom Pinch went on; not fast, but with a sense of rapid motion, which did just as well; and as he went, all kinds of things occurred to keep him happy. Thus when he came within sight of the turnpike, and was — oh, a long way off! — he saw the tollman's wife, who had that moment checked a wagon, run back into the little house again like mad, to say (she knew) that Mr. Pinch was coming up. And she was right, for when he drew within hail of the gate, forth rushed the tollman's children, shrieking in tiny chorus, " Mr. Pinch! " to Tom's intense delight. The very tollman, though an ugly chap in general, and one whom folks were rather shy of handling, came out himself to take the toll, and give him rough good morning ; and that with all this, and a glimpse of the family breakfast on a little round table before the fire, the crust Tom Pinch had brought away with him acquired as rich a flavor as though it had been cut from a fairy loaf. But there was more than this. It was not only the mar- ried people and the children who gave Tom Pinch a wel- come as he passed. No, no. Sparkling eyes and snowy breasts came hurriedly to many an upper casement as he clattered by, and gave him back his greeting ; not stinted, either, but sevenfold, good measure. They were all merry. They all laughed. And some ^f the wickedest among them even kissed their hanas as rom looked back. For who minded poor Mr. Pinch. There was no harm in him. And now the morning grew so fair, and all things were so wide awake and gay, that the sun seeming to say — Tom had no doubt he said — " I can't stand it any longer ; I must have a look," streamed out in radiant majesty. The mist, too shy and gentle for such lusty company, fled off, quite scared, before it; and as it swept away, the hills and mounds and distant pasture lands, teeming with placid sheep and noisy crows, came out as bright as though they were unrolled brand new for the occasion. In compliment to which discovery, the brook stood still no longer, but ran briskly off to bear the tidings to the water-mill, three miles away. Mr. Pinch was jogging along, full of pleasant thoughts and cheerful influences, when he saw, upon the path before him, going in the same direction with himself, a traveler on foot, 74 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. who walked with a light, quick step, and sang as he went; for certain in a very loud voice, but not unmusically. He was a young fellow, of some five or six-and-twenty, perhaps, and was dressed in such a free and fly-away fashion, that the long ends of his loose red neck-cloth were streaming out behind him quite as often as before; and the bunch of bright winter berries in the buttonhole of his velveteen coat, was as visible to Mr. Pinch's rearward observation, as if he had worn that garment wrong side foremost. He continued to sing with so much energy, that he did not hear the sound of wheels until it was close behind him; when he turned a whimsical face and a very merry pair of blue eyes on Mr. Pinch, and checked himsell "iirectly. '* Why, Mark " said Tom Pinch, stopping. " Who'd have thought of seeing you here ? Well! this is surprising! " Mark touched his hat, and said, with a very sudden decrease of vivacity, that he was going to Salisbury. " And how spruce you are, too! " said Mr. Pinch, surveying him with great pleasure. " Really, I didn't think you were half such a tight-made fellow, Mark! " " Thankc'S, Mr. Pinch. Pretty well for that, I believe. It's not my fault, you know. With regard to being spruce, sir, that's where it is, you see." And here he looked partic- ularly gloomy. ''Where what is?" Mr. Pinch demanded. " Where the aggravation of it is. Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that. If I was very ragged and very jolly, then I should begin to feel I had gained a point, Mr. Pinch." "So you were singing just now, to bear up, as it were, against being well dressed, eh, Mark ? " said Pinch. *' Your conversation's always equal to print, sir," rejoined Mark, with a broad grin. '' That was it." " Well! " cried Pinch, *' you are the strangest young man, Mark, I ever knew in my life. I always thought so; but now I am quite certain of it. I am going to SaUsbury, too. Will you get in ? I shall be very glad of your company." The young fellow made his acknowledgments and accepted the offer; stepping into the carriage directly, and seating him- self on the very edge of the seat with his body half out of it, to express his being there on sufferance, and by the polite- ness of Mr. Pinch. As they went along, the conversation proceeded after this manner. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 75 ** I more than half believed, just now, seeing you so very smart," said Pinch, '' that you must be going to be married, Mark." " Well, sir, I've thought of that, too," he replied. " There might be some credit in being jolly with a wife, 'specially if the children had the measles and that, and was very frac- tious'indeed. But I'm a'most afraid to try it. I don't see my way clear." " You're not very fond of any body, perhaps ? " said Pinch. '' Not particular, sir, I think." " But the way would be, you know, Mark, according to your views of things," said Mr. Pinch, '' to marry somebody you didn't like, and who was very disagreeable." " So it would, sir ; but that might be carrying out a prin- ciple a little too far, mightn't it ? " '' Perhaps it might," said Mr. Pinch. At which they both laughed gayly. '' Lord bless you, sir," said Mark, '^ you don't half know me, though. I don't believe there ever was a man as could come out so strong under circumstances that would make other meh miserable, as I could, if I could only get a chance. But I can't get a chance. It's my opinion that nobody nev^** will know half of what's in me, unless something very unex- pected turns up. And I don't see any prospect of that. I'm a-going to leave the Dragon, sir." " Going to leave the Dragon ! " cried Mr. Pinch, looking at him with great astonishment. '* Why, Mark, you take my breath away ! " " Yes, sir," he rejoined, looking straight before him and a long way off, as men do sometimes when they cogitate pro- foundly. " What's the use of my stopping at the Dragon .'* It ain't at all the sort of place for me. When I left London (I'm a Kentish man by birth, though), and took that sitiva- tion here, I quite made up my mind that it was the dullest little out-of-the-way corner in England, and that there would be some credit in being jolly under such circiimstances. But, Lord, there's no dullness at the Dragon ! Skittles, cricket, quoits, nine-pins, comic songs, choruses, company round the chimney corner every winter's evening. Any man could be jolly at the Dragon, There's no credit in thaty ''But if common report be true for once, Mark, as I think it is, being able to confirm it by what I know myself," said Mr. Pinch, " you are the cause of half this merriment, and set it going." 70 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " There may be something in that, too, sir," answered Mark. '' But that's no consolation." " Well ! " said Mr. Pinch, after a short silence, his usually subdued tone being even more subdued than ever. '^ I can hardly think enough of what you tell me. Why, what will become of Mrs. Lupin, Mark ? " Mark looked more fixedly before him, and further off still, as he ansvv-ered that he didn't suppose it would be much of an object to her. There were plenty of smart young fellows as would be glad of the place. He knew a dozen himself. " That's probably enough," said Mr. Pinch, ^'but I am not at all sure that Mrs. Lupin would be glad of them. Why, I always supposed that Mrs. Lupin and you would make a match of it, Mark ; and so did every one, as far as I know." ** I never," Mark replied, in some confusion, " said nothing as was in a direct way courting-like to her, nor she to me, but I don't know what I mightn't do one of these odd times, and what she mightn't say in answer. Well, sir, that wouldn't suit." "" Not to be landlord of the Dragon, Mark ? " cried Mr. Pinch. " No, sir, certainly not," returned the other, withdrawing his gaze from the horizon, and looking at his fellow-traveler. " Why, that would be the ruin of a man like me. I go and sit down comfortably for life, and no man never finds me out. What would be the credit of the landlord of the Dragon's being jolly? Why he couldn't help it, if he tried." *' Does Mrs. Lupin know you are going to leave her ? " Mr. Pinch inquired. '' I haven't broke it to her yet, sir, but I must. I'm look- ing out this morning for something new and suitable," he said, nodding toward the city. *' What kind of thing now ? " Mr. Pinch demanded. *' I was thinking," Mark replied, " of something in the grave-digging way." " Good gracious, Mark ! " cried Mr. Pinch. *' It's a good, damp, wormy sort of business, sir," said Mark, shaking his head, argumcntatively, '' r.nd there might be some credit in being jolly, with one's mind in that ])ur- ' suit, unless grave-diggers is usually given that way ; which would be a draw]:)ack. You don't happen to know how that is, in general, do you, sir ? " MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 77 "No," said Mr. Pinch, "I don't indeed. I never thought upon the subject." " In case of that not turning out as well as one could wish, you know," said Mark, musing again, " there's other businesses. Undertaking now. That's gloomy. There might be credit to be gained there. A broker's man in a poor neighborhood wouldn't be bad perhaps. A jailor sees a deal of misery. A doctor's man is in the very midst of murder. A bailiff's ain't a lively office nat'rally. Even a tax-gatherer must find his feelings rather worked upon at times. There's lots of trades, in which I should have an opportunity, I think." Mr. Pinch was so perfectly overwhelmed by these remarks that he could do nothing but occasionally exchange a word or two on some indifferent subject, and cast sidelong glances at the bright face of his odd friend (who seemed quite unconscious of his observation), until they reached a certain corner of the road, close upon the outskirts of the city, when Mark said he would jump down there, if he pleased. " But bless my soul, Mark, said Mr. Pinch, who in the progress of his observation just then made the discovery that the bosom of his companion's shirt was as much exposed as if it were midsummer, and was ruffled by every breath of air, " why don't you wear a waistcoat ? " " What's the good of one, sir ? " asked Mark. *' Good of one ? " said Mr. Pinch. *' Why, to keep your chest warm." " Lord love you, sir ! " cried Mark, *' you don't know me. My chest don't want no warming. Even if it did, what would no waistcoat bring it to ? Inflammation of the lungs, perhaps ? Well, there'd be some credit in being jolly, with a inflammation of the lungs." As Mr. Pinch returned no other answer than such as was conveyed in his drawing his breath very hard, and opening his eyes very wide and nodding his head very much, Mark thanked him for his ride, and without troubling him to stop, jumped lightly down. And away he fluttered, with his red neckerchief, and his open coat, dov.n a cross-lane ; turning, back from time to time to nod to Mr. Pinch, and looking one of the most careless, good-humored, comical fellows in life. His late companion, with a thoughtful face, pursued his way to Salisbury. Mr. Pinch had a shrewd notion that Salisbury was a very desperate sort of place, an exceeding wild and dissipated 78 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. city ; and when he had put up the horse, and given the hostler to understand that he would look in again in the course of an hour or two to see him take his corn, he set forth on a stroll about the streets with a vague and not unpleasant idea that they teemed with all kinds of mystery and bedevil- ment. To one of his quiet habits this little delusion was greatly assisted by the circumstance of its being market-day, and the thoroughfares about the market-place being filled with carts, horses, donkeys, baskets, wagons, garden stuff, meat, tripe, pies, poultry, and huckster's wares of every opposite description and possible variety of character. Then there were young farmers and old farmers, with smock- frocks, brown great-coats, drab great-coats, red worsted comforters, leather leggings, wonderful shaped hats, hunt- ing-whips, and rough sticks, standing about in groups, or talking noisily together on the tavern steps, or paying and receiving huge amounts of greasy wealth, with the assistance of such bulky pocket-books that when they were in their pockets it was apoplexy to get them cut, and when they were out it was spasms to get them in again. Also there were farmers' wives in beaver bonnets and red cloaks, riding shaggy horses purged of all earthly passions, who went soberly into all manner of places without desiring to know why, and who, if required, would have stood stock still in a china-shop, with a complete dinner-service at each hoof. Also a great many dogs, who were strongly interested in the state of the market and the bargains of their masters ; and a great confusion of tongues, both brute and human. Mr. Pinch regarded every thing exposed for sale with great delight, and was particularly struck by the itinerant cutlery, which he considered of the very keenest kind, insomuch that he purchased a pocket knife with seven blades in it, and not a cut (as he afterward found out) among them. When he had exhausted the market-place, and watched the farmers safe into the market dinner, he went back to look after the horse. Having seen him eat unto his heart's con- tent, he issued forth again to wander round the town and regale himself with the shop windows ; previously taking a long stare at the bank, and wondering in what direction underground, the caverns might be, where they kept the money ; and turning to look back at one or two young men who passed him, whom he knew to be articled to solicitors in the town ; and who had a sort of fearful interest in his eyes, as jolly dogs who knew a thing or two, and kept it up tiemcuduuiily. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 79 But the shops. First of all, there were the jewelers* shops, with all their treasures of earth displayed therein, and such large silver watches hanging up in every pane of glass, that if they were any thing but first-rate goers it cer- tainly was not because the works could decently complain of want of room. In good sooth they were big enough, and perhaps, as the saying is, ugly enough, to be the most correct of all mechanical performers ; in Mr. Pinch's eyes, however, they were smaller than Geneva ware ; and when he saw one very bloated watch announced as a repeater, gifted with the uncommon power of striking every quarter of an hour inside the pocket of its happy owner, he almost wished that he was rich enough to buy it. But what were even gold and silver, precious stones and clockwork, to the book shops, whence a pleasant smell of paper freshly pressed came issuing forth, awakening instant recollections of some new grammar had at school, long time ago, with, " Master Pinch, Grove House Academy," inscribed in faultless writing on the fly-leaf. That whiff of Russia leather, too, and all those rows on rows of volumes, neatly ranged within ; what happiness did they suggest! And in the window were the spick and span new works from London, with the title pages and sometimes even the first page of the first chapter, laid wide open ; tempting unwary men to begin to read the book, and then, in the impossibility of turning over, to rush blindly in and buy it ! Here too were the dainty frontispiece and trim vignette, pointing like hand- posts on the outskirts of great cities, to the rich stock of incident beyond ; and stores of books with many a grave portrait and time-honored name, whose matter he knew well, and would have given mines to have, in any form, upon the narrov/ shelf beside his bed at Mr. Pecksniff's. What a heart- breaking shop it was! There was another ; not quite so bad at first, but still a trying shop ; where children's books were sold, and where poor Robinson Crusoe stood alone in his might, with dog and hatchet, goat-skin cap and fowling-pieces ; calmly sur- veying Philip Quarll and a host of imitators round him, and calling Mr. Pinch to witness that he, of all the crowd, impressed one solitary foot-print on the shore of boyish memory, whereof the tread of generations should not stir the lightest grain of sand. And there too were the Persian tales, with flying chests, and students of enchanted books shut up for years in caverns ; and there too was Abudah, ^o MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. the merchant, with a terrible little woman hobbling out of ^he box in his bedroom ; and there the mighty talisman, the rare Arabian Nights, with Cassim Baba, divided by four, (ike the ghost of a dreadful sum, hanging up, all gor}-, in the vobbers' cave. Which matchless wonders, coming fast on Mr. Pinch's mind, did so rub up and chafe that wonderful (amp within him, that Vv^hen he turned his face toward the busy street, a crowd of phantoms waited on his pleasure, and he lived again, with new delight, the happy days before the Pecksniff era. He had less interest now in the chemists' shops, with their great glowing bottles (with smaller repositories of brightness in their very stoppers); and in their agreeable compromises between medicine and perfumery, in the shape of toothsome lozenges and virgin honey. Neither had he the least regard (but he never had much) for the tailors', where the newest metropolitan waistcoat patterns were hanging up, which by some strange transformation always looked amazing there, and never appeared at all like the same thing anywhere else. But he stopped to read the playbill at the theater, and surveyed the doorway with a kind of awe, which was not diminished when a sallow gentleman with long dark hair came out, and told a boy to run home to his lodging and bring down his broadsword. Mr. Pinch stood rooted to the spot on hearing this, and might have stood there until dark, but that the old cathedral bell began to ring for vesper serv- ice, on which he tore himself away. Now, the organist's assistant was a friend of Mr. Pinch's, which was a good thing, for he too was a very quiet gentle soul, and had been, like Tom, a kind of old-fashioned boy at school, though well-liked by the noisy fellows too. As good luck would have it (Tom always said he had great good luck) the assistant chanced that very afternoon to be on duty by himself, with no one in the dusty organ loft but .Tom ; so while he played, Tom helped him with the stops ; and finally, the service being just over, Tom took the organ himself. It was then turning dark, and the yellow light that streamed in through the ancient windows in the choir was mingled with a murky red. As the grand tones resounded through the church they seemed, to Tom, to find an echo in the depth of every ancient tomb, no less than in the deep mystery of his own heart. Great thouglits and hopes came crowding on his mind as the rich music rolled upon the air, and yet among them — something more grave and solemn in their purpose, but the MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 8i same — were all the images of that day, down to its very light- est recollection of childhood. The feeling that the sounds awakened, in the moment of their existence, seemed to include his whole life and being; and as the surrounding realities of stone and wood and glass grew dimmer in the darkness, these visions grew so much the brighter tliat Tom might have forgotten the new pupil and the expectant mas- ter, and have sat there pouring out his grateful heart till mid- night, but for a very earthly old verger insisting on locking up the cathedral forthwith. So he took leave of his friend, with many thanks, groped his way out, as well as he could, into the now lamp-lighted streets, and hurried off to get his dinner. All the farmers being by this time jogging homewards, there was nobody in the sanded parlor of the tavern where he had left the horse: so he had his little table drawn out close before the fire, and fell to work on a well-cooked steak and smoking hot potatoes, with a strong appreciation of their excellence, and a very keen sense of enjoyment. Beside him too, there stood a jug of most stupendous Wiltshire beer; and the effect of the Avhole was so transcendant, that he was obliged every now and then to lay down his knife and fork, rub his hands, and think about it. By the time the cheese and celery came, Mr. Pinch had taken a book out of his pocket, and could afford to trifle with the viands; now eating a little, now drinking a little, now reading a little, and now stopping to wonder what sort of a young man the new pupil would turn out to be. He had passed from this latter theme and was deep in his book again, when the door opened, and another guest came in, bringing with him such a quantity of cold air, that he positively seemed at first to put the fire out. " Very hard frost to-night, sir," said the new-comer, cour- teously acknowledging Mr. Pinch's withdrawal of the little table, that he might have place. " Don't disturb yourself, I beg-" Though he said this with a vast amount of consideration for Mr. Pinch's comfort, he dragged one of the great leather- bottomed chairs to the very center of the hearth, notwith- standing; and sat down in front of the fire, with a foot on each hob. *' My feet are quite numbed. Ah! Bitter ccld to be sure." " You have been in the air some considerable time, I dare say? " said Mr. Pinch. 82 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " All day. Outside a coach, too." " That accounts for his making the room so cool," thouglxt Mr. Pinch. '^ Poor fellow! How thoroughly chilled he must be! " The stranger became thoughtful likewise, and sat for five or ten minutes looking at the fire in silence. At length he rose and divested himself of his shawl and great coat, which (far different from Mr. Pinch's) was a very warm and thick one ; but he was not a whit more conversational out of his great coat than in it, for he sat down again in the same place and attitude, and leaning back in his chair began to bite his nails. He was young — one-and twenty — perhaps — handsome, with a keen dark eye, and a quickness of look and manner which made Tom sensible of a great contrast in his own bearing, and caused him to be even more shy than usual. There was a clock in the room which the stranger often turned to look at. Tom made frequent reference to it also; partly from a nervous sympathy with its taciturn compan- ion and partly because the new pupil was to inquire for him at half after six, and the hands were getting on toward that hour. Whenever the stranger caught him looking at this clock, a kind of confusion came upon Tom as if he had been found out at something; and it was a perception of his uneasiness which caused the younger man to say, perhaps, with a smile : '' We both appear to be rather particular about the time. The fact is, I have an engagement to meet a gentleman here." " So have I," said Mr. Pinch. "At half-past six," said the stranger. " At half-past six," said Tom in the very same breath; whereupon the other looked at him with some surprise. *" The young gentleman I expect," remarked Tom, timidly, " was to inquire at that time for a person by the name of Pinch." " Dear me ! " cried the other, jumping up. " And I have been keeping the fire from you all this while! I had no idea you were Mr. Pinch. I am the Mr. Martin for whom you were to inquire. Pray excuse me. How do you do? Oh, do draw nearer, pray! " " Thank you," said Tom, *' thank you. I am not at all cold; and you are; and we have a cold ride before us. Well, if you wish it, I will. I — I am very glad," said Tom, smiling MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 83 with an embarrassed frankness peculiarly his, and which was as plainly a confession of his own imperfections, and an appeal to the kindness of the person he addressed, as if he had drawn one up in simple language and committed it tt) paper; " I am very glad, indeed, that you turn out to be the party I expected. I was thinking, but a minute ago, that I could wish him to be like you." " I am very glad to hear it," returned Martin, shaking hands with him again ; '^ for I assure you, I was thinking there could be no such luck as Mr. Pinch's turning out like you." ** No really ! " said Tom, with great pleasure. " Are you serious ? " " Upon my word I am," replied his new acquaintance. " You and I will get on excellently well, I know ; which it's no small relief to me to feel, for to tell you the truth, I am not at all the sort of fellow who could get on with every body, and that's the point on VN^hich I had the greatest doubts. But they're quite relieved now. — Do me the favor to ring the bell, will you?" Mr. Pinch rose, and complied with great alacrity — the handle hung just over Martin's head, as he warmed himself — and listened with a smiling face to what his friend went on to say. It was: " If you like punch, you'll allow me to order a glass a-piece as hot as it can be made, that we may usher in our friendship in a becoming manner. To let you into a secret, Mr. Pinch, I never was so much in want of something warm and cheering in my life ; but I didn't like to run the chance of being found drinking it, without knowing what kind of person you were ; for first impressions, you know, often go a long way, and last a long time." Mr. Pinch assented, and the punch was ordered. In due course it came ; hot and strong. After drinking to each other in the steaming mixture, they became quite confi- dential. " I'm a sort of relation of Pecksniff's, you know," said the young man. " Indeed ! " cried Mr. Pinch. " Yes. My grandfather is his cousin, so he's kith and kin to me, somehow, if you can make that out. / can't." " Then Martin is your Christian name ? " said Mr. Pinch, thoughtfully. " Oh ! " *' Of course it is," returned his friend; " I wish it was my 84 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. surname, for my own is not a very pretty one, and it takes a long time to sign. Chuzzlewit is rny name." " Dear me ! " cried Mr. Pinch, with an involuntary start. " You're not surprised at my having two names, I sup- pose ?" returned the other, setting his glass to his lips. " Most people have." " Oh, no," said Mr Pinch, '' not at all. Oh dear no ! Well ! " And then remembering tlu^t Mr. Pecksniff had pri- vately cautioned him to say nothing in reference to the old gentleman of the same name who had lodged at the Dragon, but to reserve all mention of that person for lum, iie had no better means of hiding his confusion, than by raising his own glass to his mouth. They looked at each other out of their respective tumblers for a few seconds, and then put them down empty. " I told them in the stable to be ready for us ten minutes ago," said Mr. Pinch, glancing at the clock again. *' Shall we go ? " " If you please," returned the other. *' Would you like to drive ? " said Mr. Pinch ; his whole face beaming with a consciousness of the splendor of his offer. " You shall, if you wish." " Why, that depends, Mr. Pinch," said Martin, laughing, " upon what sort of horse you have. Because if he's a bad one, I would rather keep my hands warm by holding them comfortably in my great coat pockets." He appeared to think this such a good joke, that Mr. PincVi was quite sure it must be a capital one. Accordingly he laughed too, and was fully pursuaded that he enjoyed it very much. Then he settled his bill, and Mr. Chuzzlewit paid for the punch; and having wrapped themselves up, to the extent of their respective means, they went out together to the front door, where Mr. Pecksniff's property stopped the way. " I won't drive, thank you, Mr. Pinch," said Martin get- ting into the sitter's place. " By-the-by, there's a box of mine. Can we manage to take it ? " '' Oh, certainly," said Tom. " Put it in, Dick, any- where ! " It was not precisely of that convenient size which would admit of its being squeezed into an odd corner, but Dick the hostler got it in someliow, and Mr. Chuzzlewit helped him. It was all on Mr. Pinch's side, and Mr. Chuzzlewit said he was very much afraid it would encumber him ; to which Tom MARTIN CHUZZLEVVIT. 85 said, '' Not at all ; " though it forced him into such an awkward position that he had much ado to see any thing but his own knees. But it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good; and the wisdom of the saying was verified in this in- stance ; for the cold air came from Mr. Pinch's side of the carriage, and by interposing a perfect w^all of box and man between it and the new pupil, he shielded that young gentle- man effectually; which was a great comfort. It was a clear evening, with a bright moon. The whole landscape was silvered by its light and by the hoar-frost; and every thing looked exquisitely beautiful. At first the great serenity and peace through which they traveled dis- posed them both to silence; but in a very short time the punch within them and the healthful air without made them loquacious, and they talked incessantly. When they were half-way home, and stopped to give the horse some water, Martin (who was very generous v/ith his money) ordered another glass of punch, which they drank between them, and which had not the effect of making them less conversa- tional than before. Their principal topic of discourse was naturally Mr. Pecksniff and his family; of whom, and of the great obligations they had heaped upon him, Tom Pinch, with the tears standing in his eyes, drew such a picture as v/ould have inclined any one of common feeling almost to revere them ; and of which Mr. Pecksniff had not the slight- est foresight or preconceived idea, or he certainly (being very humble) would not have sent Tom Pinch to bring the pupil home. In this way they went on, and on, and on — in the lan- guage of the story-books — until at last the village lights appeared before them, and the church spire cast a long reflection on the grave-yard grass; rs if it were a dial (alas, the truest in the vv'orld!) marking, whatever light shone out of heaven, the flight of days and weeks and years, by some new shadow on that solemn ground. "A pretty church! " said Martin, observing that his com- panion slackened the slack pace of the horse as they approached. " Is it not ? " cried Tom, with great pride. '' There's the sweetest little organ there vou ever heard. I play it for them." ** Indeed ? " said Martin. " It's hardly worth the trouble, i should think. What do you get for that, now ? " " Nothing," answered Tom. S6 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. "Well," returned his friend, "you are a very strange fel- low! " To which remark there succeeded a brief silence. " When I say nothing," observed Mr, Pinch, cheerfully, " I am wrong, and don't say what I mean, because I get a great deal of pleasure from it, and the means of passing some of the happiest hours I know. It led to something else the other day; but you will not care to hear about that, I dare say ? ** " Oh, yes, I shall. What ? " " It led to my seeing," said Tom, in a lower voice, *'one of the loveliest and most beautiful faces you can possibly picture to yourself." "And yet I am able to picture a beautiful one," said his friend, thoughtfully, '' or should be, if I have any mem- ory." " She came," said Tom, laying his hand upon the other's arm, " for the first time, very early in the morning, when it was hardly light; and when I saw her, over my shoulder, standing just within the porch, I turned quite cold, almost believing her to be a spirit. A moment's reflection got the better of that, of course, and fortunately it came to my relief so soon, that I didn't leave off playing." " Why fortunately ? " " Why ? Because she stood there, listening. I had my spectacles on, and saw her through the chinks in the cur- tains as plainly as I see you; and she was beautiful. After a while she glided off, and I continued to play until she was out of hearing." " Why did you do that ? " " Don't you see ? " responded Tom. *' Because she might suppose I hadn't seen her, and might return." "And did she?" " Certainly she did Next morning, and nejrt evening, too;but always when there were no people about, and always alone. I rose early and sat there later, that when she came she might find the church door open, and the organ playing, and might not be disappointed. She strolled that way for some days, and always staid to listen. But she is gone nov>', and of all unlikely things in this wide world it is perhaps the most improbable that I shall ever look upon her face again." " You don't know any thing more about her ? " "No." MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 87 " And you never followed her when she went away ? " " Why should I distress her by doing that ? " said Tom Pinch, " Is it likely that she wanted ?ny company ? She came to hear the organ, not to see me; and would you have had me scare her from a place she seemed to grow quite fond of ? Now, heaven bless her! " cried Tom, '' to have given her but a minute's pleasure every day, I would have gone on playing the organ at those times until I was an old man; quite contented if she sometimes thought of a poor fellow like me, as a part of the music; and more than recom- pensed if she ever mixed me up with any thing she liked as well as she liked that! " The new pupil was clearly very much amazed by Mr, Pinch's weakness, and would probably have told him so, and given him some good advice, but for their opportune arrival at ?\Ir. Pecksniff's door; the front door this time, on account of the occasion being one of ceremony and rejoicing. The same man was in waiting for the horse who had been adjured by Mr. Pinch in the morning not to yield to his rabid desire to start; and after delivering the animal into his charge, and beseeching Mr. Chuzzlewit in a whisper never to reveal a syllable of what he had just told him in the fullness of his heart, Tom led the pupil in, for instant pre- sentation. Mr, Pecksniff had clearly not expected them for hours to come; for he was surrounded by open books, and v/as glancing from volume to volume, with a black lead pencil in his mouth, and a pair of compasses in his hand, at a vast number of mathematical diagrams, of such extraordinary shapes that they looked like designs for fireworks. Neither had Miss Charity expected them, for she was busied, with a capacious wicker basket before her, in making impracticable nightcaps for the poor. Neither had Miss Mercy expected them, for she Vv^as sitting upon her stool, tying on the — oh, good gracious! — the petticoat of a large doll that she was dressing for a neighbor's child; really quite a grown-up doll, which made it more confusing; and had its little bonnet dangling by the ribbon from one of her fair curls, to which she had fastened it, lest it should be lost, or sat upon. It would be difficult, if not impossible, to conceive a family so thoroughly taken by surprise as the Pecksniffs were on this occasion, " Bless my life! " said Mr, Pecksniff, looking up, and grad- ually exchanging his abstracted face for one of joyful recogni- 88 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. tion. ** Here already! Martin, my dear boy, I am delighted to welcome you to my poor house! " With this kind greeting, Mr. Pecksniff fairly took him to his arms, and patted him several times upon the back with his right hand the while, as if to express that his feelings during the embrace were too much for utterance. " But here," he said, recovering, " are my daughters, Mar- tin; my two only children, whom (if you ever saw them) you have not beheld — ah, these sad family divisions! — since you were infants together. Nay, my dears, why blush at being detected in your every day pursuits? We had prepared to give you the reception of a visitor, Martin, in our little room of state," said Mr. Pecksniff, smiling, "but I like this better, I like this better! " Oh, blessed star of innocence, wherever you may be, how did you glitter in your home of ether, when the two Miss Pecksniffs put forth, each her lily hand, and gave the same, with mantling cheeks, to Martin! How did you tv>'inkle, as if fluttering with sympathy, when Mercy, reminded of the bonnet in her hair, hid her fair face and turned her head aside; the while her gentle sister plucked it out, and smote her, with a sister's soft reproof, upon her buxom shoul- der! " x\nd how," said Mr. Pecksniff, turning around after the contemplation of these passages, and taking Mr. Pinch in a friendly manner by tiie elbow, *' how has our friend here used you, Martin? " " Very well, indeed, sir. We are on the best terms, I assure you." " Old Tom Pinch! " said Mr. Pecksniff, looking on him with affectionate sadness. "Ah! It seems but yesterday that Thomas was a boy, fresh from a scliolastic course. Yet years have passed, I think, since Thomas Pinch and I first walked the world together! " Mr. Pinch could say nothing. He was too much moved. But he pressed his master's hand, and tried to thank him. "And Thomas Pinch and I," said Mr. Pecksniff, in a deeper voice, " will walk it yet, in mutual faithfulness and friendshi})! And if it comes to pass that either of us be run over, in any of those l)usy crossings which di\'ide the streets of life, the other will convey hnn to the hos})ital in hope, and sit beside his bed in bounty! " " Well, well, well! " he added in a happier tone, as he shook MARTIN CHUZZLEVVIT. 89 Mr. Pinch's elbow, hard. " No more of this! Martin, my dear friend, that you may be at home witliin these walls, let me shov/ you how we live, and where. Come! " With that he took up a lighted candle, and, attended by his young relative, prepared to leave the room. At the door he stopped. *' You'll bear us company, Tom Pinch?" Ay, cheerfully, though it had been to death, would Tom have followed him; glad to lay down his life for such a man " This," said Mr. Pecksniff, opening the door of an oppo- site parlor, " is the little room of state I mentioned to you. My girls have pride in it, Martin ! This," opening another door, " is the little chamber in which my works (slight things at best) have been concocted. Portrait of myself by Spiller. Bust by Spoker. The latter is considered a good likeness. 1 seem to recognize something about the left-hand corner of the nose, myself." Martin thought it was very like, but scarcely intellectual enough. Mr. Pecksniff observed that the same fault had been found with it before. It was remarkable it should have struck his young relation too. Pie was glad to see he had an eye for art. '' Various books you observe," said Mr. Pecksniff, waving his hand toward the wall, " connected with our pursuit. I have scribled myself, but have not yet published. Be care- ful how you come up-stairs. " This," opening another door, *' is my chamber. I read here when the family suppose I have retired to rest. Sometimes I injure my health, rather more than I can quite justify myself by doing so ; but art is long and time is short. Every facility you see for jotting down crude notions, even here." These latter words were explained by his pointing to a small round table on which were a lamp, divers sheets of paper, a piece of India rubber, and a case of instruments ; all put ready, in case an architectural idea should come into Mr. Pecksniff's head in the night, in which event he would instantly leap out of bed, and fix it forever. Mr. Pecksniff opened another door on the same floor, and shut it again, all at once, is if it were a blue chamber. But before he had well done so, he looked smilingly round, and said " Why not ? " Martin couldn't say why not, because he didn't know any thing at all about it. So Mr. Pecksniff answered himself, by throwing open the door and saying : 90 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " My daughters' room. A poor first floor to us, but a bower to them. Very neat. Very airy. Plants you observe, hyacinths ; books again ; birds." These birds, by-the-by, comprised, in all, one staggering old sparrow without a tail, which had been borrowed expressly from the kitchen. " Such trifles as girls love are here. Nothing more. Those who seek heartless splendor, seek here in vain." With that he led them to the floor above. ** This," said Mr. Pecksniff, throwing wide the door of the memorable two-pair front ; " is a room where some talent has been developed, I believe. This is a room in which an idea for a steeple occurred to me that I may one day give to the world. We work here, my dear Martin. wSome archi- tects have been bred in this room ; a few, I think, Mr. Pinch ? " Tom fully assented ; and what is more, fully believed it. " You see," said Mr. Pecksniff, passing the candle rapidly from roll to roll of paper, '' some traces of our doings here. Salisbury Cathedral from the north. From the south. From the east. From the west. From the south-east. From the nor'-west. A bridge. An alms-house. A jail. A church A powder-magazine. A wine cellar, A portico. A sum mer-house. An ice-house. Plans, elevations, sections, every kind of thing. And this," he added, having by this time reached another large chamber on the same story, with four little beds in it, " this is your room, of which Mr. Pinch here is the quiet sharer. A southern aspect; a charming prospect ; Mr. Pinch's little library, you perceive ; every thing agreeable and appropriate. If there is any additional comfort you would desire to have here at any time, pray mention it. Even to strangers, far less to you, my dear Martin, there is no restriction on that point." It was undoubtedly true, and may be stated in corrobora- tion of Mr. Pecksniff, that any pupil had the most liberal permission to mention any thing in this way that suggested itself to his fancy. Some young gentlemen had gone on mentioning the very same thing for five years without ever being stopped. " The domestic assistants," said Mr. Pecksniff, " sleep above ; and that is all." After which, and listening compla- cently as he went, to the encomiums, passed by his young friend on the arrangements generally, he led the way to the parlor again. Here a great change had taken place ; for festive prepara- MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 91 tions on a rather extensive scale were already completed, and the two Miss Pecksniffs were awaiting their return with hos- pitable looks. There were two bottles of current wine, white and red ; a dish of sandwiches (very long and very slim) ; another of apples ; another of captain's biscuits (which are always a moist and jovial sort of viand) ; a plate of oranges cut up small and gritty ; with powdered sugar, and a highly geological home-made cake. The magnitude of these prepara- tions quite took away Tom Pinch's breath ; for though the new pupils were usually let down softly, as one may say, particularly in the wine department, which had so many stages of declension, that sometimes a young gentleman was -a whole fortnight in getting to the pump; still this was a banquet ; a sort of lord mayor's feast in private life ; a something to think of, and hold on by, afterward. To this entertainment, which apart from its own intrinsic merits had the additional choice quality, that it was in strict keeping with the night, being both light and cool, Mr. Pecksniff besought the company to do full justice. " Martin," he said, " will seat himself between you two, my dears, and Mr. Pinch will come by me. Let us drink to our new inmate, and may we be happy together ! Martin, my dear friend, my love to you ! Mr. Pinch, if you spare the bottle we shall quarrel." And trying (in his regard for the feelings of the rest) to look as if the wine were not acid and didn't make him wink, Mr. Pecksniff did honor to his own toast. " This," he said, in allusion to the party, not the wine, "is a mingling that repays one for much disappointment and vexation. Let us be merry." Here he took a captain's biscuit. " It is a poor heart that never rejoices ; and our hearts are not poor. No ! " With such stimulants to merriment did he beguile the time, and do the honors of the table ; while Mr. Pinch, per- haps to assure himself that what he saw and heard was holi- day reality, and not a charming dream, ate of every thing, and in particular disposed of the slim sandwiches to a surpris- ing extent. Nor was he stinted in his draughts of wine; but on the contrary, remembering Mr. Pecksniff's speech, attacked the bottle with such vigor, that every time he filled his glass anew, Miss Charity, despite her amiable resolves, could not repress a fixed and stony glare, as if her eyes had rested on a ghost. Mr. Pecksniff also became thoughtful at those moments, not to say dejected ; but as he knew ^4ift 92 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. vintage, it is very likely he may have been speculating on the probable condition of Mr. Pinch upon the morrow, and discussing with himself the best remedies for colic. Martin and the young ladies were excellent friends already, and compared recollections of their childish days, to their mutual liveliness and entertainment. Miss Mercy laughed immensely at everything that was said; and sometimes, after glancing at the happy face of Mr. Pinch, was seized v/ith such fits of mirth as brought her to the very confines of hysterics. But for these bursts of gayety, her sister, in her better sense, reproved her ; observing, in an angry whisper, that it was far from being a theme for jest ; and that she had no patience with the creature ; though, it generally ended in her laughing too — but much more moderately — and saying that indeed it was a little too ridiculous and intolerable to be serious about. At length it became high time to remember the first clause of that great discovery made by the ancient philos- pher, for securing health, riches, and wisdom ; the infalli- bility of which has been for generations verified by the enormous fortunes constantly amassed by chimney-sweepers and other persons who get up early and go to bed betimes. The young ladies accordingly rose, and having taken leave of Mr. Chuzzlewit with much sweetness, and of their father with much duty, and Mr. Pinch with much condescension, retired to their bower. Mr. Pecksniff insisted on accom- panying his young friend up-stairs, for personal superintend- ence of his comforts; and taking him by the a,rm, conducted him once more to his bed-room, followed by Mr. Pinch, who bore the light. " Mr. Pinch," said Pecksniff, seating himself with folded arms on one of the spare beds, " I don't see any snuffers in that candlestick. Will you oblige me by going down, and asking for a pair ? " Mr. Pinch, only too happy to be useful, went off directly. " You will excuse Thomas Pinch's want of polish, Martin," said Mr. Pecksniff, with a smile of patronage and pity, as soon as he had left the room. " He means well." " He is a very good fellow, sir." '' Oh, yes," said Mr. Pecksniff. "Yes. Thomas Pinch means well. He is very grateful. I have never regretted having befriended Thomas Pinch." ''I should think you never would, sir." " No," said Mr. Pecksniff. " No. I hope not. J\)or fel- MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 93 low, he is always disposed to do his best ; but he is not gifted. You will make him useful to you, Martin, if you please. If Thomas has a fault, it is that he is sometimes a little apt to forget his position. But that is soon checked. Worthy soul ! You will find him easy to manage. Good- night ! " '' Good-night, sir." By this time Mr. Pinch had reti^rned with the snuffers. " And good-night to you, Mr. Pinch," said Pecksniff. *'And sound sleep to you both. Bless you ! Bless you ! " Invoking this benediction on the heads of his young friends with great fervor, he withdrew to his own room ; while they, being tired, soon fell asleep. If Martin dreamed at all, some clew to the matter of his visions may possibly be gathered from the after-pages of this history. Those of Thomas Pinch were all of holidays, church organs, and seraphic Pecksniffs. It was some time before Mr. Pecksniff dreamed at all, or even sought his pillow, as he sat for full two hours before the fire in his ov/n chamber looking at the coals and thinking deeply. But he, too, slept and dreamed at last. Thus in the quiet hours of the night, one house shuts in as many incoherent and incongruous fancies as a madman's head. CHAPTER VI. COMPRISES, AMONG OTHER IMPORTANT MATTERS, PECK- SNIFFIAN AND ARCHITECTURAL, AN EXACT RELATION OF THE PROGRESS MADE BY MR. PINCH IN THE CONFI- DENCE AND FRIENDSHIP OF THE NEW PUPIL. It was morning ; and the beautiful Aurora, of whom so much has been written, said, and sung, did, v/ith her rosy fingers, nip and tweak Miss Pecksniff's nose. It was the frolicsome custom of the goddess in her intercourse with the fair Cherry so to do : or in more prosaic phrase, the tip of that feature in the sweet girl's countenance, was always very red at breakfast- time. For the most part, indeed, it wore, at that season of the day, a scraped and frosty look, as if it had been rasped ; while a similar phenomenon developed itself in her humor, which was then observed to be of a sharp and acid quality, as though an extra lemon (figuratively speaking) had been squeezed into the nectar of her disposition, and had rather damaged its flavor. 94 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. This additional pungency on the part of the fair young creature, led on ordinary occasions, to such slight conse- quences as the copious dilution of Mr. Pinch's tea, or to his coming off uncommonly short in respect of butter, or to other the like results. But on the morning after the installation banquet, she suffered him to wander to and fro among the eatables and drinkables, a perfectly free and unchecked man ; so utterly to Mr. Pinch'^ wonder and confusion that like the wretched captive who recovered his liberty in his old age, he could make but little use of his enlargement, and fell into a strange kind of flutter f'or^want of some kind hand to scrape his bread, and cut him off in the article of sugar with a lump, and pay him those other little attentions to which he was accustomed. There was something almost awful, too, about the self-possession of the new pupil ; who " troubled " Mr, Pecksniff for the loaf, and helped himself to a rasher of that gentleman's own particular and private bacon, with all the coolness in life. He even seemed to think that he was doing quite a regular thing, and to expect that Mr. Pinch would follow his example, since he took occasion to observe of that young man ^' that he didn't get on ; " a speech of so tremendous a character, that Tom cast down his eyes invol- untarily, and felt as if he himself had committed some horri- ble deed and- heinous breach of Mr. Pecksniff's confidence. Indeed, the agony of having such an indiscreet remark addressed to him before the assembled family, was breakfast enough in itself, and would, w^ithout any other matter of reflection, have settled Mr. Pinch's business and quenched his appetite for one meal, though he had been never so hungry. The young ladies, however, and Mr. Pecksniff likewise, remained in the very best of spirits in spite of these severe trials, though with something of a mysterious understanding among themselves. When the meal was nearly over, Mr. Pecksniff smilingly explained the cause of their common satisfaction. " It is not often," he said, "Martin, that my daughters and I desert our quiet home to pursue the giddy round of pleasures that revolves abroad. But we think of doing so to-day." '* Indeed, sir ! " cried the new pupil. "Yes," said Mr. Pecksniff, tapping his left hand with a letter which he held in his right. " I have a summons here to repair to London ; on professional business, my dear MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 95 Martin ; strictly on professional business ; and I promised m/ girls, long ago, that whenever that happened again, they should accompany me. We shall go forth to-night by the heavy coach — like the dove of old, my dear Martin — and it will be a week before we again deposit our olive-branches in the passage. When I say olive branches." observed Mr. Pecksniff in explanation, " I mean our unpretending lug- g^^"-" . ..... " I hope the young ladies will enjoy their trip," said Mar- tin. " Oh! that I'm sure we shall I " cried Mercy, clapping her hands. *' Good gracious, Cherry, my darling, the idea of LondonI " "Ardent child! " said Mr. Pecksniff, gazing on her in a dreamy way. *'And yet there is a melancholy sweetness in these youthful hopes! It is pleasant to know that they never can be realized. I remember thinking once myself, in the days of my childhood, that pickled onions grew on trees, and that every elephant was born with an impregnable castle on his back. I have not found the fact to be so; far from it; and yet those visions have comforted me under circum- stances of trial. Even when I have had the anguish of dis- covering that I have nourished in my breast an ostrich, and not a human pupil; even in that hour of agony they have soothed me." At this dread allusion to John Westlock, Mr. Pinch pre- cipitately choked in his tea; for he had that very morning received a letter from him, as Mr. Pecksniff very well knew. " You will take care, my dear Martin," said Mr. Peck- sniff, resuming his former cheerfulness, " that the house does not run away in our absence. We leave you in charge of ever}- thing. There is no mystery; all is free and open. Unlike the young man in the eastern tale — vrho is described as a one-eyed almanac, if I am not mistaken, Mr. Pinch ? '* " A one-eyed calendar, I think, sir," faltered Tom. " They are pretty nearly the same thing, I believe," said Mr. Pecksniff, smiling compassionately; "or they used to be in my time. Unlike that young man, my dear Martin, you are forbidden to enter no corner of this house, but are requested to make yourself perfectly at home in every part of it. You will be jovial, my dear Martin, and will kill the fatted calf if you please! " There was not the least objection, doubtless, to the young man's slaughtering and appropriating to his own use any calf. 96 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. fat or lean, that he might happen to find upon the premises; but as no such animal chanced at that time to be grazing on Mr. Pecksniff's estate, this request must be considered rather as a polite compliment than a substantial hospitality. It was the finishing ornament of the conversation; for when he had delivered it Mr. Pecksniff rose, and led the way to that hot- bed of architectural genius, the two-pair front. " Let me see," he said, searching among the papers, "how you can best employ yourself, Martin, while I am absent. Suppose you were to give me your idea of a monument to a lord mayor of London; or a tomb for a sheriff; or your motion of a eoAv-house to be erected in a nobleman's park. Do you know, now," said Mr. Pecksniff, folding his hands, and looking at his young relation with an air of pensive interest, " that I should very much like to see your notion of a cow-house ? " But Martin by no means appeared to relish this sugges- tion. " A pump," said Mr. Pecksniff, " is very chaste practice. I have found that a lamp-post is calculated to refine the mina and give it a classical tendency. An ornamental turnpike has a remarkable effect upon the imagination. What dc you say to beginning with an ornamental turnpike ? " " Whatever Mr. Pecksniff pleased," said Martin, doubt- fully. "Stay,'* said that gentleman. "Come! as you're ambi- tious, and are a very neat draughtsman, you shall — ha, ha! — you shall try your hand on these proposals for a grammar- school; regulating your plan, of course, by the printed par- ticulars. Upon my word, now," said Mr. Pecksniff, merrily, " I shall be very curious to see what you make of the gram- mar-school. Who knows but a young man of your taste might hit upon something, impracticable and unlikely in itself, but which I could put into shape ? For it really is, my dear Martin, it really is in the finishing touches alone that great experience and long study in these matters tell. Ha, ha, ha! Now it really will be," continued Mr. Peck- sniff, clapping his young friend on the back in his droll humor, " an amusement to me, to see what you make of the grammar-school." Martin readily undertook this task, and Mr. Pecksniff forthwith proceeded to entrust him with the materials neces- sary for its execution; dwelling meanwhile on the magical effect of a few finishing touches from the hand of a master; MARTIN CKUZZLEWIT. 9) nrhichj indeed, as some people said (and these were the old enemies again!) was unquestionably very surprising, and almost miraculous; as there were cases on record in which the masterly introduction of an additional back window, or a kitchen door, or half-a-dozen steps, or even a water spout, had made the design of a pupil Mr. Pecksniff's own work, and had brought substantial rewards into that gentleman's pocket. But such is the magic of genius, which changes all it handles into gold ! " When your mind requires to be refreshed, by change of occupation," said Mr. Pecksniff, " Thomas Pinch will instruct you in the art of surveying the back garden, or in ascertaining the dead level of the road between this house and the finger-post, or in any other practical and pleasing pursuit. There are a cart-load of loose bricks, and a score or two of old flower-pots, in the back yard. If you could pile them up, my dear Martin, into any form which would jemind me on my return, say of St. Peter's at Rome, or the mosque of St. Sophia at Constantinople, it would be at once improving to you and agreeable to my feelings. And now," said Mr. Pecksniff, in conclusion, '' to drop, for the present, our professional relations and advert to private matters, I shall be glad to talk with you in m.y own room, while I pack up my portmanteau." Martin attended him; and they remained in secret confer- ence together for an hour or more; leaving Tom Pinch alone. When the young man returned, he was very taciturn and dull, in which state he remained all day; so that Tom, after trying him once or twice with indifferent conversation, felt a delicacy in obtruding himself upon his thoughts, and said no more. He would not have had leisure to say much, had his new friend been ever so loquacious; for first of all Mr. Pecksniff called him down to stand upon the top of his portmanteau and represent ancient statues there, until such time as it would consent to be locked; and then Miss Charity called him to come and cord her trunk; and then Miss Mercy sent for him to come and mend her box; and then he wrote the fullest possible cards for all the luggage; and then he volun- teered to carry it all down stairs; and after that to see it safely carried on a couple of barrows to the old finger-post at the end of the lane; and then to mind it till the coach came up. In short, his day's work would have been a pretty heavy one for a porter, but his thoromgh good-will made 98 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. nothing of it; and as he sat upon the luggage at last, waiting for the Pecksniffs, escorted by the new pupil, to come down the lane, his heart was light with the hope of having pleased his benefactor, " I was almost afraid," said Tom, taking a letter from his pocket, and wiping his face, for he was hot with bustling about, though it was a cold day, '' that I shouldn't have had time to write it, and that would have been a thousand pities; postage from such a distance being a serious consideration, when one's not rich. She will be glad to see my hand, poor girl, and to hear that Pecksniff is as kind as ever. I would have asked John Westlock to call and see her, and tell her all about me by word of mouth, but I was afraid he might speak against Pecksniff to her, and make her uneasy. Besides, they are particular people where she is, and it might have rendered her situation uncomfortable if she had had a visit from a young man like John. Poor Ruth ! " Tom Pinch seemed a little disposed to be melancholy fg^r half a minute or so, but he found comfort very soon, and pursued his ruminations thus: " I'm a nice man, I don't think, as John used to say (John was a kind, merry-hearted fellow; I wish he had liked Peck- sniff better), to be feeling low, on account of the distance between us, when I ought to be thinking, instead, of my extraordinary good-luck in having ever got here. I must have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I am sure, to have ever come across Pecksniff. And here have I fallen again into my usual good luck with the new pupil ! Such an affable, generous, free fellow, as he is, I never saw. Why, we were companions directly ! and he a relation of Peck- sniff's too, and a clever, dashing youth who might cut his way through the world as if it wxre a cheese ! Here he comes while the words are on my lips," said Tom; '' walking down the lane as if the lane belonged to him." In truth, the new pupil, not at all disconcerted by the honor of having Miss Mercy Pecksniff on his arm, or by the affectionate adieux of that young lady, approached as Mr. Pinch spoke, followed by Miss Charity and Mr. Pecksniff. As the coach appeared at the same moment, Tom lost no time in entreating the gentleman last mentioned, to under- take the delivery of his letter. " Oh ! " said Mr. Pecksniff, glancing at the superscription. " For your sister, Thomas. Yes, oh yes, it shall be delivered, Mr. Pinch. Make your mind easy upon that score. She shall certainly have it, Mr, Pin' MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 99 He made the promise with so much condescension and patronage, that Tom felt he had asked a great deal (this had not occurred to his mind before), and thanked him earnestly. The Miss Pecksniffs, according to a custom they had, were amused beyond description, at the mention of Mr. Pinch's sister. Oh the fright ! The bare idea of a Miss Pinch ! Good heavens ! Tom was greatly pleased to see them so merry, for he took it as a token of their favor, and good-humored regard. Therefore he laughed too and rubbed his hands, and wished them a pleasant journey and safe return, and was quite brisk. Even when the coach had rolled away with the olive- branches in the boot and the family of doves inside, he stood waving his hand and bowing; so much gratified by the unusually courteous demeanor of the young ladies, that he was quite regardless, for the moment, of Martin Chuz- zlewit, who stood leaning thoughtfully against the finger- post, and who, after disposing of his fair charge, had hardly lifted his eyes from the ground. The perfect silence which ensued upon the bustle and departure of the coach, together with the sharp air of the wintry afternoon, roused them both at the same time. They turned, as by mutual consent, and moved off, arm-in-arm. . ''How melancholy you are!" said Tom "what is the matter? " "Nothing worth speaking of," said Martin. "Very little more than was the matter yesterday, and much more, I hope, than will be the matter to-morrow. I'm out of spirits, Pinch." " Well," cried Tom, " now do you know I am in capital spirits to-day, and scarcely ever felt more disposed to be good company. It was a very kind thing in your predecessor, John, to write to me, was it not? " " Why, yes," said Martin carelessly; *' I should have thought he would have had enough to do to enjoy himself, without thinking of you, Pinch." "Just what I felt to be so very likely ;" Tom rejoined; " but no, he keeps his word, and says, ' My dear Pinch, I often think of you,' and all sorts of kind and considerate things of that description." " He must be a devilish good-natured fellow," said Mar- tin somewhat peevishly; " because he can't mean that, you know." ** I don't suppose he can, eh? " said Tom, looking wist- ioo MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. fully in his companion's face. " He says so to please me, you think? " ** Why, is it likely," rejoined Martin, with greater earnest- ness, " that a young man newly escaped from this kennel of a place, and fresh to all the delights of being his own master in London, can have much leisure or inclination to think favorably of any thing or any body he has left behind him here? I put it to you. Pinch, is it natural?" After a short reflection, Mr. Pinch replied, in a more subdued tone, that to be sure it was unreasonable to expect any such thing, and that he had no doubt Martin knew best. " Of course I know best," Martin observed. " Yes, I feel that," said Mr. Pinch, mildly. " I said so." And when he had made this rejoinder, they fell into a blank silence again, which lasted until they reached home; by which time it was dark. Now, Miss Charity Pecksniff, in consideration of the inconvenience of carrying them with her in the coach, and the impossibility of preserving them by artificial means until the famaly's return, had set forth, in a couple of plates, the fragments of yesterday's feast. In virtue of which liberal arrangement, they had the happiness to find awaiting them In the parlor two chaotic heaps of the remains of last night's pleasure, consisting of certain filmy bits of oranges, some mummied sandwiches, various disrupted masses of the geological cake, and several entire captain's biscuits. That choice liquor in which to steep these dainties might not be wanting, the remains of the two bottles of currant wine had been poured together and corked with a curl-paper; so that every material was at hand for making quite a heavy night of it. Martin Chuzzlewit beheld these roystering preparations with infinite contempt, and stirring the fire into a blaze (to the great destruction of Mr. Pecksniff's coals), sat moodily down before it, in the most comfortable chair he could find. That he might the better squeeze himself into the small corner that was left for him, Mr. Pinch took up his position on Miss Mercy Pecksniff's stool, and setting his glass down upon the hearth-rug and putting his plate upon his knees, began to enjoy himself. If Diogenes coming to life again could have rolled himself, tub and all, into Mr. Pecksniffs parlor, and could have seen Tom Pinch as he sat on Mercy Pecksniff's stool, with his MARTIN CHUZZLF.WIT. loi plate and glass before him, he could not have faced it out, though in his surliest mood, but must have smiled good-tem- peredly. The perfect and entire satisfaction of Tom; his surpassing appreciation of the husky sandwiches, which crum- bled in his mouth like saw-dust ; the unspeakable relish with which he swallowed the thin, wine by drops, and smacked his lips, as though it were so rich and generous that to lose an atom of its fruity flavor were a sin ; the look with which he paused sometimes, with his glass in his hand, proposing silent toasts to himself ; and the anxious shade that came upon his contented face when after wandering round the room, exulting in its uninvaded snugness, his glance encountered the dull brow of his companion ; no cynic in the world, though in his hatred of its men a very griffin, could have withstood these things in Thomas Pinch. Some men would have slapped him on the back, and pledged him in a bumper of the currant wine, though it had been the sharpest vinegar — ay, and liked its flavor too ; some would have seized him by his honest hand, and thanked him for the lesson that his simple nature taught them. Some would have laughed with, and others would have laughed at him ; of which last class was Martin Chuzzlewit, who, unable to restrain himself, at last laughed loud and long. '' That's right," said Tom, nodding approvingly. " Cheer up ! That's capital ! " At which encouragement, young Martin laughed again ; and said, as soon as he had breath and gravity enough : " I never saw such a fellow as you are. Pinch." "Didn't you though?" said Tom. "Well, it's very likely you do find me strange, because I have hardly seen any thing of the world, and you have seen a good deal I dare say?" " Pretty well for my time of life," rejoined Martin, drawing his chair still nearer to the fire, and spreading his feet out on the fender. "Deuce take it, I must talk openly to somebody. I'll talk openly to you, Pinch." " Do ! " said Tom. " I shall take it as being very friendly of you." " I'm not in your way, am I ? " inquired Martin, glancing down at Mr. Pinch, who was by this time looking at the fire over his leg. " Not at all ! " cried Tom. " You must know then, to make short of a long story,*' said I02 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Martin, beginning with a kind of effort, as if the revelation were not agreeable to him ; " that I have been bred up from childhood with great expectations, and have alway;; been taught to believe that I should be, one day, very rich. So I should have been, but for certain brief reasons which I am going to tell you, and which have led to my being disin- herited " ** By your father ? " inquired Mr. Pinch, with open eyes. **Bymy grandfather. I have had no parents these many years. Scarcely within my remembrance." *' Neither have I," said Tom, touching the young man's hand with his own and timidly withdrawing it again. " Dear me!" " Why as to that you know, Pinch," pursued the other, stirring the fire again, and speaking in his rapid, off-hand way, " it's all very right and proper to be fond of parents when we have them, and to bear them in remembrance after they're dead, if you have ever known any thing of them. But as I never did know any thing about mine personally, you know, why 1 can't be expected to be very sentimental about 'em. And I am not ; that's the truth." Mr. Pinch was just then looking thoughtfully at the bars. But on his companion pausing in this place, he started, and said '* Oh ! of course," and composed himself to listen again. " In a word," said Martin, " I have been bred and reared all my life by this grandfather of whom I have just spoken. Now, he has a great many good points ; there is no doubt about that ; I'll not disguise the fact from you ; but he has two very great faults, which are the staple of his bad side. In the first place, he has the most confirmed obstinacy of character you ever met with in any human creature. In the second, he is most abominably selfish." " Is he indeed ? " cried Tom. " In those two respects," returned the other, " there never was such a man. I have often heard from those who know, that they have been, time out of mind, the failings of our family ; and I believe there's some truth in it. But I can't say of my own knowledge. All I have to do, you know, is to be very thankful that they haven't descended to me, and to be very careful that I don't contract 'em." ** To be sure, " said Mr. Pinch. " Very proper." ** Well, sir," resumed Martin, stirring the fire once more, and drawing his chair still closer to it, '' his selfishness makes MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 103 him exacting, you see ; and his obstinacy makes him resolute in his exactions. The consequence is that he has always exacted a great deal from me in the way of respect, and sub- mission, and self-denial when his wishes were in question, and so forth. I have borne a great deal from him, because I have been under obligations to him (if one can ever be said to be under obligations to one's own grandfather), and because I have been really attached to him ; but we have had a great many quarrels for all that, for I could not accommodate myself to his ways very often — not out of the least reference to myself, you understand, but because " he stammered here, and was rather at a loss. Mr. Pinch being about the worst man in the world to help any body out of a difficulty of this sort, said nothing. '' Well! as you understand me," resumed Martin, quickly, '* I needn't hunt for the precise expression I want. Now, I come to the cream of my story, and the occasion of my being here. I am in love. Pinch." Mr. Pinch looked up into his face with increased interest. ** I say I am in love. I am in love with one of the most beautiful girls the sun ever shone upon. But she is wholly and entirely dependent upon the pleasure of my grandfather ; and if he were to know that she favored my passion, she would lose her home and every thing she possesses in the world. There is nothing very selfish in that love, I think ?" " Selfish! " cried Tom. " You have acted nobly. To love her as I am sure you do, and yet in consideration for her state of dependence, not even to disclose " '' VVhat are you talking about. Pinch? " said Martin, pet- tishly ; '' don't make yourself ridiculous, my good fellow ! What do you mean by not disclosing ? " " I beg your pardon," answered Tom. "I thought you meant that, or I wouldn't have said it." " If I didn't tell her I loved her, where would be the use of my being in love ? " said Martin ; ** unless to keep myself in a perpetual state of worry and vexation ? " " That's true," Tom answered. "Well, I can guess what she said when you told her," he added, glancing at Martin's handsome face. "Why, not exactly. Pinch," he rejoined with a slight frown ; " because she has some girlish notions about duty and gratitude, and all the rest of it, which are rather hard to fathom; but in the main you are right. Her heart was mine, I found." 104 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. ** Just what I supposed," said Tom. "Quite natural ! '' and, in his great satisfaction, he took a long sip out of his wineglass. " Although I had conducted myself from the first with the utmost circumspection," pursued Martin, " 1 had not man- aged matters so well but that my grandfather, who is full of jealousy and distrust, suspected me of loving her. He said nothing to her, but straightway attacked me in private, and charged me with designing to corrupt the fidelity to himself (there you observe his selfishness), of a young creature whom he had trained and educated to be his only disinterested and faithful companion when he should have disposed of me in marriage to his heart's content. Upon that, I took fire imme- diately, and told him that with his good leave I would dispose of myself in marriage, and would rather not be knocked down by him or any other auctioneer to any bidder whom- soever." Mr. Pinch opened his eyes wider and looked at the fire harder than he had done yet. "You may be sure," said Martin, "that this nettled him, and that he began to be the very reverse of complimentary to myself. Interview succeeded interview; words engendered words, as they always do; and the upshot of it was, that I was to renounce her, or be renounced by him. Now you must bear in mind. Pinch, that I am not only desperately fond of her (for though she is poor, her beauty and intellect would reflect great credit on any body, I don't care of what pretensions, who might become her husband), but that a chief ingredient in my composition is a most determined — " " Obstinacy," suggested Tom in perfect good faith. But the suggestion was not so well received as he had expected, for the young man immediately rejoined, with some irritation: " What a fellow you are, Pinch ! " "I beg your pardon," said Tom, "I thought you wanted a word." " I didn't want that word," he rejoined. " I told you obstinacy was no part of my character, did I not ? I was going to say, if you had given m.e leave, that a chief ingre- dient in my composition is a most determined firmness." "Oh ! " cried Tom, screwing up his mouth, and nodding. " Yes, yes; I see ! " " And being firm," pursued Martin, "of course I was not going to yield to him, or give way by so much as the thou- sandth part of an inch." MARTIN CHUZZLEVVIT. 105 " No, no," said Tom. " On the contrary; the more he urged, the more I was determined to oppose him." *' To be sure! " said Tom. .• '' Very well," rejoined Martin, throwing himself back in his chair, with a careless wave of both hands, as if the sub- ject were quite settled, and nothing more could be said about it. '' There is an end of the matter and here am I!" Mr. Pinch sat staring at the fire for some minutes with a puzzled look, such as he might have assumed if some uncommonly difficult conundrum had been proposed, which he found it impossible to guess. At length he said: " Pecksniff, of course, you had known before? " *' Only by name. No, I had never seen him, for my grandfather kept not only himself but me, aloof from all his relations. But our separation took place in a town in the adjoining county. From that place I came to Salis- bury, and there I saw Pecksniff's advertisement, which I answered, having always had some natural taste, I believe, in the matters to which it referred, and thinking it might suit me. As soon as I found it to be his, I was doubly bent on coming to him if possible, on account of his being — " '' Such an excellent man," interposed Tom, rubbing his hands; " so he is. You were quite right." *' Why not so much on that account, if the truth must be spoken," returned Martin, *' as because my grandfather has an inveterate dislike to him, and after the old man's arbitrary treatment of me, I had a natural desire to run as directly counter to all his opinions as I could. Well! As I said before, here I am. My engagement with the young lady I have been telling you about, is likely to be a tolerably long one ; for neither her prospects, nor mine, are very bright ; and of course I shall not think of marrying until I am well able to do so. It would never do, you know, for me to be plunging myself into poverty and shabbiness and love in one room up three pair of stairs, and all that sort of thing." " To say nothing of her," remarked Tom Pinch, in a low voice, " Exactly so," rejoined Martin, rising to warm his back, and leaning against the chimney-piece. " To say nothing of her. At the same time, of course it's not very hard upon her to be obliged to yield to the necessity of the case ; first, because she loves me very much ; and secondly, because I io6 MARTIN CHUZZLEVVIT. have sacrificed a great deal on her account, and might have done much better, you know." It was a very long time before Tom said " Certainly," so long, that he might have taken a nap in the interval, but he did say so at last. '' Now, there is one odd coincidence connected with this love story," said Martin, '' which brings it to an end. You remember what you told me last night as we were coming here about your pretty visitor in the church ? " " Surely I do," said Tom, rising from his stool, and seating himself in the chair from which the other had lately risen, that he might see his face. " Undoubtedly." "That was she." "I knew what you were going to say," cried Tom, looking fixedly at him, and speaking very softly. " You don't tell me so ? " " That was she," repeated the young man. " After what I have heard from Pecksniff, I have no doubt that she came and went with my grandfather. Don't you drink too much of that sour wine, or you'll have a fit of some sort, Pinch, I see." ** It is not very wholesome, I am afraid," said Tom, setting down the empty glass he had for sometime held. " So that was she, was it ! " Martin nodded assent ; and adding, with a restless impatience, that if he had been a few days earlier he would have seen her ; and that now she might be, for any thing he knew, hundreds of miles away ; threw himself after a few turns across the room, into a chair, and chafed like a spoiled child. Tom Pinch's heart was very tender, and he could not bear to see the most indifferent person in distress ; still less one who had awakened an interest in him, and who regarded him (either in fact, or as he supposed) with kindness, and in a spirit of lenient construction. Whatever his own thoughts had been a few moments before — and to judge from his face they must have been pretty serious — he dismissed them instantly, and gave his young friend the best counsel and comfort that occurred to him. " All will be .well in time," said Tom, " I have no doubt ; and some trial and adversity just now will only serve to make you more attached to each other in better days. I have always read that the truth is so, and I have a feeling within me, which tells me how natural and right it is that it should MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 107 be. What never ran smooth yet," said Tom with a smile, which despite the homeliness of his face, was pleasanter to see than many a proud beauty's brightest glance ; " what never ran smooth yet, can hardly be expected to change its character for us ; so we must take it as we find it, and fashion it into the very best shape we can, by patience and good- humor. I have no power at all ; I needn't tell you that ; but I have an excellent will ; and if I could ever be of use to you, in any way whatever, how very glad I should be ! " " Thank you," said Martin, shaking his hand. *' You're a good fellow, upon my word, and speak very kindly. Of course you know," he added, after a moment's pause, as he drew his chair toward the fire again, " I should not hesitate to avail myself of your services if you could help me at all ; but mercy on us ! " Here he rumpled his hair impatiently with his hand, and looked at Tom as if he took it rather ill that he was not somebody else ; " you might as well be a toasting-fork or a frying-pan, Pinch, for any help you can render me," " Except in the inclination," said Tom, gently. *' Oh ! to be sure. I meant that, of course. If inclina- tion went for any thing, I shouldn't want help. I tell you what you may do, though, if you will, and at the present moment too." " What is that ? " demanded Tom. *' Read to me." " I shall be delighted," cried Tom, catching up the candle, with enthusiasm. "' Excuse my leaving you in the dark a moment, and I'll fetch a book directly. What will you like .? Shakespeare ? " " Ay ! " replied his friend, yawning and stretching him- self. *' He'll do. I am tired with the bustle of to-day, and the novelty of every thing about me ; and in such a case, there's no greater luxury in the world, I think, than being read to sleep. You won't mind my going to sleep, if I can ? " " Not at all ! " cried Tom. " Then begin as soon as you like. You needn't leave off when you see me getting drowsy (unless you feel tired), for it's pleasant to wake gradually to the sounds again. Did you ever try that ? " " No, I never tried that," said Tom. ** Well ! You can, you know, one of these days when we're both in the right humor. Don't mind leaving me in the dark. Look sharp ! '* io8 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT Mr. Pinch lost no time in moving away ; and in a minute or two returned with one of the precious volumes from the shelf beside his bed. Martin had in the meantime made himself as comfortable as circumstances would permit, by constructing before the fire a temporary sofa of three chairs with Mercy's stool for a pillow, and lying down at full- length upon it. " Don't be too loud, please," he said to Pinch. " No, no," said Tom. * " You're sure you're not cold ? " " Not at all ! " cried Tom. ** I am quite ready, then." Mr. Pinch accordingly, after turning over the leaves of his book with as much care as if they were living and highly cherished creatures, made his own selection, and began to read. Before he had completed fifty lines, his friend was snoring. " Poor fellow ! " said Tom, softly, as he stretched out his head to peep at him over the backs of the chairs. *' He is very young to have so much trouble. How trustful and gen- erous in him to bestow all this confidence in me. And that was she, was it ? '' But suddenly remembering their compact, he took up the poem at the place where he had left off, and went on read- ing ; always forgetting to snuff the candle, until its wick looked like a mushroom. He gradually became so much interested, that he quite forgot to replenish the fire ; and was only reminded of his neglect by Martin Chuzzlewit starting up after the lapse of an hour or so, crying with a shiver : " Why, it's nearly out, I declare ! No wonder I dreamed of being frozen. Do call for some coals. What a fellow you are, Pinch ! " CHAPTER VH. IN WHICH MR. CHEVY SLYME ASSERTS THE INDEPENDENCE OF HIS SPIRIT, AND THE BLUE DRAGON LOS^S A LIMB. Martin began to work at the grammar-school next morn- ing, with so much vigor and expedition, that Mr. Pinch had new reason to do homage to the natural endowments of that young gcrtleman, and to acknowledge his infinite superiority to himself. The new pupil received Tom's compliments MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 109 very graciouly ; and having by this time conceived a real regard for him, in his own pecuHar way, predicted that they would always be the very best of friends, and that neither of them, he was certain (but particularly Tom), would ever have reason to regret the day on which they became acquainted. Mr. Pinch was delighted to hear him say this, and felt so much flattered by his kind assurances of friend- ship and protection, that he was at a loss how to express the pleasure they afforded him. And indeed it may be observed of this friendship, such as it was, that it had within it more likely materials of endurance than many a sworn brotherhood that has been rich in promise ; for so long as the one party found a pleasure in patronizing, and the other in being patronized (which was in the very essence of their respective characters), it was of all possible events among the least probable, that the twin demons, envy and pride, would ever arise between them. So in very many cases of friendship, or what passes for it, the old axiom is reversed, and like clings to unlike more than to like. They were both very busy on the afternoon succeeding the family's departure ; Martin with the grammar-school ; and Tom in balancing certain receipts of rents, and deduct- ing Mr. Pecksniff's commission from the same ; in which abstruse employment he was much distracted by a habit his new friend had of whistling aloud, while he was drawing. They were not a little startled by the unexpected obtrusion into that sanctuary of genius, of a human head, which although a shaggy and somewhat alarming head, in appear- ance, smiled affably upon them from the doorway, in a man- ner that was at once waggish, conciliatory, and expressive of approbation. *' I am not industrious myself, gents both," said the head, ** but I know how to appreciate that quality in others. I wish I may turn gray and ugly, if it isn't in my opinion, next to genius, one of the very charmingest qualities of the human mind. Upon my soul, I am grateful to my friend Pecksniff for helping me to the contemplation of such a delicious pic- ture as you present. You remind me of Whittington after- ward thrice lord mayor of London. I give you my unsul- lied word of honor, that you very strongly remind me of that historical character. You are a pair of Whittingtons, gents, without the cat ; which is a most agreeable and blessed exception to me, for I am not attached to the feline species. My name is Tigg ; how do you do ? " no MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Martin looked to Mr. Pinch for an explanation; and Tom, who had never in his life set eyes on Mr. Tigg before, looked to that gentleman himself. ''Chevy Slyme?" said Mr. Tigg, interrogatively, and kissing his left hand in token of friendship. " You will understand me when I say that I am the accredited agent of Chevy Slyme ; that I am the ambassador from the court of Chiv ? Ha ! ha ! " " Heyday ! " asked Martin, starting at the mention of a name he knew. " Pray, what does he want with me ? " " If your name is Pinch," Mr. Tigg began. " It is not," said Martin, checking himself. " That is Mr. Pinch." " If that is Mr. Pinch," cried Tigg, kissing his hand again, and beginning to follow his head into the room, '* he will permit me to say that I greatly esteem, and respect his char- acter, which has been most highly commended to me by my friend Pecksniff ; and that I deeply appreciate his talent for the organ, notwithstanding that I do not, if I may use the expression, grind myself. If that is Mr. Pinch, I will venture to express a hope that I see him well, and that he is suffering no inconvenience from the easterly wind ? " " Thank you," said Tom, *' I am very well." " I'hat is a comfort," Mr. Tigg rejoined. Then," he added, shielding his lips with the palm of his hand, and applying them close to Mr. Pinch's ear, '* I have come for the letter." " The letter," said Tom, aloud. ** What letter ? " " The letter," whispered Tigg, in the same cautious man- ner as before, " which my friend Pecksniff addressed to Chevy Slyme, Esquire, and left with you." *' He didn't leave any letter with me," said Tom. '' Hush ! " cried the other. " It's all the same thing, though not so delicately done by my friend Pecksniff as I could have wished. The money." " The money ! " cried Tom, quite scared. " Exactly so," said Mr. Tigg. With which he rapped Tom twice or thrice upon the breast and nodded several times, as though he would say, that he saw they understood each other ; that it was unnecessary to mention the circum- stance before a third person ; and that he would take it as a particular favor if Tom would slip the amount into his hand, as quietly as possible. Mr. Pinch, however, was so very much astounded by this MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. iii (to him) inexplicable deportment, that he at once openly declared there must be some mistake, and that he had been entrusted with no commission whatever having any reference to Mr. Tigg or to his friend either. Mr. Tigg received this declaration with a grave request that Mr. Pinch would have the goodness to make it again ; and on Tom's repeating it in a still more emphatic and unmistakable manner, checked it off, sentence for sentence, by nodding his head solemnly at the end of each. When it had come to a close for the second time, Mr. Tigg sat himself down in a chair and addressed the young men as follows : " Then I tell you what it is, gents both. There is at this present moment in this very place, a perfect constellation of talent and genius, who is involved, through what I can not but designate as the culpable negligence of my friend Pecksniff, in a situation as tremendous, perhaps, as the social inter- course of the nineteenth century will readily admit of. There is actually at this instant, at the Blue Dragon in this village, an ale house observe; a common, paltry, low-minded clodhop- ping, pipe-smoking ale house; an individual of whom it may be said, in the language of the poet, that nobody but himself can in any way come up to him; who is detained there for his bill. Ha ! ha ! For his bill. I repeat it. For his bill. Now," said Mr. Tigg, " we have heard of Fox's Book of Martyrs, I believe, and we have heard of the Court of Requests, and the Star Chamber; but I fear the contradiction of no man alive or dead, when I assert that my friend Chevy Slyme being held in pawn for a bill, beats any amount of cock-fighting with which I am acquainted." Martin and Mr. Pinch looked, first at each other, and afterward at ]\Ir. Tigg, who with his arms folded on his breast surveyed them, half in despondency and half in bitter- ness. "Don't mistake me, gents both," he said, stretching forth his right hand. ''If it had been for any thing but a bill, I could have borne it, and could still have looked upon man- kind v/ith some feeling of respect ; but when such a man as my friend Slyme is detained for a score — a thing in itself essentially mean ; a low performance on a slate, or possibly chalked upon the back of a door — I do feel that there is a screv\^ of such magnitude loose somewhere, that the whole framework of society is shaken, and the very first principles of things can no longer be trusted. In short, gents both," said Mr. Tigg, with a passionate flourish of his 112 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. hands and head, " when a man like Slyme is detained for such a thing as a bill, I reject the superstitions of ages, and believe nothing. I don't even believe that I dont believe, curse me if I do !" " I am very sorry, I am sure," said Tom after a pause, "but Mr. Peckniff said nothing to me about it, and I couldn't act without his instructions. Wouldn't it be better, sir, if you were to go to — to wherever you came from — yourself, and remit the money to your friend ? " " How can that be done when I am detained also ? " said Mr. Tigg ; '* and when, moreover, owing to the astounding, I must add, guilty negligence of my friend Pecksniff, I have no money for coach hire ? " Tom thought of reminding the gentleman (who, no doubt in his agitation had forgotten it) that there was a post-ofhce in the land ; and that possibly if he wrote to some friend or agent for a remittance it might not be lost upon the road ; or at all events that the chance, however desperate, was worth trusting to. But, as his good nature presently suggested to him certain reasons for abstaining from this hint, he paused again, and then asked : *^ Did you say, sir, that you were detained also ? " **Come here," said Mr. Tigg, rising. ^' You have no objec- tion to my opening this window for a moment ? " " Certainly not," said Tom. " Very good," said Mr. Tigg, lifting the sash. "You see a fellow down there with a red neckcloth and no waistcoat ? " " Of course I do," cried Tom. '' That's Mark Tapley." " Mark Tapley is it ? " said the gentleman. " Then Mark Tapley had not only the great politeness to follow me to this house, but is waiting now to see me home again. And for that attention, sir," added Mr. Tigg, stroking his mustache, " I can tell you, that Mark Tapley had better in his infancy have been fed to suffocation by Mrs. Tapley, than preserved to this time." Mr. Pinch was not so dismayed by this terrible threat, but that he had voice enough to call to Mark to come in, and up- stairs ; a summons which he so speedily obeyed, that almost as soon as Tom and Mr. Tigg had drawn in their heads and closed the window again, he, the denounced, appeared before them. " Come here, Mark ! " said Mr. Pinch. " Good gracious me ! what's the matter betweeni Mrs. Lupin and this gentle- man ? " ' . . . MARTIN CHUZZLEVVIT. 113 ** What gentleman, sir ? " said Mark. " I don't see no gentleman here, sir, excepting you and the new gentleman," to whom he made a rough kind of bow ; " and there's nothing wrong between Mrs. Lupin and either of you, Mr. Pinch, I am sure," " Nonsense, Mark ! " cried Tom. " You see Mr. — " *' Tigg," interposed that gentleman. "What a bait. I shall crush him soon. All in good time ! " '' Oh him ! " rejoined Mark, with an air of careless defi- ance. '' Yes, I see /lim. I could see him a little better, if he'd shave himself, and get his hair cut." Mr. Tigg shook his head with a ferocious look, and smote himself once upon the breast. " It's no use," said Mark. ** If you knock ever so much in that quarter, you'll get no answer. I know better. There's nothing there but padding ; and a greasy sort it is." " Nay, Mark," urged Mr. Pinch, interposing to prevent hostilities, " tell me what I ask you. You're not out of tem- per, I hope ? " '' Out of temper, sir ! " cried Mark, with a grin ; " why no, sir. There's a little credit — not much — in being jolly, when such fellows as him is a going about like roaring lions ; if there ts any breed of lions, at least, as is all roar and mane. What is there between him and Mrs. Lupin, sir ? Why, there's a score between him and Mrs. Lupin. And I think Mrs. Lupin lets him and his friend off very easy in not charging *em double prices for being a disgrace to the Dragon. That's my opinion. I wouldn't have any such Peter the Wild Boy as him in my house, sir, not if I was paid race-week prices for it. He's enough to turn the very beer in the casks sour, with his looks ; he is ! So he would, if it had judgment enough." " You're not answering my question, you know, Mark," observed Mr. Pinch. " Well, sir," said Mark, *' I don't know as there's much to answer further than that. Him and his friend goes and stops at the Moon and Stars till they've run a bill there ; and then comes and stops wi^^h us and does the same. The running of bills is common enough, Mr. Pinch ; it an't that as we object to ; it's the way of this chap. Nothing's good enough for him ; all the women is dying for him he thinks, and is over- paid if he winks at 'em ; and all the men was made to be ordered about by him. This not being aggravation enough, he says this morning to me, in his usual captivating way, ' We're 114 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. going to-night, my man.' ' Are you, sir ? says I. * Perhaps you'd like the bill got ready, sir ? " 'Oh no, my man,' he says; 'you needn't mind that. I'll give Pecksniff orders to see to that.' In reply to which, the Dragon makes answer, 'Thankee, sir, you're very kind to honor us so far, but as we don't know any particular good of you, and you don't travel with lug- gage, and Mr. Pecksniff an't at home (which perhaps you mayn't happen to be aware of, sir), we should prefer some- thing more satisfactory ; ' and that's where the matter stands. And I ask," said Mr. Tapley, pointing in conclusion, to Mr. Tigg, with his hat, " any lady or gentleman, possessing ordi- nary strength of mind, to say, whether he's a disagreeable- looking chap or not ! " " Let me inquire," said Martin, interposing between this candid speech and the delivery of some blighting anathema by Mr. Tigg, *' what the amount of this debt may be ? " '' In point of money, sir, very little," answered Mark. " Only just turned of three pounds. But it an't that ; it's the—" ''Yes, yes, you told us so before," said Martin. " Pinch, a word with you." " What is it ? " asked Tom, retiring with him to a corner of the room. " Why, simply — I am ashamed to say — that this Mr. Slyme is a relation of mine, of whom I never heard any thing pleasant; and that I don't want him here just now, and think he would be cheaply got rid of, perhaps, for three or four pounds. You haven't enough money to pay this bill, I sup- pose?" Tom shook his head to an extent that left no doubt of his entire sincerity. " That's unfortunate, for I am poor too ; and in case you had had it, I'd have borrowed it of you. But if we told this landlady we would see her paid, I suppose that would answer the same purpose ? " " Oh dear, yes ! " said Tom. " She knows me, bless you:" " Then, let us go down at once and tell her so ; for the sooner we are rid of their company the better. As you have conducted the conversation with this gentleman hitherto, perhaps you'll tell him what we purpose doing ; will you ? " Mr. Pinch complying, at once miparted the intelligence to Mr. Tigg, who shook him warmly by the hand in return, assuring him that his faith in any thing and every thing was again restored. It was not so much, he said, for the tem- MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 115 porary relief of this assistance that he prized it, as for its vin- dication of the high principle that nature's nobs felt with nature's nobs, and that true greatness of soul sympathized with true greatness of soul, all the world over. It proved to him, he said, that like him they admired genius, even when it was coupled with the alloy occasionally visible in the metal of his friend Slyme ; and on behalf of that friend, he thanked them ; as warmly and heartily as if the cause were his own. Being cut short in these speeches by a general move toward the stairs, he took possession at the street-door of the lapel of Mr. Pinch's coat, as a security against further interruption, and entertained that gentleman with some highly improving discourse until they reached the Dragon, whither they were closely followed by Mark and the new pupil. The rosy hostess scarcely needed Mr. Pinch's word as a preliminary to the release of her two visitors, of whom she was glad to be rid on any terms; indeed, their brief detention had originated mainly with Mr, Tapley, who entertained a constitutional dislike to gentlemen out-at-elbows who flourished on false pretenses ; and had conceived a particu- lar aversion to Mr. Tigg and his friend, as choice specimens of the species. The business in hand thus easily settled, Mr. Pinch and Martin would have withdrawn immediately, but for the urgent entreaties of Mr. Tigg that they would allow him the honor of presenting them to his friend Slyme, w^hich were so very difficult of resistance that, yielding partly to these persuasions and partly to their own curiosity, they suf- fered themselves to be ushered into the presence of that dis- tinguished gentleman. He was brooding over the remains of yesterday's decanter of brandy, and was engaged in the thoughtful occupation of making a chain of rings on the top of the table with the wet foot of his drinking-glass. Wretched and forlorn as he looked, Mr. Slyme had once been, in his way, the choicest of swaggerers ; putting forth his pretensions, boldly, as a man of infinite taste and most undoubted promise. The stock-in- trade requisite to set up an amateur in this department of business is very slight, and easily got together ; a trick of the nose and a curl of the lip sufficient to compound a tolerable sneer, being ample provision for any exigency. But, in an evil hour, this off-shoot of the Chuzzlewit trunk, being lazy, and ill qualified for any regular pursuit, and having dissi- pated such means as he ever possessed, had formally estab- lished himself as a professor of taste for a livelihood ; and ii6 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. finding, too late, that something more than his old amount of qualifications was necessary to sustain him in this calling, had quickly fallen to his present level, where he retained nothing of his old self but his boastfulness and his bile, and seemed to have no existence separate or apart from his friend Tigg. And now so abject and so pitiful was he — at once so maudlin, insolent, beggarly, and proud — that even his friend and parasite, standing erect beside him, swelled into a man by contrast. " Chiv," said Mr. Tigg, clapping him on the back, " my friend Pecksniff not being at home, I have arranged our trifling piece of business with Mr. Pinch and friend. Mr. Pinch and friend, Mr. Chevy Slyme ! Chiv, Mr. Pinch and friend ! " " These are agreeable circumstances in which to be intro- duced to strangers," said Chevy Slyme, turning his blood- shot eyes toward Tom Pinch. " I am the most miserable man in the world, I believe ! " Tom begged he wouldn't mention it; and finding him in this condition, retired, after an awkward pause, followed by Martin. But Mr. Tigg so urgently conjured them, by coughs and signs, to remain in the shadow of the door, that they stopped there, " I swear," cried Mr, Slyme, giving the table an imbecile blow with his fist, and then feebly leaning his head upon his hand, while some drunken drops oozed from his eyes, " that I am the wretchedest creature on record. Society is in a conspiracy against me. I'm the most literary man alive. I'm full of scholarship; I'm full of genius; I'm full of infor- mation; I'm full of novel views on every subject; look at my condition ! I'm at this moment obliged to two strangers for a tavern bill ! " Mr. Tigg replenished his friend's glass, pressed it into his hand, and nodded an intimation to the visitors that they would see him in abetter aspect immediately. " Obliged to two strangers for a tavern bill, eh ! " repeated Mr. Slyme, after a sulky application to his glass. " Very pretty ! And crowds of impostors, the while, becoming famous; men who are no more on a level with me than — Tigg, 1 take you to witness that I am the most persecuted hound on the face of the earth." With a whine, not unlike the cry of the animal he named, in its lowest stage of humiliation, he raised his glass to his mouth again. He found some encouragement in it ; for MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 117 when he set it down, he laughed scornfully. Upon that Mr. Tigg gesticulated to the visitors once more, and with great expression ; implying that now the time was come when they would see Chiv in his greatness. " Ha, ha, ha ! " laughed Mr. Slyme. " Obliged to two strangers for a tavern bill ! Yet I think I've a rich uncle, Tigg, who could buy up the uncles of fifty strangers ? Have I, or have I not ? I come of a good family, I believe ? Do I, or do I not ? I am not a man of common capacity or accomplishments, I think. Am I, or am I not ?" " You are the American aloe of the human race, my dear Chiv," said Mr. Tigg, "which only blooms once in a hun- dred years ! " " Ha, ha, ha ! " laughed Mr. Slyme again. " Obliged to two strangers for a tavern bill ! I ! Obliged to two archi- tect's apprentices. Fellows who measure earth with iron chains, and build houses like bricklayers. Give me the names of those two apprentices. How dare they oblige me ! " Mr. Tigg was quite lost in admiration of this noble trait in his friend's character ; as he made known to Mr. Pinch in a neat little ballet of action, spontaneously invented for the purpose. " I'll let 'em know, and I'll let all men know," cried Chevy Slyme, " that I'm none of the mean, groveling, tame char- acters they meet with commonly. I have an independent spirit. I have a heart that swells in my bosom. I have a soul that rises superior to base considerations." "Oh Chiv, Chiv," murmured Mr. Tigg, "you have a nobly independent nature, Chiv ! " " You go and do your duty, sir," said Mr. Slyme, angrily, "and borrow money for traveling expenses ; and whoever you borrow it of, let 'em know that I possess a haughty spirit, and a proud spirit, and I have infernally finely-touched chords in my nature, which won't brook patronage. Do you hear ? Tell 'em I hate 'em, and that that's the way I pre- serve my self-respect ; and tell 'em that no man ever respected himself more than I do ! " He might have added that he hated two sorts of men ; all those who did him favors, and all those who were better off than himself ; as in either case their position was an insult to a man of his stupendous merits. But he did not ; for with the apt closing words above recited, Mr. Slyme, of too haughty a stomach to work, to beg, to borrow, or to steal ; ii5 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. yet mean enough to be worked or borrowed, begged or stolen for, by any catspaw that would serve his turn ; too insolent to lick the hand that fed him in his need, yet cur enough to bite and tear it in the dark ; with these apt clos- ing words, Mr. Slyme fell forward with his head upon the table, and so declined into a sodden sleep. " Was there ever," cried Mr. Tigg, joining the young men at the door, and shutting it carefully behind him, " such an independent spirit as is possessed by that extraordinary creat- ure ? Was there ever such a Roman as our friend Chiv ? Was there ever such a man of such a purely classical turn of thought, and of such a toga-like simplicity of nature ? Was there ever a man with such a flow of eloquence ? Might he not, gents both, I ask, have sat upon a tripod in the ancient times, and prophesied to a perfectly unlimited extent, if pre- viously supplied with gin and water at the public cost? " Mr, Pinch was about to contest this latter position with his usual mildness, when, observing that his companion had already gone down-stairs, he prepared to follow him. " You are not going, Mr. Pinch ? " said Tigg. "Thank you," answered Tom. "Yes. Don't come down." " Do you know that I should like one little word in private with you, Mr. Pinch?" said Tigg, following him. "One minute of your company in the skittle-ground would very much relieve my mind. Might I beseech that favor ? " "Oh, certainly," replied Tom, " if you really wish it." So he accompanied Mr. Tigg to the retreat in question ; on arriving at which place that gentleman took from his hat what seemed to be the fossil remains of an antediluvian pocket-handkerchief, and wiped his eyes therewith. " You have not beheld me this day," said Mr. Tigg, '* in a favorable light." " Don't mention that," said Tom, " I beg." " But you have noi^' cried Tigg. " I must persist in that opinion. If you could have seen me, Mr. Pinch, at the head of my regiment on the coast of Africa, charging in the form of a hollow square, with the women and the children and the regimental plate-chest in the center, you would not have known me for the same man. You would have respected me, sir." Tom had certain ideas of his own upon the subject of glory ; and consequently he was not quite so much excited by this picture a^-t Mr. Tigg could have desired. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 119 " But no matter ! " said that gentleman. " The school- boy writing home to his parents and describing the milk-and- Avater, said ' This is indeed weakness.' I repeat that asser- tion in reference to myself at the present moment ; and I ask your pardon. Sir, you have seen my friend Slyme ? " " No doubt," said Mr. Pinch. *' Sir, you have been impressed by my friend Slyme ? " " Not very pleasantly, I must say," answered Tom after a little hesitation. . *' I am grieved but not surprised," cried Mr. Tigg, detain, ing him by both lapels, *' to hear that you have come to that conclusion, for it is my ^own. But, Mr. Pinch, though I am a rough and thoughtless man, I can honor mind. I honor mind in following my friend. To you of all men, Mr. Pinch, I have a right to make appeal on mind's behalf, when it has not the art to push its fortune in the world. And so, sir — not for myself, who have no claim upon you, but tor my crushed, my sensitive and independent friend, who has — I ask the loan of three half-crowns. I ask you for the loan of three half crowns, distinctly, and without a blush. I ask it, almost as a right. And v/hen I add that they will be returned by post, this week, I feel that you will blame me for that sordid stipulation." Mr. Pinch took from his pocket an old-fashioned red- leather purse with a steel clasp, which had probably once belonged to his deceased grandmother. It held one half- sovereign and no more. All Tom's worldly wealth unti" next quarter-day. " Stay ! " cried Mr. Tigg, who had watched this proceed- ing keenly. " I was just about to say, that for the conven- ience of posting you had better make it gold. Thank you. A general direction, I suppose, to JNIr. Pinch, at Mr. Peck« sniff's, will find vou ? " " That'll find me," said Tom. *' You had better put Esquire to Mr. Pecksniff's name, if you phase. Direct to me, you know, at Seth Pecksniff's, Esquire." '* At Seth Pecksniff's Esquire," repeated Mr. Tigg, taking an exact note of it with a stump of pencil. *' We said thig week, I believe ? " ** Yes ; or Monday will do," observed Tom. " Mo, no, I beg your pardon. Monday will not do," said Mr. Tigg. " If we stipulated for this week, Saturday is the latest day. Did we stipulate for this week ? " "Svnce you are so particular about it," said Tom, "I thi^k -- did '' i;zO MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. is to awake up cross ; to find its legs in its way ; and its corns an aggravation. Mr. Pecksniff not being exempt from the common lot of humanity, found himself, at the end of his nap, so decidedly the victim of these infirmities, that he had an irresistible inclination to visit them upon his daugh- ters ; which he had already begun to do in the shape of divers random kicks, and other unexpected motions of his shoes, when the coach stopped, and after a short delay, the door was ppened. " Now mind," said a thin sharp voice in the dark. " I and my son go inside, because the roof is full, but you agree only to charge us outside prices. It's quite understood that we won't pay more. Is it ? " ** All right, sir," replied the guard. *' Is there any body inside now ?" inquired the voice. " Three passengers," returned the guard. " Then I ask the three passengers to witness this bargain, if they will be so good," said the voice. " My boy, I think we may safely get in." In pursuance of which opinion, two people took their seats in the vehicle, which was solemnly licensed by act of parliament to carry any six persons who could be got in at the door. *' That was lucky ! " whispered the old man, when they moved on again. " And a great stroke of policy in you to observe it. He, he, he ! We couldn't have gone outside. I should have died of the rheumatism ! " Whether it occurred to the dutiful son that he had in some degree over-reached himself by contributing to the prolonga- tion of his father's days ; or whether the cold had affected his temper ; is doubtful. But he gave his father such a nudge in reply, that that good old gentleman was taken with a cough which lasted for full live minutes, without intermission, and goaded Mr. Pecksniff to that pitch of irritation, that he said at last, and very suddenly : " There's no room ! There is really no room in this coach for any gentleman with a cold in his head ! " " Mine," said the old man after a moment's pause, " is upon my chest, Pecksniff." The voice and manner, together, now that he spoke out ; the composure of the speaker ; the presence of his son ; and his knowledge of Mr. Pecksniff ; afforded a clew to his iden- tity which it was impossible to mistake. "Hem ! I thought," said Mr. Pecksniff, returning to his MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 121 suited me of all other men was that old gentleman as was took ill here, for he really was a trying customer. Howsever, I must wait and see what turns up, sir ; and hope for the worst." '' You are determined to go then ? " said Mr. Pinch. " My box is gone already, sir, by the wagon, and I'm going to walk on to-morrow morning, and get a lift by the day coach when it overtakes me. So I wish you good-by, Mr. Pinch — and you too, sir — and all good luck and happi- ness ! " They both returned his greeting laughingly, and walked /lome arm-in-arm ; Mr. Pinch imparting to his new friend, as they went, such further particulars of Mark Tapley's whimsical restlessness as the reader is already acquainted with. In the meantime Mark, having a shrewd notion that his mistress was in very low spirits, and that he could not exactly answer for the consequences of any lengthened tete-a-tete in the bar, kept himself obstinately out of her way all the after- noon and evening. In this piece of generalship he was very much assisted by the great influx of company into the tap- room ; for the news of his intention having gone abroad, there was a perfect throng there all the evening, and much drinking of healths and clinking of mugs. At length the house was closed for the night ; and there being now no help for it, Mark put the best face he could upon the matter, and walked doggedly to the bar-door. " If I look at her," said Mark to himself, '' I'm done. I feel that I'm a going fast." " You have come at last," said Mrs. Lupin. Ay, Mark said : There he was. ''And you are determined to leave us, Mark ? " cried Mrs. Lupin. *' Why, yes ; I am," said Mark, keeping his eyes hard upon the floor. '* I thought," pursued the landlady, with a most engaging hesitation, *' that you had been — fond — of the Dragon ? " "So I am," said Mark. ** Then," pursued the hostess — and it really was not an unnatural inquiry — " why do you desert it ? " But as he gave no manner of answer to this question, not even on its being repeated, Mrs. Lupin put his money into his hand, and asked him — not unkindly, quite the contrary — what he would take ? 122 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. It is proverbial that there are certain things which flesh and blood can not bear. Such a question as this, propounded in such a manner, at such a time, and by such a person, proved (at least, as far as Mark's flesh and blood were con- cerned) to be one of them. He looked up in spite of himself directly ; and having once looked up, there was no looking down again ; for of all the tight, plump, buxom, bright-eyed, dimple-faced landladies that ever shone on earth, there stood before him, then, bodily in that bar, the very pink and pine- apple. " Why, I tell you what," said Mark, throwing off all his constraint in an instant, and seizing the hostess round the waist — at which she was not at all alarmed, for she knew what a good young man he was — " if I took what I liked most, I should take you. If I only thought of what was best for me, I should take you. If I took what nineteen young fellows in twenty would be glad to take, and would take at any price, I should take you. Yes, I should," cried Mr. Tapley, shaking his head, expressively enough, and looking (in a momentary state of forgetfulness) rather hard at the hostess's ripe lips. '' And no man wouldn't wonder if I did ! " Mrs. Lupin said he amazed her. She was astonished how he could say such things. She had never thought it of him. " Why, I never thought it of myself till now ! " said Mark, raising his eyebrows with a look of the merriest possible sur- prise. " I always expected we should part, and never have no explanation ; I meant to do it when I came in here just now ; but there's something about you, as makes a man sen- sible. Then let us have a word or two together, letting it be understood beforehartd," he added this in a grave tone, to prevent the possibility of any mistake, '' that I'm not a going to make no love, you know." There was for just one second a shade, though not by any means a dark one, on the landlady's open brow. But it passed off instantly, in a laugh that came from her very heart. *' Oh very good ! " she said ; ^' if there is to be no love- making, you had better take your arm away." " Lord, why should I ! " cried Mark. " It's quite inno- cent." *' Of course it's innocent," returned the hostess, " or I shouldn't allow it," MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 123 " Very well ! " said Mark. " Then let it be." There was so much reason in this, that the landlady laughed again, suffered it to remain, and bade him say what he had to say, and be quick about it. But he was an impu- dent fellow, she added. " Ha ! ha ! I almost think I am ! " cried Mark, *' though I never thought so before. Why, I can say any thing to-night ! " " Say what you're going to say if you please, and be quick," returned the landlady, ^' for I want to get to bed." "Why, then, my dear good soul," said Mark, *' and a kinder woman than you are, never drawed breath — let me see the man as says she did — what would be the likely con- sequence of us two being — " "Oh nonsense ! " cried Mrs. Lupin. "Don't talk about that any more." " No, no, but it ain't nonsense,'.' said Mark; " and I wish you'd attend. What would be the likely consequence of us two being married ? If 1 can't be content and comfortable in this here lively Dragon now, is it to be looked for as I should be then ? By no means. Very good. Then you, even with your good humor, would be always on the fret and worrit, always uncomfortable in your own mind, always a thinking as you was getting too old for my taste, always a picturing me to yourself as being chained up to the Dragon door, and wanting to break away. I don't know that it would be so," said Mark, " but I don't know that it mightn't be, I am a roving sort of chap, I know. I'm fond of change. I'm always a thinking that with my good health and spirits it would be more creditable in me to be jolly where there's things a going on to make one dismal. It may be a mistake of mine, you see, but nothing short of t-rying how it acts, will set it right. Then ain't it best that I should go; particular when your free way has helped me out to say all this, and we can part as good friends as we have ever been since first I entered this here noble Dragon, which," said Mr. Tapley in conclusion, " has my good word and ray good wish, to the day of my death ! " The hostess sat quite silent for a little time, but she very soon put both her hands in Mark's and shook them heartily. " For you are a good man," she said, looking into his face with a smile, which was rather serious for her. " And I do believe have been a better friend to me to-night than ever I have had in all my life." 124 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " Oh ! as to that, you know," said Mark, " that's non- sense. But love my heart alive !" he added, looking at her in a sort of rapture, *' if you are that way disposed, what a lot of suitable husbands there is as you may drive dis- tracted ! " She laughed again at this compliment; and, once more shaking him by both hands, and bidding him, if he should ever want a friend, to remember her, turned gayly from the little bar and up the Dragon staircase. " Humming a tune as she goes," said Mark, listening, " in case I should think she's at all put out, and should be made down-hearted. Come, here's some credit in being jolly, at last ! " With that piece of comfort, very ruefully uttered, he went, in any thing but a jolly manner, to bed. He rose early next morning, and was a-foot soon after sun- rise. But it was of no use; the whole place was up to see Mark Tapley off; the boys, the dogs, the children, the old men, the busy people, and the idlers; there they were, all calling out ^' Good-by, Mark," after their own manmer, and all sorry he was going. Somehow he had a kind of sense that his old mistress was peeping from her chamber window, but he couldn't make up his mind to look back. " Good-by one, good-by all ! " cried Mark, waving his hat on the top of his walking-stick, as he strode at a quick pace up the little street. " Hearty chaps, them wheelwrights — hurrah ! Here's the butcher's dog a-coming out of the gar- den— down, old fellow ! And Mr. Pinch a-going to his organ — good-by, sir ! And the terrier bitch from over the way — hie, then lass ! And children enough to hand down human natur to the latest posterity — good-by, boys and girls ! There's some credit in it now. I'm a-coming out strong at last. These are the circumstances that would try a ordinary mind; but I'm uncommon jolly. Not quite as jolly as I could wish to be, but very near. Good-by! good-by! " CHAPTER VIII. ACCOMPANIES MR. PECKSNIFF AND HIS CHARMING DAUGHTERS TO THE CITY OF LONDON ; AND RELATES WHAT FELL OUT, UPON THEIR WAY THITHER. When Mr. Pecksniff and the two young ladies got into the heavy coach at the end of the lane, they found it empty, MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 125 which was a great comfort ; particularly as the outside was quite full and the passengers looked very frosty. For as Mr. Pecksniff justly observed — when he and his daughters had burrowed their feet deep in the straw, wrapped them- selves to the chin, and pulled up both windows — it is always satisfactory to feel, in keen weather, that many other people are not as warm as you are. And this, he said, was quite natural, and a very beautiful arrangement ; not confined to coaches, but extending itself into many social ramifications. " For " (he observed), '' if every one were warm and well- fed, we should lose the satisfaction of admiring the fortitude with v/hich certain conditions of men bear cold and hun- ger. And if we were no better off than any body else, what would become of our sense of gratitude ; which," said Mr. Pecksniff with tears in his eyes, as he shook his fist at a beggar, who wanted to get up behind, " is one of the holiest feelings of our common nature." His children heard with becoming reverence these moral precepts from the lips of their father, and signified their acquiescence in the same, by smiles. That he might the better feed and cherish that sacred flame of gratitude in his breast, Mr. Pecksniff remarked that he would trouble his eldest daughter, even in this early stage of their journey, for the brandy-bottle. And from the narrow neck of that stone vessel, he imbibed a copious refreshment. '' What are we ? " said Mr. Pecksniff, '' but coaches ? Some of us are slow coaches — " " Goodness, pa ! " cried Charity. " Some of us, I say," resumed her parent with increased emphasis, " are slow coaches ; some of us are fast coaches. Our passions are the horses ; and rampant animals too ! " — " Really, pa ! " cried both the daughters at once. " How very unpleasant ! " '' And rampant animals too ! " repeated Mr. Pecksniff, with so much determination, that he may be said to have exhibited, at the moment, a sort of moral rampancy him- self ; "and virtue is the drag. We start from the mother's arms, and we run to the dust shovel." When he had said this, Mr. Pecksniff, being exhausted, took some further refreshment. When he had done that, he corked the bottle tight, with the air of a man who had effectually corked the subject also ; and went to sleep for three stages. The tendency of mankind when it falls asleep in coaches. i2r MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Mr. Tigg added this condition to his memorandum , read the entry over to himself with a severe frown ; and that the transaction might be the more correct and business-like, appended his initials to the whole. That done he assured Mr. Pinch that every thing was now perfectly regular ; and, after squeezing his hand with great fervor, departed. Tom entertained enough suspicion that Martin might possibly turn this interview into a jest, to render him desir- ous to avoid the company of that young gentleman for the present. With this view he took a few turns up and down the skittle-ground, and did not re-enter the house until Mr. Tigg and his friend had quitted it, and the new pupil and Mark were watching their departure from one of the win- dows. " I was just a saying, sir, that if one could live by it," observed Mark, pointing after their late guests, " that would be the sort of service for me. Waiting on such individuals as them, would be better than grave-digging, sir." ** And staying h^re would be better than either, Mark," replied Tom. " So take my advice, and continue to swim easily in smooth water." " It's too late to take it now, sir," said Mark. " I have broke it to her, sir. I am off to-morrow morning." '' Off ! " cried Mr. Pinch, " where to ? " *' I shall go up to London, sir." '' What to be ? " asked Mr. Pinch. " Well ! I don't know yet, sir. Nothing turned up that day I opened my mind to you, as was at all likely to suit me. All them trades I thought of was a deal too jolly ; there was no credit at all to be got in any of 'em. I must look for a private service, I suppose, sir. I might be brought out strong perhaps, in a serious family, Mr. Pinch." " Perhaps you might come out rather too strong for a serious family's taste, Mark." '^ That's possible, sir. If I could get into a wicked family, I might do myself justice ; but the difficulty is to make sure of one's ground, because a young man can't very well adver- tise that he wants a place, and wages an't so much an object as a wicked sitivation ; can he, sir ? " ''Why, no," said Mr. Pinch, " I don't think he can." " An envious family," pursued Mark, with a thoughtful face; " or a quarrelsome family, or a malicious family, or even a good out-and-out mean family, would open a field of action as I might do something in. The man as would have MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 127 usual mildness, ** that I addressed a stranger. I find that 1 address a relative. Mr. Anthony Chuzzlewit and his son Mr. Jonas — for they, my dear children, are our traveling companions — will excuse me for an apparently harsh remark. It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypo- crite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, " but I am not a brute." " Pooh, pooh ! " said the old man, *' What signifies that word, Pecksniff ? Hypocrite ! v^-hy, we are all hypocrites. We were all hypocrites t'other day. I am sure I felt that to be agreed upon among us, or I shouldn't have called you one. We should not have been there at all if we had not been hypocrites. The only difference between you and the rest was — shall I tell you the difference between you and the rest now, Pecksniff ? " " If you please, my good sir ; if you please." *' Why, the annoying quality xnyou is," said the old man, " that you never have a confederate or partner in your jug- gling ; you would deceive every body, even those who prac- tice the same art ; and have a way with you, as if you — he, he, he ! — as if you really believed yourself. I'd lay a hand- some wager now," said the old man, " if I laid wagers, which I don't and never did, that you keep up appearances by a tacit understanding, even before your own daughters here. Now I, when I have a business scheme in hand, tell Jonas what it is, and we discuss it openly. You're not offended, Pecksniff?" *' Offended, my good sir ! " cried that gentleman, as if he had received the highest compliment that language could convey. " Are you traveling to London, Mr. Pecksniff ? " asked the son. " Yes, Mr. Jonas, we are traveling to London. We shall have the pleasure of your company all the way, I trust ? " '^ Oh ! ecod, you had better ask father that," said Jonas. " I am not going to commit myself." Mr. Pecksniff was, as a matter of course, greatly enter- tained by this retort. His mirth having subsided, Mr. Jonas gave him to understand that himself and parent were in fact traveling to their home in the metropolis; and that, since the memorable day of the great family gathering, they had been tarrying in that part of the country, watching the sale of cer- tain eligible investments, which they had had in their copart- nership eye when they came down ; for it was their custom, 128 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. Mr, Jonas said, whenever such a thing was practicable, to kill two birds with one stone, and never to throw away sprats, but as a bait for whales. When he had communicated to Mr. Pecksniff these pithy scraps of intelligence, he said, " That if it was all the same to him, he would turn him over to father, and have a chat with the gals ; " and in further- ance of this polite scheme, he vacated his seat adjoining that gentleman, and established himself in the opposite corner, next to the fair Miss Mercy. The education of Mr. Jonas had been conducted from his cradle on the strictest principles of the main chance. The very first word he learned to spell was '* gain," and the second one (when he got into two syllables), " money." But for two results, which were not clearly foreseen perhaps by his watchful parent in the beginning, his training may be said to have been unexceptionable. One of these flaws was, that having been long taught by his father to over-reach every body, he had imperceptibly acquired a love for over-reach- ing that venerable monitor himself. The other, that from his early habits of considering every thing as a question of property, he had gradually come to look, with impatience, on his parent as a certain amount of personal estate which had no right whatever to be going at large, but ought to be secured in that particular description of iron safe which is commonly called a coffin, and banked in the grave. " Well, cousin ! " said Mr. Jonas; '' because we ^/''0 Miss Peck- sniffs, and the hungry watchfulness of Mrs. Todgers, were less worthy of note than the proceedings of this remarkable boy, whom nothing disconcerted or put out of his way. If any piece of crockery, a dish or otherwise, chanced to slip through his hands (which happened once or twice), he let it go with perfect good breeding, and never added to the pain- ful emotions of the company by exhibiting the least regret. Nor did he, by hurrying to and fro, disturb the repose of the assembly, as many well-trained servants do; on the contrary, feeling the hopelessness of waiting upon so large a party, he left the gentlemen to help themselves to what they wanted, and seldom stirred from behind Mr. Jinkins's chair, where, with his hands in his pockets, and his legs planted pretty wide apart, he led the laughter, and enjoyed the conver- sation. The dessert was splendid. No waiting either. The pud- ding-plates had been washed in a little tub outside the door while cheese was on, and though they were moist and warm with friction, still there they were ngain, up to the mark, and true to time. Quarts of almonds, dozens of oranges, pounds IviARlIN CHUZZLKWIT. 155 of raisins, stacks of biffins, soup-plates full of nuts. Oh, Todgers's could do it when it chose ! Mind that. Then more wine came on; red wines and white wines; and a large china bowl of punch, brewed by the gentleman of a convivial turn, who adjured the Miss Pecksniffs not to be despondent on account of its dimensions, as there were mate- rials in the house for the concoction of half a dozen more of the same size. Good gracious, how they laughed ! How they coughed when they sipped it, because it was so strong; and how they laughed again when somebody vowed that but for its color it might have been mistaken, in regard of its innocuous qualities, for new milk ! What a shout of " No ! " burst from the gentlemen when they pathetically implored Mr. Jinkins to suffer them to qualify it with hot water; and how blushingly, by little and little, did each of them drink her whole glassful, down to its very dregs ! Now comes the trying time. The sun, as Mr. Jinkins says (gentlemanly creature, Jinkins — never at a loss !), is about to leave the firmament. " Miss Pecksniff ! " says Mrs. Tod- gers, softly, "will you — ?" " Oh dear, no more, Mrs. Tod- gers." Mrs. Todgers rises; -the two Miss Pecksniffs rise; all rise. Miss Mercy Pecksniff looks downward for her scarf. Where is it ? Dear me, where cati it be ? Sweet girl, she has it on, not on her fair neck, but loose upon her flowing figure. A dozen hands assist her. She is all confusion. The young- est gentleman in the company thirsts to murder Jinkins. She skips and joins her sister at the door. Her sister has her arm about the waist of Mrs. Todgers. She winds her arm around her sister. Diana, what a picture ! The last things visible are a shape and a skip. *' Gentlemen, let us drink the ladies ! " The enthusiasm is tremendous. The gentleman of a debating turn rises in the midst, and suddenly lets loose a tide of eloquence which bears down every thing before it. He is reminded of a toast, a toast to which they will respond. There is an individual present — he has him in his eye — to whom they owe a debt of gratitude. He repeats it, a debt of gratitude. Their rugged natures have been softened and ameliorated that day, by the society of lovely woman. There is a gentleman in company whom two accomplished and delightful females regard with veneration, as the fountain of their existence. Yes, when yet the two Miss Pecksniffs lisped in language scarce intelligible, they called that indi- vidual " Father ! " There is great applause. He gives them 15^ MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. '* Mr. Pecksniff, and God bless him ! " They all shake hands with Mr. Pecksniff, as they drink the toast. The youngest gentleman in company does so with a thrill; for lie feels that a mysterious influence pervades the man who claims that being in the pink scarf for his daughter. What saith Mr. Pecksniff in reply ? Or rather let the ques- tion be. What leaves he unsaid ? Nothing. More puncli is called for, and produced, and drunk. Enthusiasm mounts still higher. Every man comes out freely in his own charac- ter. The gentleman of a theatrical turn recites. Ihe vocal gentleman regales them with a song. Gander leaves the Gander of all former feasts whole leagues behind. He rises to propose a toast. It is, The Father of Todgers's. It is their common friend Jink. It is Old Jink, if he may call him by that familiar and endearing appellation. The young- est gentleman in company utters a frantic negative. He won't have it, he can't bear it, it mustn't be. But his depth of feeling is misunderstood. He is supposed to be a little elevated; and nobody heeds him. Mr. Jinkins thanks them from his heart. It is, by many degrees, the proudest day in his humble career. When he looks around him on the present occasion, he feels that he wants words in which to express his gratitude. One thing he will say. He hopes it has been shown that Todgers's can be true to itself; and that, an opportunity arising, it can come out quite as strong as its neighbors — perhaps stronger. He reminds them, amid thunders of encouragement, that they have heard of a somewhat similar establishment in Cannon Street; and that they have heard it praised. He wishes to draw no invidious comparisons; he would be the last man to do it; but when that Cannon Street establishment shall be able to produce such a combination of wit and beauty as has graced that board that day, and shall be able to ser^■e up (all things considered) such a dinner as that of which they have just partaken, he will be happy to talk to it. Until then, gentlemen, he will stick to Todgers's. More punch, more enthusiasm, more speeches. Every body's health is drunk, saving the youngest gentleman's in company. He sits apart, with his elbows on the back of a vacant chair, and glares disdainfully at Jinkins. Gander, in a convulsing speech, gives them the health of Bailey junior; hiccups are heard; and a glass is broken. Mr. Jinkins feels that it is time to join the ladies. He proposes, as a final sentiment, Mrs. Todgers, She is worthy to be remembered MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 157 separately. Hear, hear. So she is ; no doubt of it. They all find fault with her at other times; but every man feels, now, that he could die in her defense. They go up-stairs, where they are not expected so soon; for Mrs. Todgers is asleep, Miss Charity is adjusting her hair, and Mercy, who has made a sofa of one of the window seats, is in a gracefully recumbent attitude. She is rising hastily, when Mr. Jinkins implores her, for all their sakes, not to stir; she looks too graceful and too lovely, he remarks, to be disturbed. She laughs, and yields, and fans herself, and drops her fan, and there is a rush to pick it up. Being now installed, by one consent, as the beauty of the party, she is cruel and capricious, and sends gentlemen on messages to other gentlemen, and forgets all about them before they can return with the answer, and invents a thou- sand tortures, rending their hearts to pieces. Bailey brings up the tea and coffee. There is a small cluster of admirers around Charity; but they are only those who can not get near her sister. The youngest gentleman in company is pale, but collected, and still sits apart; for his spirit loves to hold communion with itself, and his soul recoils from noisy revelers. She has a consciousness of his presence and his adoration. He sees it flashing sometimes in the corner of her eye. Have a care, Jinkins, ere you provoke a desperate man to frenzy! Mr. Pecksniff had followed his younger friends up-stairs, and taken a chair at the side of Mrs. Todgers. He had also spilled a cup of coffee over his legs without appearing to be aware of the circumstance; nor did he seem to know that there was muffin on his knee. '* And how have they used you down-stairs, sir.? " asked the hostess. " Their conduct has been such, my dear madam," said Mr. Pecksniff, '' as I can never think of without emotion, or rememb'er without a tear. Oh, Mrs. Todgers! " " My goodness! " exclaimed that lady. " How low you are in your spirits, sir." " I am a man, my dear madam," said Mr. Pecksniff, shed- ding tears, and speaking with an imperfect articulation, " but I am also a father. I am also a widower. My feelings, Mrs. Todgers, will not consent to be entirely smothered, like the young children in the Tower. They are grown up, and the more 1 press the bolster on them, the more they look around the corner of it." I5S MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. He suddenly became conscious of the bit of muffin, and stared at it intently, shakinj^ his head the while, in a forlorn and imbecile manner, as if he regarded it as his evil genius, and mildly reproached it. " She was beautiful, Mrs. Todgers," he said, turning his glazed eye again upon her, without the least preliminary notice. '^ She had a small property." "So I have heard," cried Mrs. Todgers with great sympa- thy. " Those are her daughters," said Mr. Pecksniff, pointing out the young ladies, with increased emotion. Mrs. Todgers had no doubt of it. " Mercy and Charity," said Mr. Pecksniff, " Charity and Mercy. Not unholy names, I hope? " " Mr. Pecksniff! " cried Mrs. Todgers. " What a ghastly smile! Are you ill, sir?" He pressed his hand upon her arm, and answered in a sol- emn manner, and a faint voice, "Chronic." " Cholic?" cried the frightened Mrs. Todgers. " Chron-ic," he repeated, with some difficulty. " Chron-ic. A chronic disorder. I have been its victim from childhood. It is carrying me to my grave." " Heaven forbid! " cried Mrs. Todgers. " Yes, it is," said Mr. Pecksniff, reckless with despair. " I am rather glad of it, upon the whole. You are like her, Mrs. Todgers." " Don't squeeze me so tight, pray, Mr. Pecksniff. If any of the gentlemen should notice us." " For her sake," said Mr. Pecksniff. " Permit me. In honor of her memory. For the sake of a voice from the tomb. You are very like her, Mrs. Todgers! What a world this is! " " Ah! Indeed you may say that! " cried Mrs. Todgers. " I'm afraid it is a vain and thoughtless world," said Mr. Pecksniff, overflowing with despondency. " These young people about us. Oh! what sense have they of their respons- ibilities? None. Give me your other hand, Mrs. Todgers." That lady hesitated, and said "she didn't like." " Has a voice trom the grave no influence? " said Mr. Pecksniff, with dismal tenderness. " This is irreligious! My dear creature." " Hush! " urged Mrs. Todgers. " Really you mustn't." " It's not me," said Mr. Pecksniff. "Don't suppose it's me; it's the voice; it's her voice." MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 159 Mrs. Pecksniff deceased, must have had an unusually- thick and husky voice for a lady, and rather a stuttering voice, and to say the truth somewhat of a drunken voice, if it had ever borne much resemblance to that in which Mr. Pecksniff spoke just then. But perhaps this was delusion on his part. " It has been a day of enjoyment, Mrs. Todgers, but still it has been a day of torture. It has reminded me of my loneliness. What am I in the world? " " An excellent gentleman, Mr. Pecksniff," said Mrs Tod- gers. " There is consolation in that too," cried Mr. Pecksniff. "Am I?" " There is no better man living," said Mrs. Todgers, " I am sure." Mr. Pecksniff smiled through his tears, and slightly shook his head. '^ You are very good," he said, " thank you. It is a great happiness to me, Mrs. Todgers, to make young people happy. The happiness of my pupils is my chief object. I dote upon 'em. They dote upon me too. Some- times." " Always," said Mrs. Todgers. " When they say they haven't improved, ma'am," whispered Mr. Pecksniff, looking at her with profound mystery, and motioning to her to advance her ear a little closer to his mouth. " When they say they haven't improved, ma'am, and the premium was too high, they lie! I shouldn't wish it to be mentioned; you will understand me; but I say to you as to an old friend, they lie." " Base wretches they must be! " said Mrs. Todgers. " Madam," said Mr. Pecksniff, *' you are right. I respect you for that observation. A word in your ear. To parents and guardians. This is in confidence, Mrs. Todgers? " " The strictest, of course! " cried that lady. " To parents and guardians," repeated Mr. Pecksniff. " An eligible opportunity now offers, which unites the advan- tages of the best practical architectural education with the comforts of a home, and the constant association with some, who, however humble their sphere and limited their capacity — observe! — are not unmindful of their moral responsibilities." Mrs. Todgers looked a little puzzled to know what this might mean, as well she might; for it was, as the reader may perchance remember, Mr. Pecksniff's usual form of i6o MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. advertisement when he wanted a pupil; and seemed to have no particular reference, at present, to any thing. But Mr. Pecksniff held up his finger as a caution to her not to inter- rupt him. " Do you know any parent or guardian, Mrs. Todgers," said Mr. Pecksniff, " who desires to avail himself of such an opportunity for a young gentleman? An orphan would be preferred. Do you know of any orphan with three or four hundred pounds? " Mrs. Todgers reflected, and shook her head. '' When you hear of an orphan with three or four hun- dred pounds," said Mr. Pecksniff, ''let that dear orphan's friends apply, by letter post-paid, to S. P., Post-office, Salis- bury. I don't know who he is, exactly. Don't be alarmed, Mrs. Todgers," said Mr. Pecksniff, falling heavily against her; '* chronic — chronic ! Let's have a little drop of some- thing to drink." " Bless my life. Miss Pecksniffs! " cried Mrs. Todgers, aloud, '* your dear pa's took very poorly! " Mr. Pecksniff straightened himself by a surprising effort, as every one turned hastily toward him; and standing on his feet, regarded the assembly with a look of ineffable wisdom. Gradually it gave place to a smile; a feeble, helpless, melan- choly smile; bland, almost to sickliness. " Do not repine, my friends," said Mr. Pecksniff, tenderly. " Do not weep for me. It is chronic," And with these words, after making a futile attempt to pull off his shoes, he fell into the fire-place. The youngest gentleman in company had him out in a second. Yes, before a hair upon his head was singed, he had him on the hearth-rug. — Her father ! She was almost beside herself. So was her sister. Jinkins consoled them both. They all consoled them. Every body had something to say, except the youngest gentleman in company, who with a noble self-devotion did the heavy work, and held up Mr. Pecksniff's head without being taken notice of by any body. At last they gathered round, and agreed to carry him up-stairs to bed. The youngest gentle- man in company was rebuked by Jinkins for tearing Mr. Pecksniff's coat ! Ha, ha ! But no matter. They carried him up-stairs, and crushed the youngest gen- tleman at every step. His bed-room was at the top of the house, and it was a long way; but they got him there in course of time. He asked them frequently on the road for a little drop of something to drink. It seemed an idiosyn- MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. t6i crasy. The youngest gentleman in company proposed a draught of water. Mr, Pecksniff called him opprobrious names for the suggestion. Jinkins and Gander took the rest upon themselves, and made him as comfortable as they could, on the outside of his bed; and when he seemed disposed to sleep, they left him. But before they had all gained the bottom of the staircase, a vision of Mr. Pecksniff, strangely attired, was seen to flutter on the top landing. He desired to collect their sentiments, it seemed, upon the nature of human life. *' My friends," cried Mr. Pecksniff, looking over the banis- ters, '' let us improve our minds by mutual inquiry and dis- cussion. Let us be moral. Let us contemplate existence. Where is Jinkins ? " " Here," cried that gentleman. *' Go to bed again ! " "To bed ! " said Mr. Pecksniff. " Bed ! 'Tis the voice of the sluggard, I hear him complain, you have woke me too soon, I must slumber again. If any young orphan will repeat the remainder of that simple piece from Doctor Watts's collection an eligible opportunity now offers." Nobody volunteered. " This is very soothing," said Mr. Pecksniff, after a pause. " Extremely so. Cool and refreshing; particularly to the legs ! The legs of the human subject, my friends, are a beau- tiful production. Compare them with wooden legs, and observe the difference between the anatomy of nature and the anatomy of art. Do you know," said Mr. Pecksniff, leaning over the banisters, with an odd recollection of his familiar manner among new pupils at home, " that I should very much like to see Mrs. Todgers's notion of a wooden leg, if perfectly agreeable to herself ! " As it appeared impossible to entertain any reasonable hopes of him after this speech, Mr. Jinkins and Mr. Gander went up-stairs again, and once more got him into bed. But they had not descended to the second floor before he was out again; nor when they had repeated the process, had they descended the first flight, before he was out again. In a word, as often as he was shut up in his own room, he darted out afresh, charged with some new moral sentiment, which he continually repeated over the banisters, with extraordi- nary relish, and an irrepressible desire for the improvement of his fellow-creatures that nothing could subdue. Under these circumstances, when they had got him into bed tor the thirtieth time or so, Mr. Jenkins held him, while i62 MARTIN CHUZ2LEWIT. his companion went down-stairs in search of Bailey junior, with whom he presently returned. That youth, having been apprised of the service required of him, was in great spirits, and brought up a stool, a candle, and his supper; to the end that he might keep watch outside the bed-room door with tolerable comfort. When he had completed his arrangements, they locked Mr. Pecksniff in, and left the key on the outside; charging the young page to listen attentively for symptoms of an apoplectic nature, with which the patient might be troubled, and, in case of any such presenting themselves, to summon them without delay. To which Mr. Bailey modestly replied that " he hoped he knowed wot o'clock it was in gineral, and didn't date his letters to his friends, from Todgers's, for nothing." CHAPTER X. CONTAINING STRANGE MATTER ; ON WHICH MANY EVENTS IN THIS HISTORY MAY, FOR THEIR GOOD OR EVIL INFLUENCE, CHIEFLY DEPEND. But Mr. Pecksniff came to town on business. Had he forgotten that ? Was he always taking his pleasure with Todgers's jovial brood, unmindful of tbR serious demands, whatever they might be, upon his calm consideration ? No. Time and tide will wait for no man, saith the adage. But all men have to wait for time and tide. That tide which, taken at the flood, would lead Seth Pecksniff on to fortune, was marked down in the table, and about to flow. No idle Pecksniff lingered far inland, unmindful of the changes of the stream ; but there, upon the water's edge, over his shoes already, stood the worthy creature, prepared to wallow in the very mud, so that it slid toward the quarter of his hope. The trustfulness of his two fair daughters was beautiful indeed. They had that firm reliance on their parent's nature, which taught them to feel certain that in all he did, he had his purpose straight and full before him. And that its noble end and object was himself, which almost of neces- city included them, they knew. The devotion of these maids was perfect. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 163 Their filial confidence was rendered the more touching, by their having no knowledge of their parent's real designs, in the present instance. All that they knew of his proceed- ings, was, that every morning, after the early breakfast, he repaired to the post-office and inquired for letters. That task performed his business for the day was over ; and he again relaxed, until the rising of another sun proclaimed the advent of another post. This v/ent on, for four or five days. At length, one morn- ing, Mr. Pecksniff returned with a breathless rapidity, strange to observe in him, at other times so calm; and seek- ing immediate speech with his daughters, shut himself up with them in private conference, for two whole hours. Of all that passed in this period, only the following words of Mr. Pecksniff's utterance are known. " How he has come to change so very much (if it should turn out as I expect, that he has), we needn't stop to inquire. My dears, I have my thoughts upon the subject, but I will not impart them. It is enough that we will not be proud, resentful, or unforgiving. If he wants our friendship, he shall have it. We know our duty, I hope ! " That same day at noon, an old gentleman alighted from a hackney-coach at the post-office, and, giving his name, inquired for a letter addressed to himself, and directed to be left till called for. It had been lying there some days. The superscription was in Mr. Pecksniff's hand, and it was sealed with Mr. Pecksniff's seal. It was very short, containing indeed nothing more than an address " with Mr. Pecksniff's respectful, and (notwith- standing what has passed) sincerely affectionate regards." The old gentleman tore off the direction — scattering the rest in fragments to the winds — and giving it to the coachman, bade him drive as near that place as he could. In pur- suance of these instructions he was driven to the monument; where he again alighted, and dismissed the vehicle, and walked toward Todgers's. Though the face and form, and gait of this old man, and even his grip of the stout stick on which he leaned, were all expressive of a resolution not easily shaken, and a purpose (it matters little whether right or wrong, just now) such as in other days might have survived the rack, and had its strongest life in weakest death ; still there were grains of hesitation in his mind, which made him now avoid the house he sought, and loiter to and fro in a gleam of sunlight, that 164 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. brightened the Httle church-yard hard by. There may have been, in the presence of those idle heaps of dust among the busiest stir of life, something to increase his wavering ; but there he walked, awakening the echoes as he paced up and down, until the church clock, striking the quarters for the second time since he had been there, roused him from his meditation. Shaking off his incertitude as the air parted with the sound of the bells, he walked rapidly to the house, and knocked at the door. Mr. Pecksniff was seated in the landlady's little room, and his visitor found him reading — by an accident; he apologized for it — an excellent theological work. There were cake and wine upon a little table — by another accident, for which he also apologized. Indeed he said, he had given his visitor up, and was about to partake of that simple refreshment with his children, when he knocked at the door. "Your daughters are well ? " said old Martin, laying down his hat and stick. Mr. Pecksniff endeavored to conceal his agitation as a father when he answered. Yes, they were. They were good girls, he said, very good. He would not venture to recom- mend Mr. Chuzzlewit to take the easy-chair, or to keep out of the draught from the door. If he made any such sugges- tion, he would expose himself, he feared, to most unjust sus- picion. He would, therefore, content himself with remark- ing that there was an easy-chair in the room; and that the door was far from air-tight. The latter imperfection, he might perhaps venture to add, was not uncommonly to be met with in old houses. The old man sat down in the easy-chair, and, after a few moments' silence, said: *' In the first place, let me thank you for coming to Lon- don so promptly, at my almost unexplained request; I need scarcely add, at my cost." "At your cost, my good sir! " cried Mr. Pecksniff, in a tone of great surprise. " It is not," said Martin, waving his hand impatiently, "my habit to put my — well! my relatives — to any personal expense to gratify my caprices." " Caprices, my good sir! " cried Mr. Pecksniff. " That is scarcely the proper word, eilher, in this instance," said the old man. " No. You are right." Mr. Pecksniff was inwardly very much relieved to hear it, though he didn't at all know why. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 165 You are right," repeated Martin. " It is not a caprice. It is built upon reason, proof, and cool compassion. Caprices never are. Moreover, I am not a capricious man. I never was." " Most assuredly not," said Mr. Pecksniff. " How do you know ? " returned the other quickly. " You are to begin to know it now. You are to test and prove it, in time to come. You and yours are to find that 1 can be constant, and am not to be diverted from my end. Do you hear?" "Perfectly," said Mr. Pecksniff. '' I very much regret," Martin resumed, looking steadily at him, and speaking in a slow and measured tone; " I very much regret that you and I held such a conversation together, as that which passed between us, at our last meeting. I very much regret that I laid open to you what were then my thoughts of you, so freely as I did. The intentions that I bear toward you, now, are of another kind; deserted by all in whom I have ever trusted; hoodwinked and beset by all who should help and sustain me; I fly to you for refuge. I confide in you to be my ally; to attach yourself to me by ties of interest and expectation;" he laid great stress upon these words, though Mr. Pecksniff particularly begged him not to mention it; " and to help me to visit the consequences of the very worst species of meanness, dissimulation, and subtlety, on the right heads." *' My noble sir! " cried Mr. Pecksniff, catching at his out- stretched hand. "And you regret the having harbored unjust thoughts of me! you with those gray hairs!" " Regrets," said Martin, " are the natural property of gray hairs; and I enjoy, in common with all other men, at least my share of such inheritance. And so enough of that. I regret having been severed from you so long. If I had known you sooner, and sooner used you as you well deserve, I might have been a happier man." Mr. Pecksniff looked up to the ceiling, and clasped his hands in rapture. " Your daughters," said Martin, after a short silence. '' I don't know them. Are they like you ? " " In the nose of my eldest and the chin of my youngest, Mr. Chuzzlewit," returned the widower, " their sainted parent (not myself, their mother), lives again." " I don't mean in person," said the old man. " Morally, morally." i66 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. " 'Tis not for me to say," retorted Mr. Pecksniff with a gentle smile. " I have done my best, sir." '' I could wish to see them," said Martin; *' are they near at hand ? " They were very near; for they had in fact been listening at the door from the beginning of this conversation until now, when they precipitately retired. Having wiped the signs of weakness from his eyes, and so given them time to get up-stairs, Mr. Pecksniff opened the door, and mildly cried in the passage: '' My own darlings, where are you ? " " Here, my dear pa! " replied the distant voice of Charity. *' Come down into the back parlor, if you please, my love," said Mr. Pecksniff, '' and bring your sister with you." " Yes, my dear pa," cried Merry ; and down they came directly (being all obedience), singing as they came. Nothing could exceed the astonishment of the two Miss Pecksniffs when they found a stranger with their dear papa. Nothing could surpass their mute amazement, when he said, " My children, Mr. Chuzzlewit ! " But when he told them that Mr. Chuzzlewit and he were friends, and that Mr. Chuzzlewit had said such kind and tender words as pierced his very heart, the two Miss Pecksniffs cried with one accord, '* Thank heaven for this !" and fell upon the old man's neck. And when they had embraced him with such fervor of affec- tion that no words can describe it, they grouped themselves about his chair, and hung over him ; as figuring to them- selves no earthly joys like that of ministering to his wants, and crowding into the remainder of his life, the love they would have diffused over their whole existence, from infancy, if he — dear obdurate ! — had but consented to receive the precious offering. The old man looked attentively from one to the other and then at Mr. Pecksniff, several times. " What," he asked of Mr. Pecksniff, happening to catch his eye in its descent, for until now it had been piously upraised, with something of that expression which the poetry of ages has attributed to a domestic bird, when breathing its last amid the ravages of an electric storm — " What are their names Mr. Pecksniff told him, and added, rather hastily ; his calumniators would have said, with a view to any testamen- tary thoughts that might be flitting through old Martin's mind ; " Perhaps, my dears, you had better write them down. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 167 Your humble autographs are of no value in themselves, but affection may prize them." *' Affection," said the old man, " will expend itself on the living originals. Do not trouble yourselves, my girls, I shall not so easily forget you. Charity and Mercy, as to need such tokens of remembrance. Cousin ! " " Sir ! " said Mr. Pecksniff, with alacrity. " Do you never sit down ? " " Why, yes ; occasionally, sir," said Mr. Pecksniff, who had been standing all this time. "Will you do so now?" ** Can you ask me," returned Mr. Pecksniff, slipping into a chair immediately, " whether I will do any thing that you desire ? " " You talk confidently," said Martin, " and you mean well ; but I fear you don't know what an old man's humors are. You don't know what it is to be required to court his likings and dislikings ; to adapt yourself to his prejudices ; to do his bidding, be it what it may ; to bear with his dis- trusts and jealousies ; and always still be zealous in his serv- ice. When I remember how numerous these failings are in me, and judge of their occasional enormity by the injurious thoughts I lately entertained of you, I hardly dare to claim you for my friend." " My worthy sir," returned his relative, '* how can you talk in such a painful strain ! What was more natural than that you should make one slight mistake, when in all other respects you were so very correct and have had such reason, such very sad and undeniable reason, to judge of every one about you in the worst light ! " '' True," replied the other. "You are very lenient with me." " We always said, my girls and I," cried Mr. Pecksniff with increasing obsequiousness, " that while we mourned the heaviness of our misfortune in being confounded with the base and mercenary, still we could not wonder at it. My dears, you remember ? " Oh vividly ! A thousand times ! " We uttered no complaint," said Mr. Pecksniff. " Occa- sionally we had the presumption to console ourselves with the remark that truth would in the end prevail, and virtue be triumphant ; but not often. My loves, you recollect?" Recollect ! Could he doubt it ! Dearest pa, what strange unnecessary questions ! i68 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. ''And when I saw you," resumed Mr. Pecksniff, with still greater deference, " in the little, unassuming village where we take the liberty of dwelling, I said you were mistaken in me, my dear sir ; that was all, I think ?" " No, not all," said Martin, who had been sitting with his hand upon his brow for some time past and now looked up again : " you said much more, which, added to other cir- cumstances that have come to my knowledge, opened my eyes. You spoke to me, disinterestedly, on behalf of — I needn't name him. You know who I mean," Trouble was expressed in Mr. Pecksniff's visage, as he pressed his hot hands together and replied with humility, " Quite disinterestedly, sir, I assure you." "I know it," said old Martin, in his quiet way. " I am sure of it. I said so. It was disinterested too, in you, to draw that herd of harpies off from me, and to be their victim yourself ; most other men would have suffered them to dis- play themselves in all their rapacity, and would have striven to rise, by contrast, in my estimation. You felt for me and drew them off, for which I owe you many thanks. Although I left the place, I know what passed behind my back, you see! " "You amaze me, sir! " cried Mr. Pecksniff; which was true enough. " My knowledge of your proceedings," said the old man, " does not stop at this. You have a new inmate in your house." " Yes, sir," rejoined the architect, *' I have." " He must quit it," said Martin. " For — for yours! " asked Mr. Pecksniff, with a quivering mildness. " For any shelter he can find," the old man answered. " He has deceived you." " 1 hope not," said Mr. Pecksniff, eagerly. '' I trust not. I have been extremely well disposed toward that young man. I hope it can not be shown that he has forfeited all claim to my protection. Deceit, deceit, my dear Mr. Chuz- zlewit, would be final. I should hold myself bound, on proof of deceit, to renounce him instantly." The old man glanced at both his fair supi)orters, but especially at Miss Mercy, whom, indeed, he looked full in the face, with a greater demonstration of interest than had yet appeared in his features. His gaze again encountered Mr. Pecksniff, as he said, composedly: MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 169 " Of course you know that he has made his matrimonial choice ? " " Oh dear ! " cried Mr. Pecksniff, rubbing his hair up very- stiff upon his head, and staring wildly at his daughters. " This is becoming tremendous! " " You know the fact ? " repeated Martin. " Surely not without his grandfather's consent and appro- bation, my dear sir! " cried Mr. Pecksniff. *' Don't tell me that. For the honor of human nature, say you're not about to tell me that ! " " I thought he had suppressed it," said the old man. The indignation felt by Mr. Pecksniff at this terrible dis- closure, was only to be equaled by the kindling anger of his daughters. What! Had they taken to their hearth and home a secretly contracted serpent ; a crocodile, who had made a furtive offer of his hand; an imposition on society; a bankrupt bachelor with no effects, trading with the spinster world on false pretenses! And oh, to think that he should have disobeyed and practiced on that sweet, that venerable gentleman, v/hose name he bore; that kind and tender guard- ian; his more than father (to say nothing at all of mother), horrible, horrible ! To turn him out with ignominy would be treatment much too good. Was there nothing else that could be done to him ? Had he incurred no legal pains and penalties? Could it be that the statutes of the land were so remiss as to have affixed no punishment to such delinquency? Monster; how basely had they been deceived 1 *' I am glad to find you second me so warmly," said the old man, holding up his hand to stay the torrent of their wrath. " I will not deny that it is a pleasure to me to find you so full of zeal. We will consider that topic as disposed of." *' No, my dear sir," cried Mr. Pecksniff, " not as disposed of, until I have purged my house of this pollution." '* That will follow," said the old man, '' in its own time. I look upon that as done." " You are very good, sir," answered Mr, Pecksniff, shaking his hand. " You do me honor. You may look upon it as done, I assure you." ** There is another topic," said Martin, " on which 1 hope you will assist me. You remember Mary, cousin? " " The young lady that I mentioned to you, my dears, as having interested me so very much," remarked Mr. Peck- sniff. " Excuse my interrupting you, sir." 170 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. * I told her your history," said the old man. " Which I also mentioned, you will recollect, my dears,'' cried Mr. Pecksniff. " Silly girls, Mr. Chuzzlewit. Quite moved by it, they were ! " " Why look now! " said Martin, evidently pleased : " I feared I should have had to urge her case upon you, and ask you to regard her favorably for my sake. But I find you have no jealousies ! Well 1 You have no cause for any, to be sure. She has nothing to gain from me, my dears, and she knows it." The two Miss Pecksniffs murmured their approval of this wise arrangement, and their cordial sympathy with its inter- esting object. *' If I could have anticipated what has come to pass between us four," said the old man, thoughtfully ; " but it is too late to think of that. You would receive her court- eously, young ladies, and be kind to her, if need were ? " Where was the orphan whom the two Miss Pecksniffs would not have cherished in their sisterly bosom ! But when that orphan was commended to their care by one on whom the dammed-up love of years was gushing forth, what exhaust- less stores of pure affection yearned to expend themselves upon her ! An interval ensued, during which Mr. Chuzzlewit, in an absent frame of mind, sat gazing at the ground, without utter- ing a word ; and as it was plain that he had no desire to be interrupted in his meditations, Mr. Pecksniff and his daugh- ters were profoundly silent also. During the whole of the foregoing dialogue, he had borne his part with a cold, pas- sionless promptitude, as though he had learned and painfully rehearsed it all, a hundred times. Even when his expressions were warmest and his language most encouraging, he had retained the same manner, without the least abatement. But now there was a keener brightness in his eye, and more expression in his voice, as he said, awakening from his thoughtful mood : *' You know what will be said of this ? Have you reflected ? " " Said of what, my dear sir ? " Mr. Pecksniff asked. " Of this new understanding between us." Mr. Pecksniff looked benevolently sagacious, and at the same time far above all earthly misconstruction, as he shook his head, and observed that a great many things would be said of it, no doubt. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 171 "A great many," rejoined the old man. "Some will say that I dote in my old age ; that illness has shaken me ; that I have lost all strength of mind ; and have grown childish. You can bear that ? " Mr. Pecksniff answered that it would be dreadfully hard to bear, but he thought he could, if he made a great effort. '' Others will say — I speak of disappointed, angry people only — that you have lied, and fawned, and wormed yourself through dirty ways into my favor ; by such concessions and such crooked deeds, such meannesses and vile endurances, as nothing could repay ; no, not the legacy of half the world we live in. You can bear that ? " Mr. Pecksniff made reply that this would be also very hard to bear, as reflecting in some degree, on the discern- ment of Mr. Chuzzlewit. Still he had a modest confidence that he could sustain the calumny, with the help of a good conscience, and that gentleman's friendship. '* With the great mass of slanderers," said old Martin, leaning back in his chair, " the tale, as I clearly foresee, will run thus : That to mark my contempt for the rabble whom I despise, I chose from among them the very worst, and made him do my will, and pampered and enriched him at the cost of all the rest. That after casting about for the means of a punishment which should rankle in the bosoms of these kites the most, and strike into t?ieir gall, I. devised this scheme at a time when the last link in the chain of grateful love and duty, that held me to my race, was roughly snapped asunder ; roughly, for I loved him well ; roughly, for I had ever put my trust in his affection; roughly, for that he broke it when I loved him most, God help me ! and he without a pang could throw me off, v/hile I clung about his heart ! Now," said the the old man, dismissing this passionate outburst, as suddenly as he had yielded to it, *' is your mind made up to bear this likewise ? Lay your account with having it to bear, and put no trust in being set right by me." " My dear Mr. Chuzzlewit," cried Pecksniff in an ecstasy, " for such a man as you have shown yourself to be this day ; for a man so injured, yet so very humane ; for a man so — I am at a loss what precise term to use — yet at the same time so remarkably — I don't know how to express my meaning ; for such a man as I have described, I hope it is no presump- tion to say that I, and I am sure I may add my children also 172 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. (my dears, we perfectly agree in this, I think ?), would bear any thing whatever ! " "Enough," said Martin. "You can charge no conse- quences on me. When do you return home ? " " Whenever you please, my dear sir. To-night if you desire it." " I desire nothing," returned the old man, "that is unrea- sonable. Such a request would be. Will you be ready to return at the end of this week ? " The very time of all others that Mr. Pecksniff would have suggested if it had been left to him to make his own choice. As to his daughters, the words, " Let us be at home on Sat- urday, dear pa," were actually upon their lips. " Your expenses, cousin," said Martin, taking a folded slip of paper from his pocket-book, " may possibly exceed that amount. If so, let me know the balance that I owe you, when we next meet. It would be useless if I told you where I live just now ; indeed, I have no fixed abode. When I have, you shall know it. You and your daughters may expect to see me before long ; in the meantime I need not tell you, that we keep our own confidence. What you will do when you get home, is understood between us. Give me no account of it at any time ; and never refer to it in any way. I ask that as a favor. I am commonly a man of few words, cousin ; and all that need be said just now is said, I think." '^ One glass of wine, one morsel of this homely cake ? " cried Mr. Pecksniff, venturing to detain him. " My dears ! " The sisters flew to wait upon him. " Poor girls ! " said Mr. Pecksniff. " You will excuse their agitation, my dear sir. They are made up of feeling. A bad commodity to go through the world with, Mr. Chuz- zlewit ! My youngest daughter is almost as much of a woman as my eldest, is she not, sir } " " Which is the youngest ? " asked the old man. " Mercy, by five years," said Mr. Pecksniff. " We some- times venture to consider her rather a fine figure, sir. Speak- ing as an artist, I may perhaps be permitted to suggest, that its outline is graceful and correct. I am naturally," said Mr. Pecksniff, drying his hands upon his handkerchief, and looking anxiously in his cousin's face at almost every word, " proud, if I may use the expression, to have a daughter who is constructed unon the best models." She seems to have a iivcly disposition," observed Martin. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 173 " Dear me ! " said Mr. Pecksniff. " That is quite remarka- ble. You have defined her character, my dear sir, as cor- rectly as if you had known her from her birth. She has a lively disposition. I assure you, my dear sir, that in our unpretending home, her gayety is delightful." " No doubt," returned the old man. '' Charity, upon the other hand," said Mr. Pecksniff, " is remarkable for strong sense, and for rather a deep tone of sentiment, if the partiality of a father may be excused in say- ing so. A wonderful affection betv/een them, my dear sir ! Allow me to drink your health. Bless you ! " " I little thought," retorted Martin, " but a month ago, that I should be breaking bread and pouring wine with you. I drink to you." Not at all abashed by the extraordinary abruptness with which these latter words were spoken, Mr. Pecksniff thanked him devoutly. "Nowletme go," said Martin, putting down the wine when he had merely touched it with his lips. " My dears, good morning ! " But this distant form of farewell was by no means tender enough for the yearnings of the young ladies, who again embraced him with all their hearts — with all their arms at any rate — to which parting caresses their new-found friend submitted with a better grace than might have been expected from one who, not a moment before, had pledged their parent in such a very uncomfortable manner. These endearments terminated, he took a hasty leave of Mr. Pecksniff, and with- drew, followed to the door by both father and daughters, who stood there, kissing their hands, and beaming with affection until he disappeared ; though, by the way, he never once looked back, after he had crossed the threshold. When they returned into the house, and were again alone in Mrs. Todgers's room, the two young ladies exhibited an unusual amount of gayety ; insomuch that they clapped their hands, and laughed, and looked with roguish aspects and a bantering air upon their dear papa. This conduct was so very unaccountable, that Mr. Pecksniff (being singularly grave himself) could scarcely choose but ask them what it meant ; and took them to task, in his gentle manner, for yielding to such light emotions. " If it was possible to divine any cause for this merriment, even the most remote," he said, *' I should not reprove you. But >vhen you can have none whatever — oh, really, really ! " 174 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. This admonition had so little effect on Mercy, that she was obliged to hold her handkerchief before her rosy lips, and to throw herself back in her chair, with every demonstration of extreme amusement ; which want of duty so offended Mr. Pecksniff that he reproved her in set terms, and gave her his parental advice to correct herself in solitude and contempla- tion. But at that juncture they were disturbed by the sound of voices in dispute ; and as it proceeded from the next room, the subject matter of the altercation quickly reached their ears. ** I don't care that ! Mrs, Todgers," said the young gentleman who had been the youngest gentleman in company on the day of the festival ; *' I don't care that^ ma'am," said he, snapping his fingers, '' for Jinkins. Don't suppose I do." *' I am quite certain you don't, sir," replied Mrs. Todgers. " You have too independent a spirit, I know, to yield to any body. And quite right. There is no reason why you should give way to any gentleman. Every body must be well aware of that." " I should think no more of admitting daylight into the fellow," said the youngest gentleman, in a desperate voice, " than if he was a bull-dog." Mrs. Todgers did not stop to inquire whether, as a mat- ter of principle, there was any particular reason for admit- ting daylight even into a bull-dog, otherwise than by the natural channel of his eyes ; but she seemed to wring her hands, and she moaned. *' Let him be careful," said the youngest gentleman. *' I give him warning. No man shall step between me and the current of my vengeance. I know a cove — " he used that familiar epithet in his agitation, but corrected himself, by adding, *' a gentleman of property, I mean — who practices with a pair of pistols (fellows too) of his own. If I am driven to borrow 'em, and to send a friend to Jinkins, a tragedy will get into the papers. That's all." Again Mrs. Todgers moaned. " I have borne this long enough," said the youngest gen- tleman, " but now my soul rebels against it, and I won't stand it any longer. I left home originally, because I had that within me which wouldn't be domineered over by a sister ; and do you think I'm going to be put down by hirn^ No." " It is very wrong in Mr. Jiukias ; I know it is perfectly MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 175 inexcusable in Mr. Jinkins, if he intends it," observed Mrs. Todgers. '' If he intends it ! " cried the youngest gentleman. " Don't he interrupt and contradict me on every occasion ? Does he ever fail to interpose himself between me and any thing or any body that he sees I have set my mind upon ? Does he make a point of always pretending to forget me, when he's pouring out the beer ? Does he make bragging remarks about his razors, and insulting allusions to people who have no necessity to shave more than once a week ? But let him look out ! He'll find himself shaved, pretty close, before long, and so I tell him." The young gentleman was mistaken in this closing sen- tence, inasmuch as he never told it to Jinkins, but always to Mrs. Todgers. " However," he said, " these are not proper subjects for ladies* ears. All I've got to say to you, Mrs. Todgers, is, a week's notice from next Saturday. The same house can't contain that miscreant and me any longer. If we get over the intermediate time without bloodshed, you may think yourself pretty fortunate. I don't myself expect we shall." ** Dear, dear ! " cried Mrs. Todgers, "what would I have given to have prevented this ? To lose you, sir, would be like losing the house's right-hand. So popular as you are among the gentlemen ; so generally looked up to ; and so much liked ! I do hope you'll think better of it ; if on nobody else's account, on mine." '' There's jinkins," said the youngest gentleman, moodily. '* Your favorite. He'll console you and the gentlemen too, for the loss of twenty such as me. I'm not understood in this house. I never have been." " Don't run away with that opinion, sir ! " cried Mrs. Todgers, with a show of honest indignation. " Don't make such a charge as that against the establishment, I must beg of you. It is not so bad as that comes to, sir. Make any remark you please against the gentleman, or against me ; but don't say you're not understood in this house." "I'm not treated as if I was," said the youngest gentle- man. ~^* There you make a great mistake, sir," returned Mrs. Todgers, in the same strain. '' As many of the gentlemen and I have often said, you are too sensitive. That's where it is. You are of too susceptible a nature ; it's in your spirit." 176 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. The young gentleman coughed. ** And as," said Mrs. Todgers, "as to Mr. Jinkins, I must beg of you, if we are to part, to understand that I don't abet Mr. Jinkins, by any means. Far from it, I could wish that Mr. Jinkins would take a lower tone in this establishment, and would not be the means of raising differences between me and gentlemen that I can much less bear to part with, than I could with Mr. Jinkins. Mr. Jinkins is not such a boarder, sir," added Mrs. Todgers, " that all consideration of private feeling and respect give way before him. Quite the contrary, 1 assure you." The young gentleman was so much mollified by these and similar speeches on the part of Mrs. Todgers, that he and that lady gradually changed positions; so that she became the injured party, and he was understood to be the injurer; but in a complimentary, not in an offensive sense; his crnel conduct being attributable to his exalted nature, and to that alone. So, in the end, the young gentleman withdrew his notice, and assured Mrs. Todgers of his unalterable regard, and having done so, went back to business. " Goodness me. Miss Pecksniffs ! " cried that lady, as she came into the back room, and sat wearily dov/n, with her basket on her knees, and her hands folded upon it, '' what a trial of temper it is to keep a house like this ! You must have heard most of what has just passed. Now, did you ever hear the like ? " " Never ! " said the two Miss Pecksniffs. " Of all the ridiculous young fellows that ever I had to deal with," resumed Mrs. Todgers, '' that is the most ridicu- lous and unreasonable. Mr. Jinkins is hard upon him some- times, but not half as hard as he deserves. To mention such a gentleman as Mr. Jinkins in the same breath with hitn. You know it's too much ! And yet, he's as jealous of him, bless you, as if he was his equal." The young ladies were greatly entertained by Mrs. Tod- gers's account, no less than with certain anecdotes illustra- tive of the youngest gentleman's character, which she went on to tell them. But Mr. Pecksniff looked quite stern and angry; and when she had concluded, said in a solemn voice : *' Pray, Mrs. Todgers, if I may inquire, what does that young gentlemfin contribute toward the support of these premises t " MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 177 " Why, sir, for what he has, he pays about eighteen shil- lings a week ! " said Mrs. Todgers. ** Eighteen shillings a week ! " repeated Mr. Pecksniff. '' Taking one week with another; as near that as possible," said Mrs. Todgers. Mr. Pecksniff rose from his chair, folded his arms, looked at her and shook his head. '* And do you mean to say, ma'am, is it possible, Mrs. Todgers, that for such a miserable consideration as eighteen shillings a week, a female of your understanding can so far demean herself as to wear a double face, even for an instant ? " " I am forced to keep things on the square if I can, sir," faltered Mrs. Todgers. " I must preserve peace among them and keep my connection together^ if possible, Mr. Pecksniff. The profit is very small." " The profit ! " cried that gentleman, laying great stress upon the word. *' The profit, Mrs. Todgers ! You amaze me ! " He was so severe that Mrs. Todgers shed tears. '' The profit ! " repeated Mr. Pecksniff. " The profit of dissimulation ! To worship the golden calf of Baal for eight- een shillings a week ! " " Don't in your own goodness be too hard upon me, Mr. Pecksniff," cried Mrs. Todgers, taking out her handkerchief. ''Oh calf, calf!" cried Mr. Pecksniff, mournfully. "Oh Baal, Baal ! Oh my friend, Mrs. Todgers ! To barter away that precious jewel, self-esteem, and cringe to any mortal creature — for eighteen shillings a week ! " He was so subdued and overcome by the reflection, that he immediately took down his hat from its peg in the passage and went out for a walk, to compose his feelings. Any body passing him in the street might have known him for a good man at first sight; for his whole figure teemed with a con- sciousness of the moral homily he had read to Mrs. Todgers. Eighteen shillings a week ! Just, most just, thy censure, upright Pecksniff ! Had it been for the sake of a ribbon, star, or garter; sleeves of lawn, a great man's smile, a seat in parliament, a tap upon the shoulder from a courtly sword; a place, a party, or a thriving lie, or eighteen thousand pounds, or even eighteen hundred; — but to worship the golden calf for eighteen shillings a week ! Oh pitiful, pitiful ! lyS MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. CHAPTER XL WHEREIN A CERTAIN GENTLEMAN BECOMES PARTICULAR IN HIS ATTENTIONS TO A CERTAIN LADY; AND MORE COMING EVENTS THAN ONE, CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE^ The family were within two or three days of their depart- ure from Mrs. Todgers's, and the commercial gentlemen were to a man despondent and not to be comforted, because of the approaching separation, when Bailey junior, at the jocund time of noon, presented himself before Miss Charity Peck- sniff, then sitting with her sister in the banquet chamber, hemming six new pocket-handkerchiefs for Mr. Jinkins; and having expressed a hope, preliminary and pious, that he might be blest, gave her i*^ his pleasant way to understand that a visitor attended to pay his respects to her, and was at that moment waiting in the drawing-room. Perhaps this last announcement showed in a more striking point of view than many lengthened speeches could have done, the trust- fulness and faith of Bailey's nature ; since he had, in fact, last seen the visitor upon the door-mat, where, after signifying to him that he would do well to go up-stairs, he had left him to the guidance of his own sagacity. Hence it was at least an even chance that the visitor was then wandering on the roof of the house, or vainly seeking to extricate himself from a maze of bed-rooms ; Todgers's being precisely that kind of establishment in which an unpiloted stranger is pretty sure to find himself in some place where he least expects and least desires to be. " A gentleman for me ! " cried Charity, pausing in her work ; '*my gracious, Bailey ! " '* Ah ! " said Bailey. " It is my gracious, ain't it ! Wouldn't I be gracious neither, not if 1 was him ! " The remark was rendered somewhat obscure in itself, by reason (as the reader may have observed) of a redundancy of negatives ; but accompanied by action expressive of a faithful couple walking arm-in-arm toward a parochial church mutually exchanging looks of love, it clearly signifies this youth's conviction that the caller's purpose was of an amor- ous tendency. Miss Charity affected to reprove so great a liberty ; but she could not help smiling. He was a strange boy to be sure. There was always some ground of proba- bility and likelihood mingled with his absurd behavior. That was the best of it I MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 179 " But I don't know any gentleman, Bailey," said Miss Pecksniff. " I think you must have made a mistake." Mr. Bailey smiled at the extreme kindness of such a sup- position, and regarded the young ladies with unimpaired affability. '' My dear Merry," said Charity, " who can it be ? Isn't it odd ? I have a great mind not to go to him really. So very strange you know ! " The younger sister plainly considered that this appeal had its origin in the pride of being called upon and asked for; and that it was intended as an assertion of superiority, and a retaliation upon her for having captured the commercial gentlemen. Therefore, she replied, with great affection and politeness, that it was, no doubt, very strange indeed ; and that she was totally at a loss to conceive what the ridiculous person unknown could mean by it. " Quite impossible to divine ! " said Charity, and with some sharpness, " though still, at the same time, you needn't be angry, my dear." " Thank you," retorted Merry, singing at her needle. " I am quite aware of that, my love." " I am afraid your head is turned, you silly thing," said Cherry. " Do you know, my dear," said Merry, with engaging can- dor, " that I have been afraid of that, myself, all along ! So much incense and nonsense, and all the rest of it, is enough to turn a stronger head than mine. What a relief it must be to you, my dear, to be so very comfortable in that respect, and not to be worried by those odious men ! How do you do it, Cherry ?'; This artless inquiry might have led to turbulent results, but for the strong emotions of delight evinced by Bailey junior, whose relish in the turn the conversation had lately taken was so acute, that it impelled and forced him to the instantaneous performance of a dancing step, extremely dif- ficult in its nature, and only to be achieved in a moment of ecstasy, which is commonly called the Frog's Hornpipe. A manifestation so lively, brought to their immediate recollec- tion the great virtuous precept, " Keep up appearances what- ever you do," in which they had been educated. They for- bore at once, and jointly signified to Mr. Bailey, that if he should presume to practice that figure any more in their pres- ence, they would instantly acquaint Mrs. Todgers with the fact, and would demand his condign punishment at the hands i8o MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. of that lady. The young gentleman having expressed the bitterness of his contrition by affecting to wipe away scald- ing tears with his apron, and afterward feigning to wring a vast amount of water from that garment, held the door open while Miss Charity passed out ; and so that damsel went in state up-stairs to receive her mysterious adorer. By some strange concurrence of favorable circumstances he had found out the drawing-room, and was sitting there alone. " Ah, cousin ! " he said. *' Here I am, you see. You thought I was lost, I'll be bound. Well ! how do you find yourself by this time ? " Miss Charity replied that she was quite well, and gave Mr. Jonas Chuzzlewit her hand. "That's right," said Mr. Jonas, " and you've got over the fatigues of the journey, have you ? I say. How's the other one ? " " My sister is very well, I believe," returned the young lady. " I have not heard her complain of any indisposition, sir. Perhaps you would like to see her, and ask her your- self ? " " No, no, cousin ! " said Mr. Jonas, sitting down beside her on the window-seat. " Don't be in a hurry. There's no occasion for that, you know. *' What a cruel girl you are." " It's impossible for you to know," said Cherry, " whether I am or not." " Well, perhaps it is," said Mr. Jonas. " I say! Did you think I was lost? You haven't told me that." " I didn't think at all about it," answered Cherry. '' Didn't you though ? " said Jonas, pondering upon this strange reply. '' — Did the other one ? " " I am sure it is impossible for me to say what my sister may, or may not have thought on such a subject," cried Cherry. '^ She never said any thing to me about it one way or other." " Didn't she laugh about it ? " inquired Jonas. '* No. She didn't even laugh about it," answered Charity. *' She's a terrible one to laugh, ain't she ? " said Jonas, lowering his voice. " She is very lively," said Cherry. " Liveliness is a pleasant thing — when it don't lead to spending money. An't it ? " said Mr. Jonas. "Very much so, indeed," said Cherry, with a dcnuircness of manner that gave a very disinterested character to her assent. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. i8i " Such liveliness as yours I mean, you know," observed Mr. Jonas, as he nudged her with his elbow. " I should have come to see you before, but I didn't know where you was. How quick you hurried off that morning ? " *' I was amenable to my papa's directions," said Miss Charity. " I wish he had given me his direction," returned her cousin, " and then I should have found you out before. Why I shouldn't have found you even now, if I hadn't met him in the street this morning. What a sleek, sly chap he is ! Just like a tomcat, an't he ? " ** I must trouble you to have the goodness to speak more respectfully of my papa, Mr. Jonas," said Charity. " I can't allow such a tone as that, even in jest." *' Ecod, you may say what you like of my father, then, and so I give you leave," said Jonas. " I think it's liquid aggravation that circulates through his veins, and not regular blood. How old should you think my father was, cousin ?" " Old, no doubt," replied Miss Charity ; " but a fine old gentleman," "A fine old gentleman ! " repeated Jonas, giving the crown of his hat an angry knock. " Ah ! It's time he was think- ing of being drawn out a little finer, too. Why, he's eighty ! " " Is he, indeed '" said the young lady. " And ecod," cried Jonas, " now he's gone so far without giving in, I don't see much to prevent his being ninety ; no, nor even a hundred. " Why, a man with any feeling ought to be ashamed of being eighty, let alone more, Where's his religion I should like to know, when he goes flying in the face of the Bible like that ? Three-score and ten's the mark; and no man with a conscience, and a proper sense of what's expected of him, has any business to live longer." Is any one surprised at Mr. Jonas making such a reference to such a book for such a purpose? Does any one doubt the old saw, that the devil (being a layman) quotes scripture for his own ends ? If he will take the trouble to look about him he -may find a greater number of confirmations of the fact in the occurrences of any single day, than the steam-gun can discharge balls in a minute. *' But there's enough of my father," said Jonas; "it's of no use to go putting one's-self out of the way by talking about him. I called to ask you to come and take a walk, cousii\ iS2 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. and see some of the sights; and to come to our house after- ward, and have a bit of something. Pecksniff will most likely look in in the evening, he says, and bring you home. See, here's his writing; I made him put it down this morning, when he told me he shouldn't be back before I came here; in case you wouldn't believe me. " There's nothing like proot is there ? Ha, ha ! I say — you'll bring the other one, you know ! " Miss Charity cast her eyes upon her father's autograph, which merely said : " Go, my children, with your cousin. Let there be union among us when it is possible ; " and after enough of hesitation to impart a proper value to her consent, withdrew, to prepare her sister and herself for the excursion. She soon returned, accompanied by Miss Mercy, who was by no means pleased to leave the brilliant triumphs of Todgers's for the society of Mr. Jonas and his respected father. *' Aha ! " cried Jonas. There you are, are you .'' " " Yes, fright," said Mercy, " here 1 am ; and I would much rather be anywhere else, I assure you." " You don't mean that," cried Mr. Jonas. ^' You can't, you know. It isn't possible." " You can have what opinion you like, fright," retorted Mercy. " I am content to keep mine ; and mine is that you are a very unpleasant, odious, disagreeable person." Here she laughed heartily, and seemed to enjoy herself very much. " Oh, you're a sharp gal ! " said Mr. Jonas. " She's a regular teazer, an't she, cousin ? " Miss Charity replied in effect, that she was unable to say what the habits and propensities of a regular teazer might be ; and that even if she possessed such information, it would ill become her to admit the existence of any creature with such an unceremonious name in her family ; far less in the person of a beloved sister ; '* whatever," added Cherry with an angry glance, "whatever her real nature may be." " Well, my dear," said Merry, " the only observation 1 have to make, is, that if we don't go out at once, I shall cer- tainly take my bonnet off again, and stay at home." This threat had the desired effect of preventing any further altercation, for Mr. Jonas immediately proposed an adjourn- ment, and the same being carried unanimously, they departed from the house straightway. On the door-step, Mr. Jonas gave an arm to each cousin ; which act of gallantry being observed by Bailey junior, from the garret window, was MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 183 by him saluted with a loud and violent fit of coughing, to which paroxysm he was still the victim when they turned the corner. Mr. Jonas inquired in the first instance if they were good walkers, and being answered, '* Yes," submitted their pedes- trian powers to a pretty severe test ; for he showed them as many sights, in the way of bridges, churches, streets, out- sides of theaters, and other free spectacles, in that one after- noon, as most people see in a twelvemonth. It was observ- able in this gentleman, that he had an insurmountable dis- taste to the insides of buildings ; and that he was perfectly acquainted with the merits of all shows, in respect of which there was any charge for admission, which it seemed were every one detestable, and of the very lowest grade of merit. He was so thoroughly possessed with this opinion, that when Miss Charity happened to mention the circumstance of their having been twice or thrice to the theater with Mr. Jinkins and party, he inquired, as a matter of course, " where the orders came from?" and being told that Mr. Jinkins and party paid, was beyond description entertained, observ- ing that '' they must be nice fiats, certainly ; " and often in the course of the walk, bursting out again into a perfect con- vulsion of laughter at the surpassing silliness of those gentle- men, and (doubtless) at his own superior wisdom. When they had been out for some hours and were thor- oughly fatigued, it being by that time twilight, Mr. Jonas intimated that he would show them one of the best pieces of fun with which he was acquainted. This joke was of a practical kind, and its humor lay in taking a hackney-coach to the extreme limits of possibility for a shilling. Happily it brought them to the place where Mr. Jonas dwelt, or the young ladies might have rather missed the point and cream of the jest. The old-established firm of Anthony Chuzzlewit and Son, Manchester warehousemen, and so forth, had its place of business in a very narrow street somewhere behind the post office ; where every house was in the brightest summer morning very gloomy ; and where light porters watered the pavement, each before his own employer's premises, in fan- tastic patterns, in the dog-days ; and where spruce gentle- men with their hands in the pockets of symmetrical trow- sers, were always to be seen in warm weather, contemplating their undeniable boots in dusty warehouse doorways ; which appeared to be the hardest work they did, except now and i84 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. then carrying pens behind their ears. A dim, dirty, smoky, tumble-down, rotten old house it was, as any body would desire to see ; but there the firm of Anthony Chuzzlewit and Son transacted all their business and their pleasure too, such as it was ; for neither the young man nor the old had any other residence, or any care or thought beyond its narrow limits. Business, as may be readily supposed, was the main thing in this establishment ; insomuch indeed that it shouldered com- fort out of doors, and jostled the domestic arrangements at every turn. Thus in the miserable bed-rooms there were files of moth-eaten letters hanging up against the walls; and linen rollers, and fragments of old patterns, and odds and ends of spoiled goods, strewn upon the ground; while the meager bedsteads, washing-stands, and scraps of carpet, were huddled away into corners as objects of secondary con- sideration, not to be thought of but as disagreeable necessi- ties, furnishing no profit, and intruding on the one affair of life. The single sitting-room was on the same principle, a chaos of boxes and old papers, and had more counting-house stools in it than chairs; not to mention a great monster of a desk straddling over the middle of the floor, and an iron safe sunk into the wall above the fire-place. The solitary little table for purposes of refection and social enjoyment, bore as fair a proportion to the desk and other business furniture, as the graces and harmless relaxations of life had ever done, in the persons of the old man and his son, to their pursuit of wealth. It was meanly laid out now, for dinner; and in a chair before the fire, sat Anthony himself, who rose to greet his son and his fair cousins as they entered. An ancient proverb warns us that we should not expect to find old heads upon young shoulders; to which it maybe added that we seldom meet with that unnatural combination, but we feel a strong desire to knock them off; merely from an inherent love we have of seeing things in their right places. It is not improbable that many men, in no wise choleric by nature, felt this impulse rising up within them, when they first made the acquaintance of Mr. Jonas; but if they had known him more intimately in his own house, and had sat with him at his own board, it would assuredly have been paramount to all other considerations. " Well, ghost !" said Mr. Jonas, dutifully addressing his parent by that titlex " Is dinner nearly ready ? " ^' I should think it was," rejoined the old man. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 185 " What's the good of that ? " rejoined the son. " I should think it was. I want to know." " Ah ! I don't know for certain," said Anthony. "You don't know for certain," rejoined his son in a lower tone. " No. You don't know any thing for certain, you don't. Give me your candle here. I want it for the gals." Anthony handed him a battered old office candlestick, with which Mr. Jonas preceded the young ladies to the nearest bed-room, where he left them to take off their shawls and bonnets; and returning, occupied himself in opening a bottle of wine, sharpening the carving-knife, and muttering compliments to his father, until they and the dinner appeared together. The repast consisted of a hot leg of mutton with greens and potatoes; and the dishes having been set upon the table by a slipshod old woman, they were left to enjoy it after their own manner.* " Bachelor's Hall you know, cousin," said Mr. Jonas to Charity. " I say — the other one will be having a laugh at this when she gets home, won't she .<* Here; you sit on the right side of me, and I'll have her upon the left. Other one, will you come here ? " " You're such a fright," replied Mercy, " that I know I shall have no appetite if I sit so near you; but I suppose I must." "An't she lively ? " whispered Mr. Jonas to the elder sis- ter, with his favorite elbow emphasis, "Oh I really don't know ! " replied Miss Pecksniff, tartly. "I am tired of being asked such ridiculous questions." " What's that precious old father of mine about now ? " said Mr. Jonas, seeing that his parent was traveling up and do"wn the room, instead of taking his seat at table. " What are you looking for ? " " I've lost my glasses, Jonas," said old Anthony. "Sit down without your glasses, can't you t " returned his son. "You don't eat or drink out of 'em, I think; and Where's that sleepy-headed old Chuffey got to ! Now, stupid. Oh ! you know your name, do you ? " It would seem that he didn't, for he didn't come until the father called. As he spoke, the door of a small glass office, which was partitioned off from the rest of the room, was slowly opened, and a little blear-eyed, weazen-faced, ancient man came creeping out. He was of a remote fashion, and dusty, like the rest of the furniture; he was dressed in a decayed suit of black; v/ith breeches garnished at the knees i86 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. with rusty whisps of ribbon, the very paupers of shoe-strings; on the lower portion of his spindle legs were dingy worsted stockings of the same color. He looked as if he had been put away and forgotten half a century before, and somebody had just found him in a lumber-closet. Such as he was, he came slowly creeping on toward the table, until at last he crept into the vacant chair, from which, as his dim faculties became conscious of the presence of strangers, and those strangers ladies, he rose again, apparently intend- ing to make a bow. But he sat down once more, without having made it, and breathing on his shriveled hands to warm them, remained with his poor blue nose immovable above his plate, looking at nothing with eyes that saw noth- ing, and a face that meant nothing. Take him in that state, and he was an embodiment of nothing. Nothing else. '' Our clerk," said Mr. Jonas, as host and master of the ceremonies. *' Old Chuff ey." " Is he deaf ? " inquired one of the young ladies. ** No, I don't know that he is. He an't deaf, is he, father .? " " I never heard him say he was," replied the old man. *' Blind .'' " inquired the young ladies. ** N — no. I never understood that he was at all blind," said Jonas, carelessly. " You don't consider him so, do you father?" " Certainly not," replied Anthony. *' What is he then?" "Why, I'll tell you what he is," said Mr. Jonas, apart to the young ladies, " he's precious old for one thing ; and I an't best pleased with him for that, for I think my father must have caught it of him. He's a strange old chap, for another," he added in a louder voice, *^ and don't understand any one hardly, but /lim / " He pointed to his honored parent with the carving-fork, in order that they might know whom he meant. *' How very strange ! " cried the sisters. "Why, you see," said Mr. Jonas, "he's been addling his old brains with figures and book-keeping all his life ; and twenty years ago or so he went and took a fever. All the time he was out of his 1 ead (which was three weeks) he never left off casting up ; and he got to so many million at last that I don't believe he's ever been quite right since. Wc don't do much business now though, and he an't a bad clerk." MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 187 " A very good one," said Anthony. " Well ! He an't a dear one at all events," observed Jonas ; " and he earns his salt, which is enough for our look- out. I was telling you that he hardly understands any one except my father ; he always understands him though, and wakes up quite wonderful. He's been used to his ways so long, you see ! Why, I've seen him play whist, with my father for a partner ; and a good rubber too ; when he had no more notion what sort of people he was playing against, than you have." ** Has he no appetite ? " asked Merry. " Oh yes," said Jonas, plying his own knife and fork very fast. '' He eats — when he's helped. But he don't care whether he waits a minute or an hour, as long as father's here ; so when I'm at all sharp set, as I am to-day, I come to him after I've taken the edge off my own hunger, you know. Now, Chuffey, stupid, are you ready ? " Chuffey remained immovable. " Always a perverse old file, he was," said Mr. Jonas, coolly helping himself to another slice, " ask him, father." *' Are you ready for your dinner, Chuffey ? " asked the old man. " Yes, yes," said Chuffey, lighting up into a sentient human creature at the first sound of the voice, so that it was at once curious and quite a moving sight to see him. " Yes, yes. Quite ready, Mr. Chuzzlewit. Quite ready, sir. All ready, all ready, all ready." With that he stopped, smil- ingly, and listened for some further address ; but being spoken to no more, the light forsook his face by little and little, until he was nothing again. " He'll be very disagreeable, mind," said Jonas, address- ing his cousins as he handed the old man's portion to his father. '' He always chokes himself when it an't broth. Look at him now ! Did you ever see a horse with such a wall-eyed expression as he's got ? If it hadn't been for the joke of it, I wouldn't have let him come in to-day ; but I thought he'd amuse you." The poor old subject of this humane speech, was, happily for himself, as unconscious of its purport, as of most other remarks that were made in his presence. But the mutton being tough, and his gums weak, he quickly verified the statement relative to his choking propensities, and underwent so much in his attempts to dine, that Mr, Jonas was infinitely amused ; protesting that he had seldom seen him i88 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. better company in all his life, and that he was enough to make a man split his sides with laughing. Indeed, he went so far as to assure the sisters that in this point of view he considered Chuffey superior to his own father ; which, as he significantly added, was saying a great deal. It was strange enough that Anthony Chuzzlewit, himself so old a man, should take a pleasure in these gibings of his estimable son, at the expense of the poor shadow at their table. But he did, unquestionably ; though not so much — to do him justice — with reference to their ancient clerk, as in exultation at the sharpness of Jonas. For the same reason, that young man's coarse allusions, even to himself, filled him with a stealthy glee ; causing him to rub his hands and chuckle covertly, as if he said in his sleeve, " / taught him. / trained him. This is the heir of my bringing-up. Sly, cunning, and covetous, he'll not squander my money. I worked for this ; I hoped for this ; it has been the great end and aim of my life." What a noble end and aim it was to contemplate in the attainment, truly ! But there be some who manufacture idols after the fashion of themselves, and fail to worship them when they are made ; charging their deformity on outraged nature. Anthony was better than these at any rate. Chuffey boggle(^ over his plate so long, that Mr. Jonas, losing patience, took it from him at last with his own hands, and requested his father to signify to that venerable person that he had better ^' peg away at his bread;" which Anthony did. *' Ay, ay ! " cried the old man, brightening up as before, when this was communicated to him in the same voice ; " quite right, quite right. He's your own son, Mr. Chuzzle- wit ! Bless him for a sharp lad ! Bless him, bless him ! " Mr. Jonas considered this so particularly childish (perhaps with some reason), that he only laughed the more, and told his cousins that he was afraid one of these fine days, Chuffey would be the death of him. The cloth was then removed, and the bottle of wine set upon the table, from which Mr. Jonas filled the young ladies' glasses, calling on them not to spare it, as they might be certain there was plenty more where that came from. But he added with some haste after this sally, that it was only his joke, and they wouldn't suppose him to be in earnest, he was sure. *' I shall drink," said Anthony, " to Pecksniff. Your father, my dears. A clever man, Pecksniff. A wary man ! MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 189 A hypocrite, though, eh ? A hypocrite, girls, eh ? Ha, ha, ha ! Well, so he is. Now, among friends, he is. I don't think the worse of him for that, unless it is that he overdoes it. You may overdo any thing, my darlings. You may overdo even hypocrisy. Ask Jonas ! " " You can't overdo taking care of yourself," observed that hopeful gentleman with his mouth full. " Do you hear that, my dears ! " cried Anthony, quite enraptured. " Wisdom, wisdom ! A good exception, Jonas. No. It's not easy to overdo that." % '^ Except," whispered Mr. Jonas to his favorite cousin, " except when one lives too long. Ha, ha ! Tell the other one that. I say ! " " Good gracious me ' " said Cherry, in a petulant manner. " You can tell her, yourself, if you wish, can't you ? " " She seems to make such game of one," replied Mr. Jonas. " Then why need you trouble yourself about her ! " said Charity. " I am sure she doesn't trouble herself much about you." " Don't she though ? " asked Jonas. " Good gracious me, need I tell you that she don't ? " returned the young lady. Mr. Jonas made no verbal rejoinder, but he glanced at Mercy with an odd expression in his face ; and said that wouldn't break his heart, she might depend upon it. Then he looked on Charity with even greater, favor than before, and besought her, as his polite manner was, " to come a little closer." ** There's another thing that's not easily overdone, father," remarked Jonas, after a short silence. *' What's that ? " asked the father ; grinning already in anticipation. '* A bargain," said the son. *' Here's the rule for bargains. * Do other men, for they would do you.' That's the true business precept. All others are counterfeits." The delighted father applauded this sentiment to the echo; and was so much tickled by it, that he was at the pains of imparting the same to his ancient clerk, who rubbed his hands, nodded his palsied head, winked his watery eyes, and cried in his whistling tones, " Good ! Good ! Your own son, Mr. Chuzzlewit I " with every feeble demonstration of delight that he was capable of making. But this old man's enthusiasm had the redeeming quality of being felt in sym- 190 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. pathy with the only creature to whom he was linked by ties of long association, and by his present helplessness. And if there had been any body there, who cared to think about it, some dregs of a better nature unawakened, might perhaps have been descried through that very medium, melancholy though it was, yet lingering at the bottom of the worn-out cask, called Chuffey. As matters stood, nobody thought or said any thing upon the subject; so Chuffey fell back into a dark corner on one sidpp ot the fire-place, where he always spent his evenings, and was neither seen nor heard again that night; save once, when a cup of tea was given him, in which he was seen to soak his bread mechanically. There was no reason to suppose that he went to sleep at these seasons, or that he heard, or saw, or felt, or thought. He remained, as it were, frozen up — if any term expressive of such a vigorous process can be applied to him — until he was again thawed for the moment by a word or touch from Anthony. Miss Charity made tea by desire of Mr. Jonas, and felt and looked so like the lady of the house, that she was in the prettiest confusion imaginable; the more so, from Mr. Jonas sitting close beside her, and whispering a variety of admiring expressions in her ear. Miss Mercy, for her part, felt the entertainment of the evening to. be so distinctly and exclu- sively theirs, that she silently deplored the commercial gen- tlemen— at that moment, no doubt, wearying for her return — and yawned over yesterday's newspaper. As to Anthony, he w^ent to sleep outright, so Jonas and Cherry had a clear stage to themselves as long as they chose to keep possession of it. When the tea-tray was taken away, as it was at last, Mr. Jonas produced a dirty pack of cards, and entertained the sisters with divers small feats of dexterity; whereof the main purpose of every one was that you were to decoy somebody into laying a wager with you that you couldn't do it; and were then immediately to win and pocket his money. Mr. Jonas informed them that these accomplishments were in high vogue in the most intellectual circles, and that large amounts were constantly changing hands on such hazards. And it may be remarked that he fully believed this; for there is a simplicity of cunning no less than a simplicity of inno- CQJice; and in all matters where a lively faith in knavery and meanness was required as the ground-work of belief, Mr. Jonas was one of the most credulous of men. His ignorance, MARTIN CHUZZLEVViT. _ 191 which was stupendous, may be taken into account, if the reader pleases, separately. This fine young man had all the inclination to be a profli- gate of the first water, and only lacked the one good trait in the common catalogue of debauched vices — open-handed- ness — to be a notable vagabond. But there his griping and penurious habits stepped in; and as one poison will some- times neutralize another, when wholesome remedies will not avail, so he was restrained by a bad passion from quaffing his full measure of evil, when virtue might have sought to hold him back in vain. By the time he had unfolded all the peddling schemes he knew upon the cards, it was growing late in the evening; and Mr. Pecksniff not making his appearance, the young ladies expressed a wish to return home. But this, Mr. Jonas, in his gallantry, would by no means allow, until they had partaken of some bread and cheese and porter; and even then he was excessively unwilling to allow them to depart; often beseeching Miss Charity to come a little closer, or to stop a little longer, and preferring many other complimen- tary petitions of that nature, in his own hospitable and earn- est way. When all his efforts to detain them were fruitless, he put on his hat and great coat preparatory to escorting them to Todgers's; remarking that he knew they would rather walk thither than ride; and that for his part he was quite of their opinion. *' Good-night," said Anthony. " Good-night; remember me to — ha, ha, ha ! — to Pecksniff. Take care of your cous- in, my dears; beware of Jonas; he's a dangerous fellow. Don't quarrel for him, in any case! " " Oh, the creature! " cried Mercy. " The idea of quarrel- ing for him ! You may take him, Cherry, my love, all to yourself. I make you a present of my share." ''What! I'm a sour grape, am I, cousin?" said Jonas. Miss Charity was more entertained by this repartee than one would have supposed likely, considering its advanced age and simple character. But in her sisterly affection she took Mr. Jonas to task for leaning so very hard upon a broken reed, and said that he must not be so cruel to poor Merry any more, or she (Charity) would positively be obliged to hate him. Mercy, who really had her share of good humor, only retorted with a laugh; and they walked home in consequence without any angry passage of words upon the way. Mr. Jonas being in the middle and having a cousin on each arm. 192 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. sometimes squeezed the wrong one; so tightly, too, as to cause her not a little inconvenience; but as he talked to Charity in whispers the whole time, and paid her great atten- tion, no doubt this was an accidental circumstance. When they arrived at Todgers's, and the door was opened, Mercy broke hastily from them and ran up-stairs; but Charity and Jonas lingered on the steps talking together for more than five minutes; so, as Mrs. Todgers observed next morning, to a third party, " It was pretty clear what was going on there^ and she was glad of it, for it really was high time Miss Pecksniff thought of settling." And now the day was coming on, when that bright vision which had burst on Todgers's so suddenly, and made a sun- shine in the shady breast of Jinkins, was to be seen no more; when it was to be packed, like a brown paper parcel, or a fish-basket, or an oyster-barrel, or a fat gentleman, or any other dull reality of life, in a stage-coach, and carried down into the country ! " Never, my dear Miss Pecksniffs," said Mrs. Todgers, when they retired to rest on the last night of their stay ; ** never have I seen an establishment so perfectly broken- hearted as mine is at this present moment of time. I don't believe the gentlemen will be the gentlemen they were, or any thing like it — no, not for weeks to come. You have a great deal to answer for ; both of you." They modestly disclaimed any willful agency in this disas- trous state of things, and regretted it very much. ** Your pious pa, too," said Mrs. Todgers. "There's a loss ! My dear Miss Pecksniffs, your pa is a perfect mis- sionary of peace and love." Entertaining an uncertainty as to the particular kind of love supposed to be comprised in Mr. Pecksniff's mis- sion, the young ladies received the compliment rather coldly. " If I dared," said Mrs. Todgers, perceiving this, " to vio- late a confidence which has been reposed in me, and to tell you why I must beg of you to leave the little door between your room and mine open to-night, I think you would be interested. But I mustn't do it, for I promised Mr. Jinkins faithfully, that I would be as silent as the tomb." ** Dear Mrs. Todgers ! What can you mean ? " "Why then, my sweet Miss Pecksniffs," said the lady of the house ; '* my own loves, if you will allow me the privi- lege of taking that freedom on the eve of our separation, Mr. MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 193 JInkins and the gentlemen have made up a little musical party among themselves, and do intend, in the dead of this night to perform a serenade upon the stairs outside the door. I could have wished, I own," said Mrs. Todgers, with her usual foresight, " that it had been fixed to take place an hour or two earlier ; because, when gentlemen sit up late, they drink, and when they drink, they're not so musical perhaps, as v/hen they don't. But this is the arrangement ; and I know you will be gratified, my dear Miss Pecksniffs, by such a mark of their attention." The young ladies were at first so much excited by the news, that they vowed they couldn't think of going to bed, until the serenade was over. But half an hour of' cool wait- ing so altered their opinion that they not only went to bed, but fell asleep ; and were moreover not ecstatically charmed to be awakened some time afterward by certain dulcet strains breaking in upon the silent watches of the night. It was very affecting, very. Nothing more dismal could have been desired by the most fastidious taste. The gentle- man of a vocal turn was head mute, or chief mourner ; Jin- kins took the bass ; and the rest took any thing they could get. The youngest gentleman blew his m.elancholy into a flute. He didn't blow much out of it, but that was all the better. If the two Miss Pecksniffs and Mrs. Todgers had perished by spontaneous combustion, and the serenade had been in honor of their ashes, it would have been impossible to surpass the unutterable despair expressed in that one chorus, " Go where glory waits thee ! " It was a requiem, a dirge, a moan, a howl, a wail, a lament, an abstract of every thing that is sorrowful and hideous in sound. The flute of the youngest gentleman was wild and fitful. It came and went in gusts, like the wind. For a long time together he seemed to have left off, and when it was quite settled by Mrs. Todgers and the young ladies, that, overcome by his feelings, he had retired in tears, he unexpectedly turned up again at the very top of the tune, gasping for breath. He was a tremendous performer. There was no knowing where to have him ; and exactly when you thought he was doing nothing at all, then was he doing the very thing that ought to astonish you most. There were several of these concerted pieces : perhaps two or three too many, though that, as Mrs. Todgers said, was a fault on the right side. But even then, even at that solemn moment, when the thrilling sounds maybe presumed 194 * MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. to have penetrated into the very depths of his nature, if he had any depths, Jinkins couldn't leave the youngest gentle- man alone. He asked him distinctly, before the second song began — as a personal favor too, mark the villain in that — not to play. Yes ; he said so ; not to play. The breath- ing of the youngest gentleman was heard through the key- hole of the door. He didnt play. What vent was a flute for the passions swelling up within his breast ? A trombone would have been a world too mild. The serenade approached its close. Its crowning interest was at hand. The gentleman of a literary turn had written a song on the departure of the ladies, and adapted it to an old tune. »They all joined, except the youngest gentleman in company, who, for the reasons aforesaid, maintained a fearful silence. "I'he song (which was of a classical nature) invoked the oracle of Apollo, and demanded to know what would become of Todgers's when Charity and Mercy were banished from its walls. The oracle delivered no opinion particularly worth remembering, according to the not infre- quent practice of oracles from the earliest ages down to the present time- In the absence of enlightenment on that sub- ject, the strain deserted it, and went on to show that the MisG Pecksniffs were nearly related to Rule Britannia, and that if Great Britain hadn't been an island there could have been no Miss Pecksniffs. And being now on a nautical tack, it closed with this verse: "All hail to the vessel of Pecksniff the sire! And favoring breezes to fan; While Tritons flock round it, and proudly admire The architect, artist, and man! " As they presented this beautiful picture to the imagina- tion, the gentlemen gradually withdrew to bed to give the music the effect of distance; and so it died away, and Tod- gers's was left to its repose. Mr. Bailey reserved his vocal offering until the morning, when he put his head into the room as the young ladies were kneeling before their truaks, packing up, and treated them to an imitation of the voice of a young dog in trying circumstances; when that animal is supposed by persons of a lively fancy to relieve his feelings by calling for pen and ink. *' Well, young ladies," said the youth, " so you're a-going home, are you, worse luck ? " "Yes, Bailey, we're goii g home," returned Mercy. MARTIN CHUZZLEWJT. 195 ** An't you a-going to leave none of 'em a lock of your hair ? " inquired the youth. It's real, an't it ? " They laughed at this, and told him of course it was. " Oh, is it of course, though ? " said Bailey. ** I know better than that. Hers an't. Why, I see it hanging up, once, on that nail by the winder. Besides, I have gone behind her at dinner-time and pulled it; and she never know'd. I say, young ladies, I'm a-going to leave. I ain't a-going to stand being called names by her no longer." Miss Mercy inquired v/hat his plans for the future might be; in reply to whom Mr. Bailey intimated that he thought of going either into top-boots or into the army. " Into the army! " cried the young ladies, with a laugh. *'Ah!" said Bailey, " why not? There's a many drum- mers in the Tower. I'm acquainted with 'em. Don't their country set a valley on 'em, mind you! Not at all! " " You'll be shot, I see," observed Mercy. " Well! " cried Mr. Bailey, *' wot if I am ? There's some- thing gamey in it, young ladies, an't there ? I'd sooner be hit with a cannon-ball than a rolling-pin, and she's always a-catching up something of that sort and throwing it at me, wen the gentlemen's appetites is good. Wot," said Mr. Bai- ley, stung by the recollection of his wrongs, "wot if they do consume the per-vishuns. It an't my fault, is it ? " ''Surely no one says it is," said Mercy. " Don't they, though ? " retorted the youth. " No. Yes. Ah! Oh! No one mayn't say it is! but some one knows it is. But I an't going to have ever}^ rise in prices wisited on me. I an't a-going to be killed, because the markets is dear. I won't stop. And therefore," added Mr. Bailey, relenting into a smile, " wotever you mean to give me, you'd better give me all at once, becos if ever you come back agin I shan't be here; and as to the other boy, he won't deserve nothing, / know." The young ladies, on behalf of Mr. Pecksniff and them- selves, acted on this thoughtful advice; and in considera- tion of their private friendship, presented Mr. Bailey with a gratuity so liberal that he could hardly do enough to show his gratitude; which found but an imperfect vent, during the remainder of the day, in divers secret slaps upon his pocket, and other such facetious pantomime. Nor was it confined to these ebullitions; for, besides crushing a band- box with a bonnet in it, he seriously damaged Mr. Peck- sniff's luggage, by ardently hauling it down from the top of 196 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. fhe house; and, in short, evinced, by every means in his power, a lively sense of the favors he had received from that gentleman and his family. Mr. Pecksniff and Mr. Jinkins came home to dinner, arm-in-arm; for the latter gentleman had m^de half-holi- day, on purpose; thus gaining an immense advantage over the youngest gentleman and the rest, whose tiine, as it per- versely chanced, was all bespoke, until the evening. The bottle of wine was Mr. Pecksniff's treat, and they v/ere very sociable indeed ; though full of lamentations on the neces- sity of parting. While they were in the midst of their enjoy- ment, old Anthony and his son were announced ; much to the surprise of Mr. Pecksniff, and greatly to the discomfiture of Jinkins. ''Come to say good-by, you see," said x\n